Samurai Cop

Writing this comment is the hardest thing I have ever had to do. The magnitude of this movie cannot be defined. It has it all: Japanese/Mexican Crime Lord with Mullet? Check. Guy who dies 4 different times because they didn't know enough people who wanted to be in this movie? Check. Random nurse scene with even more random clips of black partner's facial responses to nurse's comments about size of samurai cop's "sword"? Yes, that too is in it. Basically, if you ever saw a terrifically bad movie, and liked it, you will bow down to the awesome power of Amir Shervan's cinematic genius.

Smaurai Cop spares no expense. It gives you what you really want: Boobs, Racial Comments, Excessive Groping of Handgun by a Lacky, Fight scene with obvious continuity issues, Pimp Van in fast motion chase scene, Disturbingly Effeminate Waiter, 4 different samurai wigs, Matt Hannon acting, and too many other priceless moments to recount.

I am not sure how Amir got Robert Z'Dar and Gerald Okamura on this film (considering their "star power"), but thank God he did. This movie does not get the credit it deserves. It is one of cinema's greatest gems and should be recognized as such. Please, if you have watched this movie, and loved it, comment now!

Joe Marshall (goofy beefcake actor Matt Hannon) is a detective trained in the ways of the samurai, and together with his affable partner Frank Washington (Mark Frazer), he goes after the many goons and thugs working for big time Japanese mobster Mr. Fujiyama.

That's about it for plot in this knowingly cheesy, sloppy, and silly martial arts action movie mess, written and directed by Amir Shervan. Obviously he knew exactly what kind of movie he was making, and just had fun with it. Often, "Samurai Cop" offers plenty of bad movie charm, as it clunks along from one inept sequence to another. The acting is hilariously, endearingly dumb across the board, with Hannon as one majorly wooden hero. Frazer has many great facial reactions. The ladies present are delicious eye candy: Melissa Moore as horny cop Peggy, Jannis Farley as leading lady Jennifer, and Krista Lane as a henchwoman. Robert Z'Dar is great fun as Yamashita, the primary henchman.

Marshall dispenses with inept bad guys left, right and centre; ultimately, the movie isn't always terribly funny, and gets a little tiresome, but it's still amusing enough to make it pleasant if not uproarious fare. It could have used some better pacing, but still delivers enough laughs for those B cinema enthusiasts looking to have a night of bad movies and beers.

Six out of 10.

After I finished watching Samurai Cop, I sat in silent disbelief for a few moments not really knowing what to think. I decided that I had either just watched one of the absolutely worst movies ever made or I had watched a piece of satirical brilliance that my puny mind couldn't fully comprehend. After doing a little research, I realize that my first notion was correct - it's bad. However, as bad as Samurai Cop is, that doesn't change the fact that I was entertained. If you do an internet search for a movie that's "so bad, it's good" (God, do I hate that phrase), a picture of Samurai Cop should immediately pop-up on your screen. It is the embodiment of what a "so bad, it's good" movie is.

So just how bad is Samurai Cop? Everything about the movie shows a level indescribable incompetence. Technically, the movie is a train wreck. The direction is horrible, there is a complete lack of continuity, my 5 year-old could have done better with the sound editing and effects, lighting is literally non-existent, and visual effects are incredibly poor. Artistically, the movie isn't any better. Sets, costuming, music, and make-up are all bargain basement. As for the acting - when Robert Z'Dar stands head-and- shoulders above the other actors talent-wise, that speaks volumes about the quality of the acting. I won't go into the full backstory of how the movie was made, but it does explain a lot and is worth reading for a laugh or two.

I haven't even mentioned the plot because it really doesn't matter. It has something to do with a Japanese gang that controls the drug trade in Los Angeles and the police that are trying to put them out of business. In reality, the plot is about a gang of bad guys and the cops that routinely shoot them. That's about it. With a name like Samurai Cop, I expected to see some martial arts type action with a lot of hand-to-hand fighting. But alas, this Samurai Cop and his trigger happy partner are much more at home shooting the baddies. The one or two actual fight scenes are (as you probably could guess by now) poorly choreographed messes.

As bad as it all is, the whole thing is just so funny it's hard not to find entertainment in what you're watching. For example, there a scene where Samurai Cop and his trigger happy partner go visit a burn victim to get some information. This man is wrapped head-to- toe in bleeding bandages. What does our hero do? Standing about four feet from the hospital bed, he hits up the nurse with some of the most inappropriate, cringe-worthy dialogue ever heard. It's literally laugh-out-loud funny. Another example of incompetent brilliance occurs when Robert Z'Dar's character, Yamashita (yes, Robert Z'Dar plays a character named Yamashita), throws a grenade that we inexplicably and hysterically hear explode twice. One grenade - two explosions. Funny stuff. And just when you think the movie has hit a low point and can't get any more absurd, somehow it does. Samurai Cop keeps giving.

