Night of Horror

It took a very strong Long Island Iced Tea and a couple of other cocktails, but I managed to sit through this one from beginning to end. Mostly I stared at the ceiling, listened to the radio, or contemplated the massive pile of laundry that needed to be washed, because looking at the screen while trying to make sense out of the inaudible dialogue and threadbare plot was something I could do only sporadically. I always try to find some words of meager praise for even the worst movies, but staring into the empty void that is "Night of Horror" renders me too anaesthetised to pay compliments. I would not say that this film is actually painful to watch; rather, it is a black hole, a concatenation of nothingnesses, the bewildering cinematic equivalent of formless scribbles on a plain canvas. It induces no reaction in the viewer other than confusion and perplexity... and perhaps wonderment at Mr. Malanowski's ability to find a distributor. A person could make a more incomprehensible excuse for a film, but it would require an active hostility to the audience on his part. In Mr. Malanowski's case, I think this is just a particularly remarkable example of extreme laziness.

Well it was a cold, bitter cold, night and I was on my way to the local video store. This old Mom n' Pop place that I had only been to a few times, the owners were very nice and had an extremely nice collection of horror films. All kinds of em' lined the shelves, zombies, vampires, werewolves, mummies, you name it and it was probably there. Growing up I had long loved a film called "Curse of the Screaming Dead" and still think it's a pretty decent flick (okay it's crap but it's crap I like). So when I found out there was another movie called "Night of Horror" which was supposedly the original film that "Curse of the Screaming Dead" was based on I was a little giddy. At the time I had just found a copy of the original "Curse of the Screaming Dead" on it's original label Mogul so finding "Night of Horror" was a must for me. God I wished I had slapped myself...

So there I am in the video store searching the shelves for something to catch my eye and there it is, "Night of Horror". The movie I thought I'd probably never find was sitting right in front of me. I was a little surprised but I expected them to have a movie like this because they had been open since the dawn of video and the owner bought every movie he could get his hands on. So I bring "Night of Horror" up to the counter and I look up at the woman who has her usual smile and I asked if I could possibly buy the movie. I figured I should like it somewhat if I liked "Curse of the Screaming Dead". She looked at the box and then at her husband and he just looked at me. He looked up the film and nodded yes, come to find out the last time the tape had been rented Reagan was president so it was okay. I got the video for $2 (that should have been a huge sign if you're paying less than what it costs to rent) and I thought I made out like a bandit. Boy was I wrong.

I bring the movie home and do the usual, popcorn, soda, and other assorted snacks. I sat down and pushed play on my remote and once the film started I wanted nothing more than to go both deaf and blind. First off if you're going to make a movie, learn how to light the damn thing, when there was a light it looked like someone had gotten a giant spotlight and set it down in front of the camera. And the night shots...don't even get me started. Then there's the acting...wait that was there? I don't remember acting, oh those people who were walking around and babbling incoherently those were actors? Were they trying to act bad because they pulled it off brilliantly. As for the effects, what effects!? There was a freaking' fake skull and a fog machine with a raspy, and I mean raspy, voice attached to it. That's an effect!? Bah! After it was over and I slipped out of the coma I attempted to return the movie to the store simply saying it didn't work. I told them they could keep the money but the tape was broken. They wouldn't take it...they looked at me straight in the face and said no. The nice old couple soon became the devil and his bride incarnate. I wanted to scream, they knew what they were doing the whole time. They sold me the movie because they knew it was terrible. Argh! I threw the movie back into my room and it hasn't moved from the spot it's been in for over 2 years.

Until now, I reviewed it before writing this review and I have to say I hate IMDb.com, and I hate you all for making me re-watch this movie again for the purpose of this review. Oh what a tangled web you all weave...please for the love of all that's holy; avoid this movie like it were the plague, like it was a possessed horned up monkey with crabs that could very well be cooked and feed a family of 4.

STAY AWAY!

You just might think you have seen the worst film ever. "Manos" the Hands of fate, Plan 9 form Outer Space, Monster-A-Go-Go, or even House of the Dead....Trust me when I tell you that you do not know real pain until you have seen the thankfully almost unknown Night of Horror.

If would be different if something happened at all in the film...it does not. Just try to think of Curse of the Screaming Dead/Curse of the Cannibal Confederates WITHOUT ANY ZOMBIES. Yes, I am serious. That is just what this film is.

Honestly...this is the worst movie of all time, and I don't mean that in a good way at all. Let's put it this way I LIKE "Manos" the hands of fate, and even I can hardly take "Night of Horror". I have now seen it twice and will never ever watch it again for any reason.

