Timelock

Well, I went in to this film knowing full well it was no "Star wars" but this was extra cheesy. I love sci-fi movies and hoped this would at lest entertain me for a while. I was wrong. As for the sci-fi part, it was missing. First of all there was no time travail, time warping...nothing to do with time but wasting it. This was not even a B-movie. Saddly, the acting and FX were not so great ether. They stunk. It looks like they filmed it in an old wear house. I don't even remember if I made it to the end of this bomb. This had o be a tax right-off for someone. If you like bombs, or hate your self, then this for you, if not stay away...far away. Run if you have to.

This film is not merely watchable, it's genuinely entertaining. It has its flaws. It has many many flaws. It's like someone brought a bag of flaws into the cinema, opened it with too much gusto, and they went EVERYWHERE!

But, like stormtroopers, all of them miss and none of them matter. Despite the best efforts of those flaws, this film is not just watchable, but genuinely entertaining.

All of the actors can act. Not only that, but all of them can act with, at least, a modicum of screen presence; something you almost never see in post-milennial B-movies. Each one is a character acting and each scene is a character comedy vignette. They never quite manage to be laugh out loud funny; but, crucially, they are engaging, and they are able to create convincing chemistry between their characters. It's a solid six.

This is the type of movie that you rented on VHS from your local store back in the day, consumed with junk food and a few beers, and then perhaps evaluate your life choices after the night is done. The point being, this is not a movie to take at all seriously. It's a camp throwaway affair, poorly conceived and put together. If you start to think at all while watching this, you'll be struck by how tragic a state the careers of Martin Kove and Maryam d'Abo must have been at the time. It's a step just above amateur, as in the very next step. Only really worth a watch if you have a passing interest in bad movies.

A science fiction movie set on a penal colony planet. There the similarity with Alien 3 ends. Most of the bad guys act like gay porn stars, the ex bond Girl, Maryam d'Abo, naturally can't act. A slight saving Grace is Ayre Gross, a well known TV actor, who is the best thing in a bad movie.

Let me try to sum up the "plot" of this movie as best I can: Maryam d'Abo (former Bond girl) reaches the end of her career here as Teegs, a spaceship captain in the year 2251, who is responsible for ferrying prisoners to the asteroid Alpha 4, a maximum security penal colony.

Among the prisoners in the cargo hold is Riley (played by Arye Gross, whom you might remember best from the sitcom Ellen), a "master" computer thief. We then have a brief flashback to Riley's crime, which involved him hacking into what is (I think) a bank's computer. The display on the computer, strangely enough, is a wavy three-dimensional grid that bears little relation to the financial transactions Riley is performing.

Next, the flashback cuts to Riley in bed in a hotel room, enjoying the (ahem) services of two voluptuous women. His eyes light up with glee when they start handcuffing him to the headboard. "I've got something to show you," one of the girls says. "Oh, show it to me!" Riley cries. "Showtime! Showtime at the Apollo!" (Apparently people will still be tuning in to Amateur Night 250 years from now).

As you might have guessed, what they show Riley are two guns and a badge. In the future, you see, law enforcement agencies will hire ex-Playboy Playmates to frolic with suspects in hotel rooms instead of just arresting them on the spot.

Having established Riley's crime and arrest, we return to the cargo hold of Teegs' ship. Riley overhears another prisoner talking about his record: "I've been to Alpha 1, 2, and 3, but this is my first trip to the Big House!" Apparently, in the future, there will be only four prisons in the entire universe.

Naturally, this panics Riley, who's just a lowly computer hacker, and presumably belongs in a minimum-security facility. "I'm supposed to be going to Alpha 1!" Riley screams. Teegs refuses to check on this, because, in her words, "I hate lists." Yeah, those pesky little things that tell you exactly which prisoners you're supposed to be delivering. I can't stand those either.

This plea earns Riley the nickname of "A1" among his fellow convicts. At this point, I have to mention that there's a blatant undercurrent of homoeroticism in this movie (even for a prison flick) especially coming from bad guy Villum, played by Jeffrey Meeks. The person who left the comment that Meeks' performance was "wonderful" must be related to the guy in some way. The word I would have chosen is "bizarre": His performance appears to be modeled on the character of Blanche DuBois in A Streetcar Named Desire (Meeks even fans himself at one point with a piece of paper).

Once they arrive at Alpha 4, we are witness to one of the lamest "prison breakouts" I've ever seen, which seems to consist solely of shooting two guards and disabling one computer. Now all the prisoners are running amuck, and so are Riley and Teegs, and they're all trying to get back to Teegs' ship to escape.

Naturally, Riley and Teegs fall in love, for no real reason other than It's In The Script (tm) (There's even a charming scene where they make out in a prison cell while handcuffed to a toilet). If you're unfortunate enough to see this movie, you will understand how dumbfounded I was by this attraction. Riley is an irritating jerk who can't go for more than two minutes without making some lame quip. (Sample: When Riley and Villum are facing down in a swordfight (and don't ask me why there were two swords lying around a prison colony), Riley says, "Hey, how come you get the good sword?") Between Villum's wierd Scarlet O'Hara accent and Riley's stupid patter I was rooting for both of them to die, slowly and painfully.

Of course, the real dilemma is that even if Riley and Teegs can make it back to the ship, the head honcho bad guy McMasters (sporting a Billy Ray Cyrus-style mullet) has unfortunately gotten his hands on the vital component that the ship can't function without: a 3 and 1/4 inch floppy disk. Yes, that's right; spaceships in the year 2251 require a boot disk.

One final note: why the heck is the movie called "Timelock"? It's got nothing to do with time, other than it takes place a long time from now, and even though it is in a prison, the plot's got nothing do with locks. I can only conclude they called it "Timelock" because watching it makes you feel like you've been locked away for an eternity.