Bluthochzeit

I notice a number of fans have slated this episode of COLUMBO, describing as the worst of all time. I can't help but disagree with them. I've seen plenty of other episodes that were less entertaining on account of them being duller than this one. Cheesy and dated I can cope with; dull is the biggest no-no in my book.

NO TIME TO DIE is one of those 1990s TV movies that attempts to shake up the familiar order by offering twists and a new template for the dogged detective. I wish they hadn't experimented like this - there's no point trying to improve on what was pretty much a perfect formula - but at least it helps NO TIME TO DIE stand out from the crowd. There's no actual murder here but rather a kidnapping for the star to solve.

The episode has a number of problems, a completely ineffectual villain being the biggest of them. However, watching Columbo lead a task force is quite a novel experience, and Falk does well in the part, playing up the humour with physicality in a script that gives him virtually no funny lines. The strong supporting cast includes Doug Savant (TRICK OR TREAT), Donald Moffat (THE THING), and cameos for Juliet Mills and Don Swayze.

Hmmmm...this is a real curate's egg. If only this wasn't marketed as an episode of Columbo, then it would actually be a perfectly acceptable standalone kidnapping movie. The thing is, although "No Time To Die" features Lieutenant Columbo, it's not stylistically or structurally a "Columbo" show as such, and doesn't really deserve to be viewed as part of the series.

What it does do is reveal just how important the normal formula is to the success of the show. Although I have no issues with experimental variations on the basic formula, a Columbo without a murder is just not a Columbo. When you sit down to watch an episode of Columbo, you want the familiarity of the basic plot structure so that you can really get into the characters and how their lives have become enmeshed in the horrific aftermath of a sudden homicide.

"No Time To Die" just doesn't work in the same way. The whole format is so different from normal that if you're in the mood for a traditional Columbo, this is bound to leave you feeling short-changed and a bit cheated.

On the other hand though, if you're fully aware before viewing that "No Time To Die" is a kidnap movie rather than a murder mystery, then you'll probably find it quite a gripping story. And at the end of the day, Lt Columbo's presence will only add to your enjoyment.

I compare this to a musician's guest appearance on another artist's album, as opposed to their own release. It's like Lieutenant Columbo is making a guest appearance on a totally separate movie, rather than being the star of his own.

Loyalty to Peter Falk is all that kept me from giving this awful picture the (1) it deserved. (For that matter, loyalty to Mr. Falk was what kept me watching this film all the way from heads to tails.) Even if you forgive all the glaring errors, this was just plain the poorest excuse for a made-for-TV "Columbo" film ever. I'm glad I watched it on TV for free; would have hated to have coughed up the bucks for a print.

A redone and tired plot variation that doesn't really fit into what many would consider a Colombo mystery. I give it three stars only for the inclusion of some fine actors/actresses. If not for them, this would rate one star at the most. Check out the Simon and Simon episode "Sometimes Dreams Come True" from 1982 for a similar, but superior, make.

Columbo is attending the wedding of his nephew to a budding young model. After the celebrations Columbo is about to head home until he gets paged by nephew Andy who tells him that he came out of the shower to find Melissa missing. Columbo looks around and finds evidence of a kidnapping. He starts investigating further while Andy calls in other officers to help out. Meanwhile, as tensions built between the men, Melissa wakes up bound and gagged in a strange room with her captor planning to make himself her second husband.

If you loved spaghetti bolognese and someone told you that that they were going to make it with potatoes instead of spaghetti then you may rightly say "whoa, slow down chef boy – don't mess with a winning formula". So as a Columbo fan, when one of the films goes way off the usual formula, it gives me pause to worry that perhaps it is not the wisest thing. However, despite knowing this was not a normal episode, I decided to give it a go because just because something is different doesn't mean it isn't any good. The fact that it is different is a problem though – too many characters, no cat and mouse stuff and none of the opportunities for Columbo to be, well, Columbo. It doesn't help either that the story is poor – it is not clever but rather solved by simple, plodding police work; nothing wrong with that but it doesn't make for an interesting film. The cuts to the kidnapped Melissa are no help at all as they rarely have anything approaching tension. I hate to say it but I was genuinely bored by the end of it – it rarely had anything typically Columbo about it and it failed to be what it apparently was aiming to be.

Falk does his best to lift this thing but without any frame of reference his character is a bit lost and his performance isn't up to much. The vast array of supporting characters undermine him and reduce his screen time significantly. Calabro is OK but nothing special while Going is a strange mix – she does "frightened and a bit spooked" quite well but other than that is as expressive as a blank piece of paper. The support features a surprising amount of familiar, if not famous, faces. Don Swayze is a strange find but his one-note psycho with a singsong voice gets old very quickly. The rest are bland but does include Frasier's Bulldog (Butler), Clear Present Danger's President (Moffat), Red For Red October's Davis, baseball player Pierce and the A-Team's LeGault – shame none of them add anything other than a distraction to the dull story.

Overall one of the weakest Columbo films I've seen. It goes miles from formula but offers nothing else of interest in its place. I understand the difficulty for writers to reproduce the same formula every time while also making it fresh and entertaining so I can understand why they tried to do something else. However I cannot fathom why they wanted to jump so far away from it and try to be something completely different. Only one moment really worked for me and that was at the very end when Columbo asked "what time is it", only for the time to be typed on screen as it had been all film – at least it showed that someone was keen to have a laugh and poke some fun at the rather turgid, humourless affair that had gone before.