TITanic 2000: Vampire of the Titanic

A few years ago I came across this extremely soft-porn film on eBay, while looking for theme gifts for the musical director (a very religious woman) of our community-theatre version of Broadway's "Titanic: The Musical." Naturally, I had to watch at least part of the video (originally titled "TITanic 2000") before giving it to her (lots of fraud on eBay these days). I still find it difficult to believe that this "film" (giving it the benefit of the doubt) was ever made. Suffice it to say that every piece of hard porn, soft porn, mindless violence, mass-produced kiddie animation, carpet sweepings, 10-week-old popcorn, doggie poop and anything else in your local video store is vastly superior to this (with the exception of James Cameron's "Titanic").

But do I consider my purchase a waste? Not at all!! Since that first year, the presentation of "Titanic 2000" to the most -- ahem -- DESERVING member of the orchestra has become a valued tradition. Every honoured recipient so far has vigorously denied even opening the case, but there sure were a lot of fingerprints on the disc when it was returned to me yesterday, ready for this year's ceremony.

Jealous of all the fun we have, down in the dark of the orchestra pit? We still need a harpist and a bassoonist. Drop me a note!

If you go into this knowing it's going to have bad acting and plot, you won't be disappointed. If you go into this expecting a porno, you WILL be disappointed. My girl and I had great fun watching this. It was actually pretty entertaining. For it's budget and expectations, we give this a 7 out of 10. Ignore 1 star reviews, this was very watchable.

Between Walter Lord's 1958 film "A Night to Remember" and this one, there was James Cameron's disaster film with Leonardo DiCaprio. This film has Leoardo, but it was Sir Leonardo of DiCapro.

Renamed "Scary Sexy Disaster Movie," there was certainly nothing scary and the disaster was the movie itself. It looked as if they put out a casting call on My Space, and the sets looked similar to those homemade Halloween costumes.

At least they did not have to waste money on life vests, as the stars (Tammy Parks and Tina Krause) were equipped with natural flotation devices. Tammy Parks, as the Vampire of the TITanic, gave us two delightful performances during the film. That was it. The rest of the film was a total waste.

At least I didn't have to listen to "My Heart Will Go On."

I bought this movie as a joke gift for a "sexually liberated" friend of mine. Unable to withstand the pull a horrible movie, I sneaked out the DVD and attempted to watch it. About 5 minutes into it, I almost lost consciousness and/or tried to take my own life. This was a bad movie with real power. After amassing some friends of mine who had actually seen titanic, we sat down to watch this horrible, horrible piece of work. I actually timed how long it took my friends to leave the room from what I like to call "Movie Sickness." A friend of mine who actually adores Titanic, stayed a total of 34 minutes before needed a breather. Watch this if you love stupid movies! Here is a quick run down. After killing everyone she bites, a "beautiful and voluptuous lesbian vampire named Vladamina" decides that a trip to Europe to continue her search for a queen is a good idea. With her trusty henchmen, pulled right out of Frankenstien and The Adams Family (Igor and Lurch), she boards this "ship of fools." Soon after it is told that because of the golden steering wheel that the captain demanded having, half of the ships hull was made of aluminum. But not just any aluminum. Aluminum foil.

The CGI is laughable, the acting is right on bad, and the plot will make you puke. Watch it with friends! This is not a warning! Lastly, if you want to see REALLY bad. Flip the DVD over and watch Suzie's Bad Day. One of my friends who literally LOVES bad movies had to leave because he felt sick. Made with a camcorder, it shows the adventures a girl has when she just can't go through a day without being strangled. It's horrid. You will need therapy. I HIGHLY suggest you add this to you DVD collection!