Il giustiziere del Bronx

This is another film I happened upon at my local DVD rental outlet of which I had no prior knowledge; having watched a spate of belated Euro-Cult sci-fi outings over the last couple of years, I suspected I’d be in for a ‘so bad it’s good’ ride – but the end result, though certainly unintentionally hilarious, is a wretched piece of junk.

To begin with the plot doesn’t make a lick of sense: little wonder, since it lifted a good deal of footage – including Woody Strode’s entire performance – from THE FINAL EXECUTIONER (1983), a film directed by Romolo Guerrieri (hence his unofficial credit above)! Anyway, here we get a rookie sheriff in a futuristic New York – replacing Strode (dubbed, what else, “The Black Man”) – who has to quell an ongoing conflict between a colony of androids and one comprised of renegade humanoids (the script even makes some dumb comparisons between the latter’s fate and that endured by Native Americans over the years!); incidentally, don’t ask me to explain the difference between each faction of robots, because I sure as hell couldn’t tell them apart!!

As is usual for this kind of film, we’re treated to a crappy electronic score and characters who could best be described as scum; ironically, the would-be hero doesn’t do much of anything throughout (even if he’s relentlessly undermined by martinet Strode during his period of training). As a matter of fact, the lead is actually...er...the leader of the humanoids – a short-tempered beefcake wearing a ridiculously undersized sleeveless shirt and who’s supposedly fallen in love with a human; when she’s raped and murdered by rival androids, he sets out to infiltrate the latter’s castle base (having by this time befriended the cop). Margie Newton (from Bruno Mattei’s equally lamentable HELL OF THE LIVING DEAD [1980]) is the bimbo leader of the villainous robots – who, amusingly, gets an itch for lovemaking just as the final onslaught is about to begin!

While there are some undeniable howlers throughout – particularly the humanoid leader’s dumb monologues – the film is simply too poorly handled (in all departments) to be easily enjoyed; in fact, even if less than 90 minutes in length, I found it virtually unbearable...

I spotted this gem while browsing the dollar isle at my local discount grocery store. It was between some Smurf air fresheners left over from the 80's and an assortment of kitchen magnets that claimed to be guaranteed for life. After pondering the scenario under which one might possibly send a kitchen magnet back for repairs, I was enticed into picking up this DVD. I was surprised that given the captivating description of a battle between humans and "Robotic Replicants" in a future New York, the price would only be one dollar. "They must be crazy" I muttered, and dashed off to the cashier with my prize. All the way home I envisioned cyborg warriors clashing amidst blood and guts of the weaker humans as they dominated futuristic city landscapes littered with tell-tale trademarks of the once proud NYC. My dream was shattered in the opening scene and never recovered. After a barrage of stock footage that looked like it was designed to lure nerds into joining the audio-video club in high school, my senses were assaulted by what seemed to me to be a typical sunny day in The Big Apple complete with WTC shots and vacation-like panning of NYC architecture. Where were the futuristic landscapes? Shouldn't the city be an apocalyptic shell of itself? Just when I thought things couldn't seem further from the morbid vision of the future I was led to believe I would see, I was switched to a bad video of two guys running through some bushes with all the seriousness of a weekend paint ball tournament.

As the "plot" developed I began wondering if there was any possibility that Smurf air fresheners might one day come back in vogue and if perchance I may have purchased the wrong item. After trudging through scenes of bad actors doing what they do best ... acting badly, I realized that this movie may have been made simply to show off Margit Evelyn Newton's thighs as she sported her seemingly futuristic shiny leather suit. More bad acting was accentuated by action scenes that make Walker Texas Ranger fight scenes look like high-tech special effect wizardly. Then came one of the most grueling and monotonous scenes this side of an Andy Warhol film ... black man (is that really the most inventive name the writers could come up with?) begins training the new sheriff using such futuristic techniques as running through potato sacks and banging a pipe on a railing for what seemed like an eternity while spewing insults that wouldn't motivate a boy scout to rub two sticks together. On to the target practice scene where the new guy shoots at a slide show. More special effect pyrotechnics from the high school AV club!

Eventually I yawned my way through to the rape scene. Yes rape is still a crime in the future and robots are in on the act. For the first time the movie seems to want the viewers attention! Sure they have to resort to the gratuitous naked breast shot and "woman with lustful look of pleasure on her face" shot but after all they know what the public wants. Why would a grubby biker-robot want to rape a human woman? And why would a sexily clad female robot get her rocks off watching it? These and many other questions such as "How does one break a refrigerator magnet anyhow? Can a refrigerator magnet actually wear out?" kept rolling through my head as I stared blankly into the glowing screen before me. More scenes of guys using walkie-talkies that look like shoe boxes with lightning rods attached. Obviously at some point in the future miniaturization of electronic components becomes lame and everyone goes in for the retro look of the 50's. Suddenly everyone is running Willy-nilly through abandon factories with a lot of rusty machine stuff around. Rusty machine stuff is a must-have for any futuristic movie worth its salt so I guess the producers figured they might as well throw it in to take up time in the least expensive way.