I can tell you of only one slightly entertaining thing about this flick....a lens smudge It is by far the highpoint in the film and when it went away I was sad to see it go. At least while it was on screen it took my attention away from the movie.

Night of Horror is a thing of wonder, a film so self contained, so tightly bound it functions as black hole cinema, the viewer drawn in, shrunk to lightless atoms able only to contemplate their own operation as observer. Which makes it remarkable amongst horror cinema of the early 80's a film that not only encourages but actually aids the viewer in the pursuit of self knowledge. Director Tony Malanowski has here truly crafted a scintillating, awe inspiring... Christ, I can't go on like this, I'm trying, I'm trying real hard but I just gotta level. Night of Horror sucks ass. I have huge respect for anyone who can put a film together and get distribution, it's not an easy thing for anyone, but despite this I have to recommend with some ferocity against watching this one. Among genre films, it must surely be one of the absolute worst and I say this not lightly. I also specify genre films, as I would still rather re-watch Night of Horror than re-watch Forrest Gump, though to be honest I would sooner eat a literal bag of dicks (Armin Meiwes apparently has a recipe book coming out) than re-watch that POS. But as far as genre films go, there really isn't much worse. Monster a Go Go has Henry Hite and some amusing dialogue, Blood Lake has the righteous Li'l Tony (most punchable kid in all of the 980's?), heck even Savage Water has cool scenery. Night of Horror has, lets see, fog, the worst ever excuse for a bar, a driving scene that'll have you longing for the genius of Hal Warren, unnatractive, lifeless actors and tiresome characters, demented continuity, a heroic lens smudge a gratuitously lengthy Civil War re-enactment scene, talkative ghosts and a plastic skull. It doesn't even have the good grace to be innovatively bad, its characters are routinely tiresome, its repetitive score isn't maddening enough to be memorable and its plot is void of suspense or even any real conflict. Flashback to a tedious tale of supernatural redemption recounted in the worst imaginable excuse for a bar set, zero gore, tits or excitement, it's a film of nothing, a 70 odd minute celluloid zero. Watching it will show you things about yourself, but only bad ones like the futility of your existence and endeavour, and these not even in a good way. Basically its 1/10 stuff all the way, don't watch it.

Evil has many dimensions. It can make you angry, it can make you quiver with fear, it can make you doubt the existence of a kind and loving Supreme Being. For years I've sought Ultimate Evil, ever since I discovered that Plan 9 not only isn't the worst film ever made, it probably shouldn't make the Bottom 20.

And, while I'm always ready & eager to audition new candidates, "Night of Horror" may be -- IT. This film turns ALL the dials on the Evil Meter to 11. It will make you angry AND afraid AND plunge you into blackest despair.

Picture this. You take three or four of your lumpiest mullet-headed male buddies and dress them in Confederate uniforms. Put a bucket of dry ice in front of a Ford Gran Torino and turn on the headlights. Have your buddies stand in front of the lights and shift from one foot to the other. That's the sum of your horrifying FX.

Picture this. You see some goat-roper in line at Wal-Mart with 1978 REO Speedwagon hair and so skinny, his jeans fit exactly the same with the fly in the front or the back. That's your male lead. Oh - identify him as a "California rock singer" so everybody will know that he's supposed to be terminally hip.

Picture this. You want to establish your female lead as being hopelessly sensitive. So you have her read an Edgar Allen Poe poem to the male lead in the back of an RV. It works too well - his voice-over tells us he's now afraid of losing his cool.

This doesn't give you even a hint of how loathsome Night of Horror is. I've seen it cause even hardened veterans of the Bad Movie Wars to hit the Eject button screaming after the first twenty minutes. Manos at least had the studly cape. Zombie Lake had the naked girls' basketball team treading water. They Saved Hitler's Brain at least had Hitler's head mugging it up in the back seat. But Night of Horror has NOTHING. NOTHING. NOT ONE MOMENT of inspiration, humor, or gratuitous nay-nays. NOT ONE FRAME that doesn't look like it was shot in a koi pond and processed in bongwater.

And this turkey di tutti turkeys ACTUALLY FOUND A DISTRIBUTOR. Do you understand what that means? I have no doubt that all around the world people have worse films sitting in cans in ancient Kelvinators rattling away in mouldering tool sheds, that they just can't make themselves take to the dump. But Night of Horror actually caused money to change hands - somebody screened this excrescence, said, "Yeah, I think I can make a buck off that," and cut Malanowski a check.

We're there. This is it. We've touched bottom. Until Battlefield Earth 2 premieres, The Worst Movie Ever Made.