Timelock

Gonna chalk this up to good actors (Ayre Gross, Maryam D'Abo, Jeffrey Meek, Nicholas Worth, Martin Kove, etc) blackmailed to be in a student film. Wow.

A science fiction movie set on a penal colony planet. There the similarity with Alien 3 ends. Most of the bad guys act like gay porn stars, the ex bond Girl, Maryam d'Abo, naturally can't act. A slight saving Grace is Ayre Gross, a well known TV actor, who is the best thing in a bad movie.

This is the type of movie that you rented on VHS from your local store back in the day, consumed with junk food and a few beers, and then perhaps evaluate your life choices after the night is done. The point being, this is not a movie to take at all seriously. It's a camp throwaway affair, poorly conceived and put together. If you start to think at all while watching this, you'll be struck by how tragic a state the careers of Martin Kove and Maryam d'Abo must have been at the time. It's a step just above amateur, as in the very next step. Only really worth a watch if you have a passing interest in bad movies.

Let me try to sum up the "plot" of this movie as best I can: Maryam d'Abo (former Bond girl) reaches the end of her career here as Teegs, a spaceship captain in the year 2251, who is responsible for ferrying prisoners to the asteroid Alpha 4, a maximum security penal colony.

Among the prisoners in the cargo hold is Riley (played by Arye Gross, whom you might remember best from the sitcom Ellen), a "master" computer thief. We then have a brief flashback to Riley's crime, which involved him hacking into what is (I think) a bank's computer. The display on the computer, strangely enough, is a wavy three-dimensional grid that bears little relation to the financial transactions Riley is performing.

Next, the flashback cuts to Riley in bed in a hotel room, enjoying the (ahem) services of two voluptuous women. His eyes light up with glee when they start handcuffing him to the headboard. "I've got something to show you," one of the girls says. "Oh, show it to me!" Riley cries. "Showtime! Showtime at the Apollo!" (Apparently people will still be tuning in to Amateur Night 250 years from now).

As you might have guessed, what they show Riley are two guns and a badge. In the future, you see, law enforcement agencies will hire ex-Playboy Playmates to frolic with suspects in hotel rooms instead of just arresting them on the spot.

Having established Riley's crime and arrest, we return to the cargo hold of Teegs' ship. Riley overhears another prisoner talking about his record: "I've been to Alpha 1, 2, and 3, but this is my first trip to the Big House!" Apparently, in the future, there will be only four prisons in the entire universe.

Naturally, this panics Riley, who's just a lowly computer hacker, and presumably belongs in a minimum-security facility. "I'm supposed to be going to Alpha 1!" Riley screams. Teegs refuses to check on this, because, in her words, "I hate lists." Yeah, those pesky little things that tell you exactly which prisoners you're supposed to be delivering. I can't stand those either.

This plea earns Riley the nickname of "A1" among his fellow convicts. At this point, I have to mention that there's a blatant undercurrent of homoeroticism in this movie (even for a prison flick) especially coming from bad guy Villum, played by Jeffrey Meeks. The person who left the comment that Meeks' performance was "wonderful" must be related to the guy in some way. The word I would have chosen is "bizarre": His performance appears to be modeled on the character of Blanche DuBois in A Streetcar Named Desire (Meeks even fans himself at one point with a piece of paper).

Once they arrive at Alpha 4, we are witness to one of the lamest "prison breakouts" I've ever seen, which seems to consist solely of shooting two guards and disabling one computer. Now all the prisoners are running amuck, and so are Riley and Teegs, and they're all trying to get back to Teegs' ship to escape.

Naturally, Riley and Teegs fall in love, for no real reason other than It's In The Script (tm) (There's even a charming scene where they make out in a prison cell while handcuffed to a toilet). If you're unfortunate enough to see this movie, you will understand how dumbfounded I was by this attraction. Riley is an irritating jerk who can't go for more than two minutes without making some lame quip. (Sample: When Riley and Villum are facing down in a swordfight (and don't ask me why there were two swords lying around a prison colony), Riley says, "Hey, how come you get the good sword?") Between Villum's wierd Scarlet O'Hara accent and Riley's stupid patter I was rooting for both of them to die, slowly and painfully.

