Boa

I watched this movie a few nights ago for the first time. I was astounded at the low production values, the poorly written script, the extremely inept CGI, and the incredibly bad acting of the ensemble.

The plot is something like this: A New Alcatraz is built at the North Pole or the South Pole, in any case, where someone cannot easily escape. Retirement plans for the prison staff must be hell and what happens if you get fired? Anyway, back to the supposed storyline -- this new state of the art prison is supposed to house the worst of the worst (criminals and politicians, maybe an insurance agent or two, certainly the former execs from Enron). The construction crew hit a snag, i.e. some nitrogen filled chamber wherein lies a 100 ft snake that has managed to survive for 10 billion years without eating. I figure it must have swallowed a T-Rex and had been digesting it for a bit before it decided to come out and have a little nighttime snack. OSHA must have had a fit when they learned about the construction crew going against safety guidelines.

Obviously the writers know absolutely NOTHING about snakes because this one zips here there and everywhere faster than my dog eats McDonald french fries. Large snakes are quite slow, watch Animal Planet and you'll know what I mean. And how come this snake had FANGS IN THE FRONT OF HIS MOUTH? And why does he growl? And how can he rip people in two, toss the individual parts into the air and then catch it? I thought boas constricted their dinner and then swallowed it. At least that's what Animal Planet is leading me to believe.

Anyway, Dean Cain and his wife have quit their posts as teachers at a university and are digging around at an archealogical site in the middle of a desert. Maybe they were looking for more frozen snakes in the desert? They are having a huge fight about having children in their future - Dean wants them, the wife doesn't. In the midst of this loving relationship, the military comes out and hints around at something BIG (it's always BIG) and off they go, no questions asked. They end up at this prison wherein they find out about the SNAKE. And of course only two people have the secret code to get in or out of the prison. The Major who leads the military operation and the Warden. Guess who dies?

For some reason, the prisoners do not seem unduly concerned with being eaten by this HUGE snake. This is a snake that eats guards at an alarming rate. They must be extra tasty. The prisoners are pretty happy considering their predicament. And of course NO ONE listens to reason so everyone gets eaten.

Then Dean's wife gets taken by the snake and I was really hoping she'd be eaten but unfortunately she wasn't. He didn't appear upset, probably because she refused to have his baby, and was thinking of the new wife he'd get as soon as he left this place. Come to think of it, all of the actors appeared to be thinking of the new wife Dean Cain was going to get since his current wife was taken by the snake.

And why didn't the snake eat her? Too bitchy? Maybe it's because she wasn't wearing a uniform. I think the snake has something for people in uniforms.

Could someone explain to me why in every single Sci Fi channel movie only two people ever survive? Can't we have more than two -- like THREE or more?

Someone smarter than the lead characters and more likable? It'd be a change.

All in all, it's an interestingly bad movie to watch. Not as horrible as Raptor Island, this one just had lots of holes. Like when the snake ate the co-pilot in the plane as it was airborne and no one got sucked out of the open end of the plane except the only sympathetic character. And that woman still survived. Do you think she and Dean Cain's character had any babies? Do you think that maybe the snake impregnated her while she was gone and she's going to give birth to a whole new breed of giant guard-eating snakes?

And does this mean we won't get to send any more Enron execs to the New Alcatraz?

Anybody who sees this film expecting the second coming of Citizen Kane is fooling themselves. Folks, it's just a movie meant to entertain us. And in that sense, I think it did a fine job. Sure there were holes in the plot and some mediocre CG effects, but overall it didn't do too badly in my book. My main gripes were in the opening scene. So if I'm flying a giant cargo plane and it starts making funny noises, I'm certainly not going to open up the crates. And that CG snake is pretty badly done. Why a snake? A monkey would have been more convincing, and most importantly, monkeys make us laugh! I was impressed with the set design though. Very effective use of set design to give us the sense of claustrophobia. The main control room was quite a contrast to the rest of the cold blocky hallways. Overall, not a bad job, especially from the typical giant snake movie. Faced between Anaconda or Boa at the video stores, I'd take Boa in a heartbeat.

HA HA HA...this movie is sooo funny...in a bad way.

Many unanswered questions.

Why were there only roughly 15 guards at a prison in a frozen wasteland?

