The Instructor

Obviously people here do not "understand" cinema. This is one of the most luminous pieces of celluloid (I mean VHS) master pieces to have ever graced my grocery store shopping cart. The 99 cents I spent on this movie was too cheap a price to pay. I payed 99 cents for poor martial arts action from a middle aged goon whose love of his students get's the better of his judgment. So that's like 90 cents for action, 5 cents for drama, 3 cents for making sense, and that leaves one cent left for Thumper. With names like, "Thumper" how can you go wrong. The opening sequence is wonderful and deliciously shot poorly. The chase scene was incredulously long and very anti-climactic. It involved, cars, bikes, and chainsaws, running through the woods and streams. Don't forget all of the poorly executed stunts. This movies charms it's way into your heart via the phrase "I don't see no anchor tied to your ass boy!" and all of the obligatory "crotch" grabbing sequences. I mean, The Instructor grabs so many testicles in the first fight alone! How can that not be awesome. He dodges bullets, fights goons with swords, and through poor editing seamlessly kicks a guy off a motorcycle (that's probably the best scene, aside from the ninja picking his nose). It is well worth a watch. It made me laugh harder than any other honest attempt to make a martial arts film, ever, from a guy that looks like the Instructor. Through it's poor acting and editing it makes me yearn for the days of America Ninja 4, when Micheal Dudekoff was way too "good" to be in any subsequent sequels since American Ninja 2. Oh, the glory of '83. Instructor, I say "Thank You!" for Instructing....me....how to....um....laugh...or something. that's a ten baby, for Jawsome!

You might suspect that the plot of this movie was written in the process of filming. It begins as a "punks versus vigilante" movie, but in the middle of the film, the plot changes abruptly when the vigilante turns to be an honest man with his honest girl and his honest gym and has to fight the corrupt "businessmen" who want to turn the gym down at any cost to build a mall or something. Then, the plot changes again, and we forget about the corrupt guys. The villain now is the friend of the leading man, who thinks he is a Ninja. The guy becomes "crazy evil" and wants at any cost to win a Martial Arts Contest. Seeing this movie is like having a nightmare with the television on.

If you like 80s low budget/homegrown action films this is essential. Its the perfect combination of baffling and hilarious. The film also maintains suspense through its action scenes by making you genuinely fear for the safety of the actors as they preform stupidly dangerous amateur stunts.

The film opens strong with a hilarious action scene that sets the tone for the rest of the film and even justifies sitting through the next 30 minutes which are fairly boring. But not to worry, your patients is rewarded with a final chase/fight scene that keeps finding new and creative ways to make you laugh and say to yourself "oh my god someone's gonna get hurt."

In the late 1970s, fans of martial arts movies were treated to such garbage Bruce Lee knock-offs with comical voice dubbing and hokey fight scenes. This regional kung-fu entry shot entirely in Akron, Ohio with a no-name cast, but features skilled local martial artists, really delivers with very nice action set pieces. Don Bendell, who had wrote, produced, directed, and co-starred really did a nice job with the film. He wrote the script originally in 1976 and filming started during the summer of 1980. It was shot on 16mm and was blown up to 35 when the movie was finally distributed worldwide to theaters in 1984. The theatrical version included a new opening scene to make it more action-packed, but the new open makes it more silly and over-the-top than kick-ass, but that was no fault of Bendell, because the distributor ordered that change.

Wow, where do I start... there is a character called Thumper, the lead actor has hair that looks like it's a nasty wig made out of Fun Furr, many scenes go nowhere and have nothing to do with the movie, the only ninja is retarded, and all of the lead characters are middle aged, have gold chains, hairy chests, bad hair, and expensive sports cars - referred to by my friend as "impotence mobiles."

The movie is poorly written and acted, which is what usually happens when the same person directs, produces, writes, and stars in a low budget film. The movie appears to follow the standard good martial arts instructor vs. evil martial arts instructor. Some of the more ridiculous scenes are: 1) Thumper winning a martial arts tournament, though we questioned his ability to do this as he was knocked out cold by one punch from a biker earlier in the film; 2) during the same tournament, the officials/referees who score the match and can override other judges scores, are the instructors of the competitors - talk about conflict of interest; 3) the female black belt, who when confronted by 4 thugs, let's them get fresh with her, then flails helplessly before finally starting to defend herself. Geez...

While I don't think it's the worst movie ever, it's definitely got to be seen to be believed. There are some unintentionally funny scenes, and many things make no sense. So be forewarned, and watch at your own risk.