Of course, the real dilemma is that even if Riley and Teegs can make it back to the ship, the head honcho bad guy McMasters (sporting a Billy Ray Cyrus-style mullet) has unfortunately gotten his hands on the vital component that the ship can't function without: a 3 and 1/4 inch floppy disk. Yes, that's right; spaceships in the year 2251 require a boot disk.

One final note: why the heck is the movie called "Timelock"? It's got nothing to do with time, other than it takes place a long time from now, and even though it is in a prison, the plot's got nothing do with locks. I can only conclude they called it "Timelock" because watching it makes you feel like you've been locked away for an eternity.

On the one hand, the production design and art direction, props, minis, and any practical effects and stunts are welcome, and look decent if not great. On the other hand, any post-production special effects range from "okay" to "um, okay, sure." These, unfortunately, are just about the most substantial praise I can offer for this movie.

Maryam d'Abo can certainly claim some fame, and not undeservedly. She may be best known as "Bond Girl" Kara Milovy in 'The living daylights,' but between that and a couple other films I've seen her in, she's demonstrated finesse and nuanced acting skill that I earnestly admire. She is the star of this sci-fi film about violent prisoners taking over a penal colony in space, and let's be very honest, probably the primary reason anyone might have to watch it. I can't speak for the rest of the cast, but I know what d'Abo is capable of, and I trust her co-stars would similarly prove their worth if given the opportunity. 'Timelock' is not the title to grant such opportunity. Filmmaker Robert Munic forces his actors into astoundingly small corners, drawing from them a panoply of overacting worse than any that I can immediately recall in this moment. Everyone in front of the camera, at all times, is doing nothing but chewing scenery throughout these 96 minutes, and to witness it is simply aggravating.

Sadly, the same ethos applies to everything else about this feature, in every way that it can. Munic's direction and Steve Adcock's cinematography are at best uneven, at worst wildly overzealous; the manner in which some effects are employed is just as overbearing. Though doubtlessly just coloring within the lines provided for her, Amanda I. Kirpaul's editing sometimes chops up a scene in such a way as to diminish the impact it could have. Joseph John Barmettler and J. Reifel's screenplay is unexceptional but serviceable when it comes to the story at large, but is otherwise questionable. The dialogue is kind of awful, too much of the scene writing comes off as self-indulgent, and the characters are mostly just poorly written all around. Too much of the attempted humor or basic levity isn't nearly as clever as it thinks it is, and so is just overdone as a result - which makes the writing of the character Riley all the more regrettable, the smart aleck who always has some witty or sardonic quip to make. Oh, and by the way, star d'Abo has little time on-screen until the picture is already half-over, and even then is only second fiddle, to my chagrin.

It's a shame, really. The crew did good work. The cast try to make the most of what they're given, d'Abo and Arye Gross in particular, with Jeffrey Meek coming in second. There are genuinely some good ideas here, some real cleverness in the dialogue and scene writing that does actually earn a smile or even a laugh at a few points. The narrative is unremarkable and we've absolutely seen this movie before, but that's no inherent mark against it, and there are always fine possibilities for how it could be played out. Yet the screenplay is troubled more than not, sometimes outright dull in its boorishness, and it can't be overstated how flagrantly overcooked Munic's direction is. These two facets especially overwhelm or drain what value 'Timelock' may have to offer, ultimately making it a trying viewing experience more than a fun one. This film had potential, but made too little use of it while going overboard in other ways - including an ending, one final scene, that's just altogether unacceptable. True enough, there are far worse ways to spend one's time, but this is really only recommendable for those who are big fans of someone involved, and even then it's far lesser than what our best optimism could hope for. At its best 'Timelock' can only offer intermittent entertainment, so why bother at all when there are countless other titles to watch instead?