Realistically, Samurai Cop is a complete disaster of a movie. If you rated it as a serious action film, you'd have to give it a 1/10. However, it is unintentionally one of the funnier movies I've seen in awhile. As a comedy piece, I'd rate it an 8/10. Averaging the two ratings together and rounding up, I'm giving Samurai Cop an overall 5/10. If you're into "bad" movies, this one is not to be missed.

In SAMURAI COP, Asian gang members start yelling at each other, right away! One of them, named Yamashita (Robert Z'Dar), begins killing other gangsters, apparently due to his awesomely enormous beard.

Enter police officer Joe Marshall (Matt Hannon), who starts off wearing my mom's old 1970's wig, before miraculously sprouting hair of his own! A cocaine deal "goes down", leading to a chase, with the cops driving the MYSTERY MACHINE from Scooby Doo! Bad guys are slaughtered like the nameless extras they are, followed by imitation sex between Marshall and his cop / Barbie girlfriend.

Meanwhile, the Asian gangsters scream at each other again, making Yamashita appear sedate by contrast. Marshall and his partner, Frank Washington (Mark Frazer) question a bloody guy in a sheet, while near-mannequins chatter mindless dialogue. Yamashita executes sheet man. Can Marshall catch Yamashita, before the streets run reddish with dayglo blood?

More dimwit dialogue is spoken by semi-sentient fungi posing as "actors", while Hannon teeters between his hippie-haired, toilet cleaner-snorting, Clint Westwood persona, and his goggle-eyed, Rambo / hamster with rotting of the brain. Oh yeah, and does he ever score with the ladies!

The "action" in this bust-a-gut symphony of ineptitude is a schlock addicts dream! Every scene is a priceless, irredeemable collection of nonsense! Not even the full frontal, female nudity can detract or distract from the beautiful, cluster-galaxy of rubbish unfolding before us!

Every fight scene is a ballet of buffoonery! Parts that are supposed to induce tension, only produce uncontrollable laugh spasms! The all-too-frequent sex scenes are like watching trees rubbing against each other in a heavy wind!

Thankfully, Marshall's wig returns, becoming a sort of character in itself. Actually the wig, in addition to being the best actor in the film, adds suspense, since we never know just when it might show up next! The Yamashita beard is a close second, taking our attention away from the boom mic shadow, during a crucial scene. The finale pits the wig against the beard, in a knock down, drag out, sword-swinging grimace fest, featuring wet sandbag punches and more grunting than at a corporate pig farm!

Yes! This is cinema!...

Samurai Cop is a movie that is bad on so many levels that it's difficult to know where to begin. First of all, the acting performances are below average and lead actor Mathew Karedas seems to only have one facial expression. The plot is everything but clever, extremely predictable and could be described as almost childish. The dialogues are thin, unconvincing and often performed in poor English because the script was written by Iranian director Amir Shervan who didn't have much experience. The female characters in this movie are all stupidly obsessed with sex and the male characters try to look cool on purpose which makes them look like complete idiots. The camera techniques are often terrible because characters who are talking are sometimes out of frame or picture. Technicians are sometimes visible in the reflections of sunglasses or as shadows in a small room. There are numerous continuity mistakes with people wearing sunglasses in one cut and not wearing them in the next cut four seconds later, hospital rooms being filled with people that have mysteriously vanished five seconds later and people being asked to come from New York City to Los Angeles who are suddenly present a few minutes later as if they had taken a rocket ride. The locations of this film are also boring and mostly consist of exchangeable alleys, random intersections and cheap restaurants. The worst part about the movie is that the director forgot to shoot some important scenes and asked the different actors to come together again to finish the film about four months after it had already been finished. The problem here is that our static lead actor Mathew Karedas cut his long hair after the movie had been completed and had to wear a wig to avoid continuity errors. The problem is that this wig looks extremely fake and is even pulled off his head in a fight Scene if you watch closely which is the cherry on the cake of this goofy b-movie.

You might wonder why this film still deserved a generous five out of ten points. The answer is quite obvious. This film is so bad that it's almost good again. It's quite amusing to catch all the obvious mistakes. The film is unpredictable in its goofy weirdness. A nice drinking game invented by two German comedians specifically for this movie consists of drinking a shot of alcohol each time the main character's wig is visible.

To be fair though, it's a quite entertaining movie with a lot of car chases and fight scenes with bare hands, pistols, swords and improvised weapons. The movie also includes several soft porn scenes and a shallow love story that gives us a break from all the action. I was never bored by this movie because of its vivid flow. Most action movies these days either bore with complicated background stories, endless dialogues and take themselves way too serious or are filled with exchangeable CGI effects and enormous plot holes in unnecessary sequels. From that point of view, Samurai Cop is almost refreshingly grounded and unpretentious.

Fans of old-school action b-movies could be very well entertained by Samurai Cop and can give this film a shot if they are open to have some fun. My advice would be to invite some friends over while watching this film. Despite its numerous obvious flaws, Samurai Cop is still overall an average movie and not among the worst films I have ever watched like so many other people claim.