The next scene involves bad robots behaving badly by watching a video tape of the rape scene again. Sort of a cyborg porno group type thing that gives Margit Evelyn Newton a reason to heave her breasts wanting and toss a few more "woman with lustful look of pleasure on her face" shots in ... just in case anyone was still watching. Hitch that to a scene of her undressing, then dressing for bed, then being undressed by a male robot, and you have about the most intense 2 minutes that this movie can pull off

... if you pardon the expression.

It never gets any better, bad gun fight scenes and poorly choreographed fight scenes pepper their way through this mish mash of cinematic slop until I was left begging for it to end and wishing I bought the refrigerator magnets.

I'm the post-apocalyptic Bronx, evil androids and humanoids engage in a war for supremacy.

Director Vanio Amici's Bronx Executioners, released in 1989 but feeling like a B-Movie from 1982, extensively uses footage from the 1984 film The Final Executioner. The Bronx setting, despite claiming a post-apocalyptic vibe, bears little resemblance to the actual Bronx. It lacks the fun, futuristic elements, and coherence found in films like 1990: Bronx Warrior, Rats: Night of Terror, and The New Barbarians, among others. The gunplay, dog attacks, staged fights, and severed heads contribute to the film's chaotic mix.

Woody Strode's reused footage as Sam from The Final Executioner now portrays the character Warren, while Alex Vitale, previously the Russian in Strike Commando, plays Dakar, aspiring to be human. Margit Evelyn Newton, known for Hell of the Living Dead, is the only actor from the first film with new scenes in the second. The inclusion of saxophone in the last act attempts to evoke a Blade Runner vibe. Notably, Paolo Rustichelli's music, borrowing much from The Terminator (1984), stands out as one of the film's highlights.

Overall, Bronx Executioners feels like a poorly assembled remake of 'The Final Executioner,' lacking coherence. It may appeal to those who enjoy sporadic scenes of men rolling and falling around.

Why ?? Why ?? Why ?? This movie starts out bad and ends up bad. It is bad all around. The first 5 minutes of the movie is saturated with images... images of video editing equipment. This is followed by the stock footage Circle Line tour of New York complete with narration (notice the Queensborough bridge panoramic pole shot - classic). There is no reason to watch this movie .. unless it is late night and you can't sleep, or your are completely wasted and want to lose some more brain cells. If this is not enough for you, how about the addition of veteran movie actor Woody Stode (aka black man - in this movie thats what he is referred to) to improve the movie. WRONG !!! It only gets worse. Woody was a pro-football star in his days, too bad he was 70+ years old in this movie. Not only that, but he does his own stunts. I have not seen fight scenes this bad since I watched a Jean-Claude van Damme movie. Truly horrific action. Action so boring, you may want to break out the coffee to stay awake through them. This movie was so cheaply done that they could not even afford fake blood for the death scenes. The sound effects are horrible. The Atari 2600 had better and the soundtrack sounds like it was ripped from a bad porn movie. This movie is so boring, "Margie" actually watches a scene from the movie (Spaceballs - save me). So in that scene we are watching the actors watch their own movie. There are endless scenes of "Dakar" driving and whining on his 2-way radio. There is a 2-second fully-clothed rape scene. And no thats how long it actually lasts - 2 seconds. Incidentally, that is the scene that "Margie" watches later. There are 2 scenes which stand out in my mind - the training of the new sheriff (which involves "white man" shooting at a film projection on a wall) and the sheriff shooting through the castle at the end (think Wild Gunmen for the Nintendo). If you want to watch a better movie ... try just about anything. If you want to see a post apocalyptic Italian exploitation movie about New York .. watch 2019: After the Fall of New York.

-Celluloid Rehab

THE BRONX EXECUTIONER begins with lots of electronic / computer stuff going on, letting us know that we're in "the future".

This movie is a conglomeration of elements and particles from other movies that were actual hits, unlike this misbegotten stew of misery. There are bits of ROBOCOP, BLADE RUNNER, and THE TERMINATOR, with a pinch of THE ROAD WARROR tossed in for the hell of it.

How could this not be the most exciting movie ever made?

A woman named Margie (Margie Newton) is head of an army of killer-biker androids. They lead an assault on mankind that is sheer, chunky cheddar ballet! Bullets fly as people flip, flop, and twist about in slow-motion! All while Margie runs around in her red, leatherette mini-dress and dog collar!

The dialogue is poetically pathetic, and constitutes the greatest strength of this cinematic smegma..

Enter Warren (Woody Strode), who's in this movie for reasons unknown. Fights occur. More people fly around. Motorcycles ride through a blasted landscape. There are musclemen. A rape / murder scene exists only to show pointless nudity, and to give the viewer something to be angry about other than the emptiness of this nonsense. A battle takes place. Margie decides to shed her clothes as well. Etc.

A stupendously skull-flattening experience...