Why did they all speak to each other by last name only?

Why weren't they cold when walking through a gigantic block of ice?

Why was there only one person with access to the gates of the prison?

Why were there no caretakers or cooks or anybody else that works in a prison facility around?

Why after "2 weeks" were the inmates still healthy and energetic looking? Had they been knowledgeable of the snake, there would have been massive panic.

Why were the inmates still alive if the rest of the staff at the penetentiary killed? If the snake was able to crush through several thousand feet of ice, why not through plexiglass to eat the prisoners?

Why was Dean Cain and his "wife" talking of creatures that lived below the ice right at the time of the giant snake escaping from the hollowed out rock? Did they have subconcious knowledge of it or were they actually demons who had given birth to it and therefor had first hand knowledge of snakes living in permafrost environments?

If the snake will go where it's warm, why didn't the snake tunnel it's way north to a warmer climate?

If this is a BOA Constrictor, why did it first strike it's victims with it's fangs, instead of crushing them and breaking bones and swallowing them whole? Boas will CRUSH their meal till it is lifeless and then devour it, and not seek out till it has totally consumed the meal.

Why did the snake not stay where the warth of the fire was instead of darting off across the cold building after new victims. They were heading to the warmest part of the structure...the snake was there, but it chased them. Had the snake stayed where it was warm, it would have only been in the drilling and heating chamber.

Why after flying across the ocean and jumping into sub-freezing temperatures did the army and the two professors still have warm hands and faces while walking through very cold blowing wind?

Why did the snow look like cotton and NOT stick to the clothes or to any metal objects? Or heap up in the corners of the wall where the wind was blowing it too?

Why did this entire movie look like some lame attempt at putting back pieces of previous ALIEN, STAR WARS and STAR TREK sets together to create a backdrop.

Why was the snake able to live and GROW in a hollow rock that has been sealed for thousands of years with no food?

Why did the snake make noise? Snakes have no vocal cords and therefor make no vocal reverberations.

Why was Dean Caine's character not emotional after he thought his wife to be dead?

Why was his wife very emotional when she spoke of a child which was not even relevent to the story?

How did the criminals eat during their entire stay at the fortress and why were they still wearing the same clothes without looking like they had slept in them for two weeks? What was the reason for the criminals in the first place...they served no purpose except for a quick meal.

Why did the criminals have to argue with each other when the only thing they had to do was either kill the snake or run?

Why was the Warden so high up on himself and demanding when he could have just hopped the plane and escaped?

Why didn't the survivors use all the firepower in the storage room that was accessable to them, instead of leaving plenty of weapons behind?

Why didn't the survivors think of using the explosives from the mining crew had left them?

Why? Why? Why? Why are there sooooo many holes to this story? Why was it made? Why were the characters so poorly developed?

Why was the script so poor quality? And why wsan't it actually filmed in somehwere that was cold (a big freezer warehouse? Northern Canada in Winter? Why were there so many useless characters that served absolutley no point in the film?

This movie is non-stop B quality action. One of the least likely plots in the world, some of the most unrealistic special effects ever and a script that probably doesn't exist, I think the director realized the caliber of acting talent he had at his disposal and let them adlib the lot. Best bits are when the security guard acts like he has had no gun training as he fires his shotgun aimlessly (good pun). Also when dean cains missus runs off and he shouts her name about 7 times in a row. JESSICA, JESSICA JESSICA. I do love this film, but only cos its really bad. Dean Cain to play bond!!!!! Oh and the ending is ridiculous!!!!! Cold blooded snake that isn't bothered it's in antarctic conditions!!!!! Likely.

I got the feeling while watching this film that promising idea had been ruined during filmmaking or scripting. The story line itself is promising, as a maximum security prison has been build in the Antarctic, and while drilling they release a giant snake from some deep undercover cave. The material was under utilized, with no real character building, terrible terrible dialog and no action or excitement – AT ALL. What generally would be our hero's, the experts on prehistoric dinosaurs/animals, have nothing to do, and the reason for their involvement is a bigger mystery than the snake. The plot holes are endless, pausing in dialog (which I've noticed is a trade for all B-movies I hate), and strangle and irritatingly cut movie. Skip it, for God sake, just skip it… clean your house instead, it would be more fun. 2/10