Auf brennendem Eis

In this Alaskan film, Joan Chen plays what is quite probably the last word in Sino-Eskimo snow bunnies.

Eskimo Joan represents the same sort of Hollywood confusion about racial boundary lines which saw Larry Fishburne play the Moor of Venice, and Jackie Chan cast to play the King of Pop in an upcoming TV movie. (I'm kidding about one of these.) Not to mention generations of Italian and Jewish Indians, and more white actors in blackface than there are seeds in a watermelon.

Joan is teamed here with Steven Seagal, quite probably the last word in inarticulate and extremely violent tree-hugging Buddhists. Sort of the Billy Jack of the Barents Sea. His jacket has more fringe on it than you'd see at a reunion concert by the Buffalo Springfield.

Together, they try to build a world where an interracial couple can be happy in an oomiak built for two.

A number of years ago, I spent nearly 8 seconds at a book-signing in the presence of Michael Caine. For each of those seconds, he was extremely personable. So it's a bit of a revelation for me seeing him playing his two-faced vicious Hun of a smooth oil company CEO. Old favourite John C. McGinley also appears against type as one of Caine's nastier henchthugs.

Finally, there's Seagal's direction which takes his film on this ecological walk through the woods which makes it all seem a little like Oliver Stone after too many days trapped in a sweatlodge.

It's so ridiculous I actually found myself enjoying the whole thing quite a bit.

Continuing my plan to watch every Steven Seagal movie in order I come to

On Deadly Ground (1994)

Following on from Under Siege, Seagal was at the height of his popularity and had the pick of projects. He made a deal with Warner Bros, if they financed this movie, he would make a more commercial movie for them, namely Under Siege 2.

I actually didn't hate this movie. It's preachy, silly and more than a tad ridiculous, but it was a perfectly fine action flick. It's a bit of a love letter to Seagal's own ego, as everyone constantly talks about how great he is, it happened that often it became a joke with me and me son.

Michael Cain (with a bad dye job) is in full pantomime villain mode, John C McGinley is always great and Billy Bob Thornton has a small role too.

It actually felt considerably longer than it's 100 minute run time.

When Danish actor Sven-Ole Thorsen (frequent Arnold co star) met Seagal on the set, Seagal asked Thorsen to kick him, to show what Thorsen was capable of. Thorsen hesitantly kicked Seagal, who caught his leg and threw him to the ground. Seagal asked Thorsen to kick him again, giving it his best shot. Thorsen kicked Seagal as fast and hard as he could, and Seagal fell to the ground. When shooting a scene together a day later, Seagal hit Thorsen in the throat, leaving Thorsen unconscious for three or four seconds. Seagal decided that Thorsen's character had died, and his remaining scenes were cut from this movie.

Seagal filmed almost forty minutes of footage for the environmental message at the end of this movie, and planned to use it all in the final cut. After pressure from Warner Brothers, and a disastrous preview screening, he cut it to eleven minutes, after more pressure, Seagal are edited the final scene down to about seven minutes.

On Deadly Ground opened at number 1 at the domestic Box Office (his 6th in a row) and grossed $38 million (on a $50 million budget) to end 1994 as the 37th highest grossing movie of the year. This was the first time a Seagal movie did not recoup its budget at the domestic box office. It was also the first time a Van Damme movie (Timecop) outgrossed a Seagal one.

Steven Seagal is now an employee of Aegis Oil where he is some sort of hired muscle and a former member of the CIA (his exact job seems unclear). After stumbling upon a sinister plot from his boss (played by an angry Michael Caine), he is marked for death by his employer and nearly killed. But after being revived by a tribe of Eskimos (including Joan Chen, who is actually Chinese) he returns to fight the oil company and give long speeches about the environment.

The formula here is the same as "Hard to Kill" -- Seagal finds a powerful man doing evil, is left for dead, healed by some spiritual stuff and returns to fight with a new love interest. So if you're looking for something new from Seagal, you're looking in the wrong place. The only new thing here is his directing and increased monologues.

This film's strength is in its co-stars. Joan Chen ("Twin Peaks"), Michael Caine, John C. McGinley, Bart the Bear, R. Lee Ermey and Billy Bob Thornton. An incredible line-up. Unfortunately, as good as they all are (especially McGinley, as the feminine assassin) they are stuck in a poorly written film with re-hashed plot and action sequences that are old and revolve around characters who yell "ow, my balls" a lot. I also think the emphasis on the Eskimo spirits was too intense. I appreciate what Seagal was trying to do by promoting the native people and their culture, but it was boring and took away heavily from the flow of the film.

Of the Seagal films I've seen, this was by far the least enjoyable. I found it a bit of a challenge to finish. See "Hard to Kill" or "Under Siege" if you like some Seagal action... this one is a bit of a bland flavor. Only for Seagal completists.

Steven Seagal isn't exactly the poster child for peace and prosperity, so it's quite surprising that he was chosen for this film which preaches a sermon against pollution and so on and so forth; it justifies violence by saying, "Hey, but we're saving Mother Earth!" Sorry, Steven. It's not that black-and-white in the real world.

I admire that Seagal is trying to promote a "new image" with this film. Well actually no, I don't admire him, but at least he provided me with some laughs. This ranks right up there with some of Arnie, Stallone and Willis' most brutal films.

Please, stop with the pretentious, peaceful action movies. We pay to see your films for morally degrading butt-kicking and no-holds-barred fisticuffs. Not boring messages about saving the earth. Geez, Steven, if I wanted that, I'd go to church.

I tend to actively avoid Steven Seagal films like the plague, and realize intermittently that I do in fact enjoy certain ones from back in the day. He's made a ton of trash, no doubt, but the clouds part every now and again, for select occasions like Under Siege, The Glimmer Man, Above The Law, Fire Down Below and the snowbound On Deadly Ground. The main marvel in this one is an incredibly hammy Michael Caine as the mustache twirling villain, a Big Oil maniac who has his amoral sights set on sacred land belonging to Inuit tribesman. Seagal plays yet another martial arts trained badass who takes it upon himself to bring down Caine, his nefarious capitalist plans and the violent mercenaries he has hired to wipe the land of indigenous natives. It's as silly as silly can be, right down to him falling in love with a beautiful Inuit girl (Joan Chen, actually Chinese), but enjoyable on its own terms when you look at the solid choreography, stunts and impressive location work. Also, the roster of villains is too good to pass up, starting with Caine's outright, wanton psychopath. We're also treated to the Sergeant himself, R. Lee Ermey as a merc with a particularly salty attitude, John C. McGinley over-playing one of his patented schoolyard bullies, and even Billy Bob Thornton shows up, adding to the sleaze factor. Watch for cameos from Mike Starr, Michael Jai White and an unbilled Louise Fletcher as well. Seagal directed this himself, so it's essentially one big vanity piece where he gets to play Dances With Wolves for a couple hours, but the trick is to see the unintentional comedy in that and enjoy it. Seagal is one of those goofs who I am not a ashamed to say I am laughing at, not with. Caine is the real prize here, and his merry band of assholes. An action flick is only as good as it's antagonist, and this guy is bad to the bone in hilariously over the top ways. A big dumb flick, nothing more, nothing le- well maybe a little less in places, but fun in other spots nonetheless.