Catwoman

Oh, where to start...imagine all the intellectual depth of Showgirls, plus all the excessive and ridiculous special effects of Charlie's Angels, and then throw in some dialog crafted by whomever wrote for Governor Schwarzenegger's Mr. Freeze in the fourth Batman movie, and only then are you even close to a movie as awful as this.

I suppose one should not expect much from a director who actually refers to himself as Pitof. But let's come back to that. Let's move on to Halle Berry. Note to Halle Berry: Letting Billy Bob Thornton ream you endlessly on camera is certainly degrading, but it was also a good career move--and you won an Oscar; feverishly eating catnip and licking people's faces on camera, however, is not a good career move--and you'll probably win a Razzie this time. They make you return Oscars for movies like this. Oh yeah, as for the supernatural explanation for Patience Phillips/Catwoman's superhero status--she gets CPR from an immortal Egyptian cat--I am not kidding.

And then there is Benjamin Bratt, who happens to be a pretty solid actor, but could have very likely damaged a good career. If his participation in this movie isn't enough to stigmatize him, then I'm sure he had to pass up a lot of good roles because of all the time he spent having his foot surgically removed from his former agent's rectum. There is a scene in this movie--probably the worst, and that's no small achievement--that is reminiscent of that ridiculous scene in Daredevil where Jennifer Garner/Elektra and Ben Affleck/blind superhero have a Kung Fu fight at a playground in broad daylight; in this movie it's Halle Berry and Ben Bratt playing one-on-one hoops and her doing Catwoman flips and yet no one appears to be too amazed by this, much less pants-soiling surprised, and on top of that it has a sort of VH1/Color Me Bad/early New Edition video feel to it. And I'm really not sure what city this is all supposed to take place in--Gotham, Metropolis, the land beneath the whole in the cutting room floor--but apparently this place only has one detective, the unfortunate Bratt. No matter what the crime is--burglary, murder, domestic disturbance, interrupted ballet performance--he's always there.

As for the rest of the cast, that annoying woman from Mad TV--I know that's not specific enough; I mean the most annoying one who plays what I guess is supposed to be some bizarre Asian lady--well, she plays Catwoman's annoying and sort of slutty co-worker comic relief since Rosie O'Donnell was apparently unavailable.

And then we come to Sharon Stone. Now I know her career is going down the crapper with all deliberate speed, but it's still hard to understand this one. The only thing I can guess is that the opportunity to break into silly, pseudo-feminist diatribes made this a role she couldn't turn down. Of course Sharon has often lamented the lack of good roles for older women in Hollywood, and she's absolutely right about that, but this is not the best way to lodge a complaint, and plus that's always been a little peculiar coming from an actress whose greatest cinematic achievement is the conspicuous exposure of her labia.

Briefly back to this Pitof character--I thought that pretentious one-named idiot who did the Charlie's Angels movies--McG, I believe--was bad enough, but this guy is even more shameless and obviously lacking in talent. What's with these guys who've never made a movie and are already going by only one name? Don't you have to work up to that? I mean if is Scorsese wants to go by Marty, fine; if Tarantino wants to be just Quentin, or even just Q, whatever, but where does a hack like this get off using one name? This movie deserves every Razzie it receives, and while some reviewers may say it's not really that bad, remember, it took a lot of money to make this godawful thing, and if people don't speak out about how dreadful it really is, they just might make Catwoman 2. Can you live with that?

Oh my, where do I begin? Well I could tell you that this is a well made action movie, but obviously I would be lying my head off. So instead, I want to tell you the truth. Are you ready? Here it comes… "DON'T SEE THIS MOVIE" Let me tell you why. If you see this movie and are over the age of 16, you will end up hating yourself for letting yourself rot for 104 minutes without getting anything back, except an increased feeling of wanting to get revenge on Hollywood. They say that it is very hard to get your script into a movie. Well, after seeing this movie, I think a one legged monkey could write a better script, without either pen or paper. The fact that Halle Berry even uses a male stunt double, makes me loose all respect for both her and this movie. Besides the stunt double thing, the movie still sucks. The dialog sucks, the acting is not even present and the action looks sloppy and poorly thought through. This movie actually made me like The Core better, which is pretty much impossible. I rate this movie 1/10

I'm tempted to write a long piece explaining why this film was so bad, but I can all too easily summarise by saying "Everything".

It was poorly acted, predictable, unenthralling, clichéd nonsense. And that was just the first half hour, at which point, for the sake of my brain and stopping it melting with the sheer tedium, I walked out of the cinema.

If you're genuinely sad enough to believe that paying good money to see Halle Berry in a PVC suit is good enough reason to spend time gawking at this trash, then fine. Who am I to try to persuade you to try and do something more valuable with your time, like base-jumping without a parachute?

Utterly abysmal

I enjoyed this movie. It made me laugh at the end of a tough day. "Camp" is defined as "an affectation or appreciation of manners and tastes commonly thought to be outlandish, vulgar, or banal." It is also defined as "banality or artificiality when appreciated for its humor." I agree that movies such as "Spiderman" have taken the comic book genre into the realm of serious drama, and I enjoy that as a long-time fan of that comic series. And it would have been interesting to have seen "Catwoman" taken in that direction; however, it was not, and we should appreciate and enjoy the movie for what the writers and director chose to do with it. It is as much about Halle Berry as it is the comic book character herself. When Halle makes her appearance in that leather suit, walking along seductively, that will go down in film history right alongside Raquel Welch in her cave woman outfit that we have seen so many times on posters. When Halle throws that little overdone strut into her walk, that brings a smile to my face and actually makes me laugh out loud at times. True, Sharon Stone is over the hill as an aesthetic pleasure, and the plot is as silly as any we have seen. But that is the whole point! Laugh at and with this film, enjoy it as a piece of work not meant to be serious drama. This film rates a B in my book, whereas "Sky Captain" is barely a C.

remember this flick; recall every poorly crafted detail; recite every stale line repeatedly. Why? Because one day, my friend, this train-wreck will be playing at your local buck and a quarter cinema @ midnight 30 with a line of freaks rolling along the walls. Each will be holding a ball of catnip in one hand and a jar of face cream in the other; and you'll be the #1 popularoso if you can recite along with this mutt. All I can say is WOW. That is the worst villain of all time: Marbleface.. my face has become marble from too much toxic face cream? No, this wasn't directed by a Frenchman. I mean it..This movies is A+ cheese. CGI catwoman to real Berry is stunning. Goes from sleek to klutzy instantly. If you like this movie like i do, your rolling on the floor. Every second is purely genius. If you liked it for real, your bus just pulled up, get away from the comp.

Highlights: 1) This is not Catwoman. Catwoman is Selina Kyle; this is patience something or other. This movie was too embarrassing to be connected with such an awesome character 2) My fav part of the lame costume: the shoes with the toes sticking out. 3) Oooooh the most sinister thing we can think of: the fiend knows the face cream is ruining the beautiful girls faces, but wants to profit anyhow. This kind of villainy puts Lex Luthor to shame! 4) Catwoman's freak out with the catnip! This is when the Rocky Horror crowd crowd will toss the catnip balls at the screen 5) You cannot argue with the music too loud scene. period. A keg's nozzle will NOT squirt that far Patience. How did you achieve such a feat. You really are a super hero.