Stürmische Liebe - Swept away

and forget this. Completely. If you really need to see Madonna act, rent "Body of Evidence", at least Willem Defoe is in that one.

In this film, while the sets are beautiful, you may want to mute the dialog. You won't miss anything. Bruce Greenwood is wasted, Jeanne Tripplehorn is a prop, and Madonna is so awful, it becomes amusing. Why they had to butcher the original film into this mess, I will never know; guess they thought it was "bankable". Madonna, as an actress, certainly is NOT.

If you rent the original film from 1979, though, you will enjoy it, and the actors in it can actually act. 1/10.

This is perhaps the worst movie I've ever seen, and I've seen Gigli. It is, however, unintentionally hilarious and as such is worth viewing with friends and some drinks while making jokes all the while- ala Mystery Science Theater.

At our party we made a game of it by taking a drink when certain things happened. Shot of Madonna's biceps? Everybody drink!

If you decide to do this and you want to get really hammered, try taking a drink every time Madonna says something in her fake British accent. You'll be drunk in no time and then - BONUS! - the movie won't seem as horrific as it really is.

I almost saw this at an actual movie theatre (an art-house theatre, no less!) but couldn't make it there in the one whole week it played, but yesterday I finally saw it on cable and...well...I wasn't disappointed, that's for sure! Madonna has done it again: YET ANOTHER BOMB! When will this woman learn? When will the studios learn? (Or perhaps they already have, since this film was largely dumped, with little fanfare and deadly word-of-mouth.) One would hope that being directed by her talented husband, who's created some interesting and/or terribly entertaining work, would bring out the same quality Madonna showed in "Desperately Seeking Susan"; alas, it just isn't meant to be, for here she is, at her very worst: singularly convinced of her own greatness, the smugness permeating every frame she's in, made all the more unbearable by her wavering faux-British accent, an accent that only underscores the fact that her speaking voice is immature in quality and not especially pleasant. This may sound unnecessarily cruel but LISTEN to the woman, and LOOK at her films of, say, the past decade: like a latter-day Bette Davis, there is an unmistakable brittleness to not only her carriage but to her very face and body, which here, despite the warm photography displayed throughout the film (perhaps its only saving grace), are done no favors. To her credit, the entire affair is so misbegotten that one wonders if the world's greatest actress on her best day could do anything with this mess. No one involved escapes unharmed: Bruce Greenwood actually seems pained to be on-screen, though poor Jeanne Tripplehorn seems to carry herself as if she's actually in something good, which had me thinking all the while, "Denial ain't just a river in Egypt!" Adriano Giannini, son of Giancarlo Giannini, star of the Italian original, "Swept Away...", is, like his father before him, immensely attractive, and isn't altogether bad (despite winning a Razzie nomination for "Worst Actor"), but, like almost everything else about this production, it all comes back to Madonna, on whose shoulders rest the blame. Why her? Why not her husband, director Guy Ritchie? Just who do YOU think was behind this remake? What actress wouldn't want nearly every shot of a movie to be centered on her, with only a relative nobody sharing the screen? Oh sure, Ritchie deserves some blame: surely he - or someone - ANYONE! - should have, and could have, taken his lead aside and insisted on something bordering on ACTUAL FEELING in her line readings (for her performance is so wooden it's a surprise the rest of the cast didn't get splinters), or at least display a semblance of warmth...but she seems resistant to be anything but a cinematic black hole. Above and beyond anything else, this is strictly a vanity project for its star so she is ultimately accountable for it. A film like this, an "Odd Couple"-ish, war of the classes, should be light and fun, with leads who can bounce off one another with witty, even romantic, dialogue, for what else can a film whose plot involves two disparate people stranded, really be? Honestly, I don't think anyone involved knew exactly the tone they were trying for; it succeeds neither as comedy (I defy you to laugh even once) or romance (Madonna's ice-princess routine precludes ANY chemistry). It's not even bad enough for us bad-movie lovers to enjoy. A real shame...

Madonna, you cannot act. I'm sorry, but some people have the chops, and some people don't. If you don't have the chops, there are ways to overcome those limitations, but not nearly enough if you want to play the lead, and the lead in a romantic comedy no less (and I use that term loosely here, there is nothing romantic or funny about this movie, and I had just eaten a magic brownie 2 hours earlier). Please get it out of your head whatever aspirations you have of being a movie star, and stick to doing what it is you do best, which seems to be reinventing yourself every odd year or so.

I watched Swept Away having little else to do, and part of me wished I had read a magazine or an opera DVD instead. Swept Away has few, if any at all, redeeming qualities at all, and there were times where I wished I could turn off the television but reminded myself that is not a fair way to judge a movie.

Guy Ritchie's direction for starters is very unimaginative, and the camera work and editing don't have any real charm to them, the camera work is not amateurish as such but shows nothing out of the ordinary, and the editing could've been smoother at times.

The script is very hackneyed, the comedic elements are forced and the romantic elements sappy. Also it has the feel of a bad 70s TV drama. The concept has been done to death but that wasn't necessarily a turn off, but the pace is turgid and the story itself doesn't have any interest at all.

Likewise with the characters. They don't feel like characters or real people at all, just overdone caricatures. Jeanne Tripplehorn gets the worst of it, and her overdone performance suffers from it. Madonna only so far has impressed me in Evita, but her performance here is lifeless and disengaged here.

Only two things have any real spark. One is the striking scenery and the other is the earthy charm of Adrianno Giannini. However these two are not enough to salvage the movie from being an insipid bore. All in all, not recommended. 1/10 Bethany Cox