Tian luo da po wu hang zhen

This strange '70s kung fu fantasy confused the heck out of me, so I read a few reviews in the hope of understanding the film a little better. No dice. It's so bizarre that no-one seems to be able to give a comprehensible summary. IMDb can't. Even my usually trusty copy of The Ultimate Guide to Martial Arts Movies of the 1970s failed to make matters any clearer (their description is so confusing, it might have well been written in Chinese).

The film opens with a man rescuing a sea snail from a snake. That much I understood. It's everything that follows that had me bewildered, some nonsense about a snail fairy helping hapless hero Cheng Fu (Yuan-Shen Huang) battle wicked relatives who are being aided by an evil demon. For most of the time, who is who and why they're doing what they are doing is completely unfathomable. Atrocious dubbing certainly didn't help, but I seriously doubt that the film would have made much more sense had there had been perfectly translated subtitles. It's that bad!

Often, I'm still able to have a good time with weird Asian movies even when I don't understand what is going on, but this one annoyed the hell out of me, its sheer shoddiness proving irritating rather than funny, its collection of shonky demons looking as though they've come straight from a pride parade—these include a snake demon with a badly painted face (I've seen better face-painting at my local school fete), a gold demon wearing a phallic hat and a shredded bin liner, a fire demon who looks like a bad disco dancer, and a creaky wood demon, all of whom perform some pretty lousy martial arts.

The adopted son has a dream and sea snail fairy tells him to be blood brothers with a sea snail on his table. Then the old man comes in and bosses him around. Turns out he is the heir to a fortune. There might be more to the story but the problem is this movie is listed as a martial arts movie. There is only one title for the movie. It was not renamed for the purpose of VHS rentals. The great Simon Yuen shows up about 50 minutes in and there is a brief fight. Then about ten minutes later the hero gets beat up and the girl's ghost enters his body and suddenly he is able to fight back. Two girls fight some fantasy creatures at the end also. I can't recommend this movie for fans of martial arts movies even though technically there are some fights. It is really just a poor fantasy movie tossed together in a way that makes no sense with a few fights added as an attempt to break the boredom. Even the great Simon Yuen failed to save this from a 2 out of 10 rating if you are expecting a martial arts movie. If you just want to see some pretty girls, including Candice Yu On-On (Chow Yun-Fat's ex-wife) then give it 4 out of 10.

One of those weird little kung fu fantasy films that looks like it was shot on a very cheap budget indeed. The English title of DEADLY SNAIL VS. THE KUNG FU KILLERS seems to be a mistitling because snails play a very small role in the proceedings whereas DEADLY SNAKE VS. THE KUNG FU KILLERS is more apt because a giant snake has a much larger role. Whichever way you look at it this is so-bad-it's-good style entertainment and certainly a film impossible to take seriously.

The film's fantastic elements involve a couple of fairies who can visit Earth and do weird stuff like appear and disappear at well. A young hero is involved in the storyline, falling foul of his bad-tempered uncle and forced into a plot involving a battle to the death against an evil snake demon who wants to kill everyone in its path. Simon Yuen plays said demon and is unrecognisable under the cheesy make up. Bruce Lee's real-life buddy, Little Unicorn, is the erstwhile hero of the piece. There's a plethora of cheap and cheesy effects and background scenery here, although the martial arts isn't too snappy and overall this is laughable rather than genuinely good.