Horrortrip ins All

Joel and the robots could have a field day with this piece of tripe. Dick (21 Jump Street) Grieco has either put on weight or is wearing a padded shirt. None the less, Dick is supposed to be a tough military dude, yet he obviously has a few hours a day to pluck those dainty eyebrows of his. This movie takes place in a military base in a frozen wasteland (in many ways it resembles Grieco's acting career). An uppity punk discovers a secret society within the base and after watching the ritual, my eyes started to bleed. Please, if there is a god, destroy this film.

I watched this film to play along with the "How Did This Get Made" podcast. Sometimes, the movies they do have enough about them that they're entertaining - not this time though, as this was truly dire.

30 years after a cataclysmic event has left most of the world uninhabitable, Ryan Murphy (Mario Lopez) joins the elite soldier training programme, ran by the formidable Sergeant Bradley (Richard Grieco). Murphy has an ulterior motive though, as he's looking for Liles (Charles Mattocks) a friend of his who joined the programme a few months earlier. As Murphy conducts his investigation, he discovers that, even amongst these soldiers, there is an elite tier, trained by Bradley himself for a secretive objective that only Bradley truly knows.

I mean, your tolerance for this might depend upon how forgiving you are for the fact that its an extremely low budget enterprise. The sets look cheap, the special effects, both practical and digital are poor, stunts are limited and the standard of acting in general is bad. Lopez never was much of an actor and though his charm works at the start of the film, where everyone hates him and he just has to be smug and annoying, but when he has to care about things, later in the film then he starts to struggle. He's like Marlon Brando compared to Grieco though, who's maniacal Sergeant Bradley has a plot reason for being a little unusual, but his decision to scream "for the love of Pete" every two minutes is as baffling as it is annoying. Other characters do swear, and die, and have sex, so why he chooses that particular juvenile phrase is really annoying.

Confusingly, given that they're supposed to be on an isolated base in the Arctic - the soldiers smuggle a couple of girls into the base, one of whom is played by Jamie Pressley, who is the only real positive about the whole film. She's really quite young here, but the only one capable of delivering a decent line read, let alone portray any emotion and it's really not surprising that she would have the best career of anyone in this one. Even she though can't defeat the mind-numbingly terrible, strewn together storyline that this film has, where huge great plot points that the film takes time to establish, then are ignored by the film when they need something different to happen. Then the ending... what?

An awful time that I really don't recommend.

This film has got to be some attempt to get Mario Lopez back on the celebrity map. I don't think at this point he cares what kind of press he gets: he'll even settle to have a rumor that he's gay spread around to get him attention.

The Journey: Absolution begins with the destruction of life as we know it, compliments of a lame CGI meteor hitting a lame CGI model of Earth. Skip ahead a few decades, and Mario Lopez has recruited into a military installation in the Arctic to find his friend, who is male. Haha. Richard Grieco is the ruthless commandant who trains the recruits and periodically selects one the most elite of the troop to be a part of the Z-team.

Everything that can go wrong in a movie does here. Uninspired direction, cheap, flimsy sets, embarrassing sexist scenes, flat, dull performances, laughable dialogue, bargain-basement special effects, and cliches and plot holes in the script larger than the hole left by the meteor that hits Earth.

Richard Grieco's constant repetition of, "For the sake of Pete," brings to mind John Travolta's mindless repetition of "leverage" in another sci-fi turkey, Battlefield Earth. Mario Lopez shows us exactly why he starred in Saved By The Bell and not much more.

The only truly decent thing about this flick is all the hot men prancing around in nothing but underwear and black combat boots. Otherwise, this awful, awful attempt at sci-fi falls flat on it's homo-erotic face.

2 out of 10

Watched it on Rifftrax and I was crying the whole time 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

I usually start one of these with a brief plot summary. I think I'll skip that with The Journey: Absolution. Like the film's title, the plot is pretty much an indescribable, nonsensical mess. Something about a secret military training facility in the Arctic. Mario Lopez is sent in (I think) to investigate reports of a missing soldier. And then, out of the blue, the plot switches to full on sci-fi with aliens trying to come through an interstellar gate to take over Earth or something. Whatever! In reality, though, the movie's main purpose seems to be to show a bunch of hunky, good looking, sweaty guys in their underwear. It was more like watching a Calvin Klein commercial than a movie.

Beyond the ridiculous lack of a coherent plot, just about everything else is equally bad. My chief complaint is the acting. Mario Lopez is plain old horrible. His accent comes and goes and his delivery is beyond awkward. Richard Greico is so bad he's laughable. He over-acts every scene like his life depended on it. As for Jaime Pressly - she's in the movie (and that's the kindest thing I'll say about any of the acting). In short, The Journey Absolution is a complete disaster.

One last thing, I did get a chuckle out of the number of times Pressly's character was able to sneak into the top secret military base. That's some awesome security!

2/10