Hellinger

It's hard to convey your feelings in written form over the Internet. You could use a hundred different words and still end up falling short of what you're trying to tell the reader. What I'm getting at is, I can in no way accurately describe the.. acting in the first 5 minutes. You could run through every synonym in every language in the world and still come nowhere near the awfulness of this scene. It's between a man and a little girl, and you couldn't find two worst performers if you tried. Thankfully, the bloke is quickly disposed of, and the kid grows up into the main character of the film.. actually, scratch the "Thankfully" part, because everyone else is almost as bad.

My God, this is a stinker. It lets off such a putrid stench it would even kill the flies and dung-beetles. Hellinger is a guy covered in white make-up who speaks in a stupid voice. He eats his own skin, which is made out of rubber. When he kills people, he lets off blood packs in his hands. Scared yet? I certainly am, when I realise that there are actually people loose in our community who consider it a horror rather than a comedy. I'm not one for unintentional laughs, but there were so many clunkers here I was rolling on the floor begging for mercy. A lot of them involving the heroine's bearded cousin, who sports possibly the most ridiculous OTT tattoo of a dragon known to man. It covers the whole of his body up to his neck, and is so distracting it is actually more fun to watch than anything else in the picture. Go on, pause when he's taking his shower, and check out the amount of detail in the illustration. AMAZING.

Finally, after the minuscule running time of just over 70 minutes, the movie is over. We can discuss all the highlights, such as Shannah Betz rubbing red food dye over her tits and a nasty chap stabbing a girl in the vagina repeatedly. You people must be really proud of your agents. Especially with the ending, that features the dismembering of a Spitting Image puppet complete with chopped liver. Yes I know it's supposed to be Hellinger, but COME ON. The fact that this isn't the worst film I've seen this year is the most depressing part. Sigh.. 0/10

Hellinger (Wayne Petrucelli), a demonic spirit who looks like he failed to graduate from Cenobite school and talks as though he has severe brain damage, likes to torment a woman named Melissa (Shana Sosin), killing those around her and then boring the poor girl with protracted monologues about the devil and stuff (all delivered in his insufferable trademark drawl).

Melissa's cousin Kendall (Artie Richard) is a tough cop with a serious set of inks and a cool leather coat; he is investigating a murder, but seems to spend more time talking to Melissa's coma-inducing psychiatrist in an attempt to help her with her problems.

Meanwhile, Melissa's boyfriend is out doing very nasty things to women with a knife...

Even by Troma's low, low standards, Hellinger is very poor viewing: the muddled Hellraiser-style storyline is never scary, the dialogue is tedious and uninteresting, the acting atrocious (with Petrucelli taking the prize for worst actor), and the whole cheap-assed production reeks of amateurishness. Hell, the extreme levels of ineptitude displayed by all involved didn't even manage to make me laugh, so the film doesn't even score marks there!

However, narrowly saving this piece of garbage from the shame of receiving a 1/10 are a couple of completely gratuitous sex scenes (just like dwarfs and kung fu, they always make a film better) and a murder scene that manages to shock thanks to the over-the-top manner in which the victim is dispatched: she is brutally punched in the face, repeatedly stabbed between the legs with a knife, eaten out by her attacker (yes, literally eaten out!!!), and then raped. This is all done in the dark, and so isn't necessarily that graphic, but we see enough to get the message: this killer is one very sick puppy!

I'm really upset that this movie wasn't better, because the antagonist's origin story was really interesting and a lot could have been done with it.

Additionally, one could argue that the true villain of this story escapes justice entirely. The movie ends when you would expect the third act to begin, making the ending unsatisfying. In fact, given that they introduce a new character in the last 15 minutes of the movie, I wonder if funding ran out and they just decided to end it there instead of actually finishing the production?

Shana Betz and Veronica Bero have wonderful chemistry. Betz is especially good. I think the movie would have been far better if the focus were solely on her character, as Betz is more than capable of carrying a film on her own. She exudes charm.

If you like nudity, Betz is topless for a sex scene. The male lead, played by Artie Richard, has an utterly gratuitous love scene with an unnamed character who appears topless. You also see his butt in a shower scene. (He has full body tattoos, so tattoo lovers may really appreciate this.)

Dialogue is not great, story is not great, Richard's character seems irrelevant to the story, sex scenes dragged into soft core territory--which made them feel out of place in a horror movie.

My rule with bad movies is that nudity and/or campy violence has to take up the slack--or that the cast has to have exceptional chemistry and charisma. Betz has the latter, but she's the only one. There is not enough of the first two to offset this movie's negatives.

Wasted potential here, which is a real shame. For such a short movie, it felt like an eternity.

Also: the cover art and title make you think they're going for a Hellraiser rip off, but that's a red herring.

Rating: 3/10

1-3 Don't waste your time 4-6 Good 7-9 Great 10 Outstanding.

I give this film a 1 because negative numbers aren't available. Terrible effects and dialogue. But the acting is the WORST!!! The long haired "hero" is lame and an embarrassment to long hairs everywhere. Dude can't act and his dialogue is flat. I'd say the part with the lead actress rubbing "blood" all over her breast is typical but I had to laugh when she was screwing the guy and there was a fuzzy pink distortion in the pubic area when the covers dropped down. Hilarious!!! If you need to blur something.... REMOVE IT FROM THE FILM!!! Don't waste your time

The Village Voice calls it a masterpiece. A young woman's strange, erotic journey from Milan to Minsk. It's a story about life. And love. And becoming a woman. "Hellinger," now playing at Paradise 2.