Test Tube Teens from the Year 2000

"Mystery Science Theatre 3000", or "MST3K" as it's known to its fans, was unceremoniously taken off the air several years ago, much to the dismay of film geeks like myself. This wonderful show took horrid, so-bad-they're-hilarious films and inserted its own irreverent commentary, well before such features were common on DVDs (or even before DVDs existed). At 74 minutes, David DeCoteau's (under one of his several aliases) opus "Test Tube Teens From The Year 2000" (aka "Virgin Hunters") is a perfect excuse to bring the show back, as it's tailor made for a fresh commentary by Mike/Joel and the 'bots. There's even room for commercials!

In the year 2019, an American corporation has overtaken the globe. At the behest of board member Camella Swales (Morgan Fairchild), Supercorp has banned sex in all its forms, resulting in humans being grown from test tubes (hence the confusing title...the protagonists were birthed in the year 2000). A professor who's part of an underground resistance (Ian Abercrombie) sends two of his students back in time to stop this from happening: the cute-but-geeky Naldo (Brian Bremer) and hunky lunkhead Vin (Christopher Wolf). They are followed by their friend Reena (Sara Suzanne Brown) and a killer cyborg (Don Dowe). Back in 1994, the test tube teens must stop Camella, then the head of an all-girls academy, from ever attaining the power that will lead her to ban sex. Much hilarity and female nudity ensue.

By all rights, this film should be at best awful. The sets, script, effects, and actors are all on a strict budget, and it shows, quite painfully in some cases. But the film is highly enjoyable despite itself. One reason is its mercifully short length (and even then the plot seems stretched too thin) and the other is the winning attitudes of all the actors involved. Everyone in the film seems like they're enjoying themselves and are honestly trying to bring through a good performance. Nobody brings this across more than Fairchild, who seems to relish playing the icy Camella Swales with a tightly-wound bliss. Both Bremer and Wolf are also quite enjoyable and charming, and it helps that Wolf is an absolutely gorgeous man. There are also moments of genuine humor, especially through Dowe's hilarious Arnold Schwarzenegger impression as the killer android.

When bad films take themselves too seriously, they're painful to sit through, such as the ponderous and dreadful "The Hulk." But when they keep their tongues in cheek and just have fun with themselves, they're actually quite enjoyable. "Test Tube Teens" falls firmly into the latter category, and it's all the better for it. Especially if you're trapped on a satellite with two wise-cracking robots. 6 out of 10.

The dvd box claims this is "The classic 80's sci-fi sex romp!" Too bad it came out in 1994.

It's called Test Tube Teens from the Year 2000... except they're from 2019... but most of the movie takes place in 1994...

Can somebody help Full Moon figure out what day it is?

Anyway, the DeCoteauthon continues. This time we follow two dudes from a future where the world is under corporate rule...and...gasp...they've banned sex! They get caught up with the rebellion and about two minutes later they stumble upon a time machine and go back in time to change the future.

Luckily for teenage boys everywhere that mission takes them back to a girls' school and everyone knows there are lots of b**bs at a girls' school...and we see just about all of them along with a few beaver shots too all while our two heroes set out to destroy Morgan Fairchild.

This is probably the least g*y of any DeCoteau movie I've seen so far...but even still there's a Skinemax style soft core s*x scene stuck in the middle here and we see everything but his junk...in full sweaty detail. There's a beautiful off clothed girl in the scene too... if you're into that sort of thing (yes you are!)

They also go to a nightclub where the security guys are oiled up shirtless guys in short shorts.

And at that nightclub the two guys go all dirty dancing on each other even though they both have beautiful love interests about 3 feet away.

And the guys are dressed in women's clothing for 75% of the movie.

I almost forgot about the blatant Terminator ripoff in the form of a future cyborg cop who comes back in time to catch the rebel boys. He even says "I'll be back" in case you didn't get the "reference" immediately when he showed up. Then they reprogram him to be helpful... where do they come up with this stuff?

It's no Sorority Babes but it was fun... and Morgan Fairchild lays a robot... so at least there's that (and there's that!)

I swear! It was very short, but the pace was fast and wasted no time. The best camp has to be played straight and all the actors did so. No real graphic sex, just innuendo and lots of exposed breasts. I got a kick out of most of the jokes. It was definitely 80s humor. Its a small piece of candy, not a steak dinner. Come take the low budget ride.

Some films you know are pretty bad, but you can't help liking, even loving in some small, affectatious kind of way. Test Tube Teens from the Year 2000 (or the even more stupid sounding 'virgin hunters' as it's known in my backwards homeland) is, in a nutshell, juvenile. It rivals the Porky's films (and even it's army of even shallower imitators)for it's juvenile attitude to sex and the whole man-woman thing, but has a few aces up it's sleeve.

Firstly the sci-fi twist helps; starting in the nearish future in a world where corporations have taken over from governments and, for reasons never adequetly explained, sex has been banned. This is all thanks to "an uptight bitch named Camella Swales" played by one Morgan Fairchild (how in Jesus's name she got hooked into doing this one will never know), so a group of freedom fighters inspired by a rebellious high-school lecturer, played by the always enjoyable Ian Abercrombie (who later played one of Elaine's bosses in Sienfeld!), decide to go back in time Arnie style and kick Morgan's ass!

The only thing that slows this film down are the frequent soft-core fantasy sex sequences. (The only decent one is in the first five minutes with the utterly gorgeous Sarah Suzzane Brown, who's also likeable as the heroine.) Best to fast-forward through these utterly un-erotic affairs and get back to what this film does best - being funny. There's a good spoof of Arnold Schwarzawhatever (an actor who in my opinion can never be rediculed enough) in a terminator-style character sent to get the time-travelling teens, but who eventually steals Ms Fairchilds heart with his cybernetic man-love. And there's plenty of other gags and nice little touches worth seeing it for - just don't spend more than a few bucks on it, ok?