The Roller Blade Seven

About 15 minutes into 'The Roller Blade Seven' I nearly gave up, but decided (masochist that I am!) to go all the way, baby! Because this is one movie you just gotta see ONCE, if only as a yardstick of sheer crapness.

This is without doubt one of the worst movies I've ever seen in my life. Now maybe you're thinking "goodie! I'm in for some 1990s version of 'Plan Nine From Outer Space', or 'The Incredibly Strange Creatures...' hilarious laugh-a-minute good times". NO!! When I say BAD I mean beyond entertainment. This movie is so awful in every way imaginable, and absolutely torturous to sit through, that you won't be able to think of ANY reason to continue watching it until the end.

The only movies off the top of my head that even come close to it are the unspeakably bad British vampire movie 'Razor Blade Smile', and the Godawful noir parody(??) 'Art Deco Detective'. At least the former had some unintentional laughs, and the latter featured a handful of funny lines from b-grade legend Brion James. 'The Roller Blade Seven' has no redeeming features whatsoever. What all three movies also share is that they were shot straight on video, making them all aesthetically unpleasant experiences. As well as cheaper than a pub crawl.

The guy responsible for this gem is Donald G. Jackson who is also the brains behind the moderately amusing 'Frogtown' movies, which I have seen, and works such as 'Mimes: Silent But Deadly' and 'Lingerie Kickboxer', which I haven't. He produces/directs and also co-writes with the movie's star Scott Shaw. Yeah I don't know him either but apparently he's some kinda martial arts expert and has appeared in movies with titles like 'Samurai Vampire Bikers From Hell' and 'Samurai Johnny Frankenstein', so you know he's class all the way. The Supporting cast includes Frank Stallone (Sly's brother) and Joe Estevez (Martin Sheen's brother and star of 'Motorcycle Cheerleading Mommas') (read that title again!!) , and somehow, cos I can't believe it myself, bona fide cult legends William Smith, Don Stroud and Karen Black. If you are a fan of any of those three all I can say is best stay away...

The "plot" concerns a Hawk (Shaw), a futuristic Ninja dude, who has to rescue his sister from evil baddies led by the crippled Pharoah (Smith), who is some kinda cult leader who invented a popular skateboard or something. Hawk meets up with all kinda weirdos, both good and bad, most of whom dress funny and use roller blades, and one of which continually plays the banjo. I say good and bad, because I honestly couldn't tell most of the time who was who, or what side they were on. Especially that banjo fella. And I suppose there was seven of them, but I wasn't counting, and who really cares? One of the roller bladers was Don Stroud but I never worked out which one, and eventually forgot he was even supposed to be in it. By the credits I didn't even care any more, and that says a lot because I LOVE Don Stroud and he was the main reason I watched this crap in the first place!

The plot, or lack of it, is only the half of it. Jackson directs like he has both eyes shut, and the editing was done (I believe) by someone with one hand tied behind their back, who insists on showing us every "action" sequence three or four times consecutively, for no apparent reason. There's about twenty minutes of (bad) dialogue spread throughout the ninety minutes of the movie, and the soundtrack, which includes everything from "moody" electronics to "smokin'" rawk to the banjo fellas limited repertoire of licks, is probably even worse.

The only thing that will amaze you after sitting through this offal is the fact that there was not only a sequel, but TWO!! Whether they are better than this or could even conceivably be WORSE I'll leave up to you because frankly, I value my sanity, and one 'Roller Blade Seven' flick is my absolute limit!

This film is, far and wide and beyond any shadow of a doubt, the single worst and most contemptible film in the history of the universe.

It really *is* that bad.

Personally I have always enjoyed the guilty pleasure of a terrible film, and rented this one thinking it would be one of those. To my immense disappointment, it was not.

The script is delivered in a way that sounds as if they're reading the lines directly off placards, the story makes absolutely no sense whatsoever, and the actual film looks like it was shot on a home video camera. I couldn't even finish watching it. It is even worse than "Witch Academy", and that's quite a feat in itself.

I cannot even begin to fathom how a director could shoot this film, and then still have the sense to believe it was decent enough to release.

Painful, awful, horrendous.

okay, let's cut to the chase - there's no way i can give this anything other then 1 out of 10; and yet you have to see it! The acting is bad, but is nothing like as bad as the script, which itself pales before the production values. Cardboard axes? yup, we've got then. Car floor mats painted silver and used as armour? here it is!

The film itself pretends to be artistic, but is just cheap; the same shots are used repeatedly - especially in the drawn out fight scenes; there is (thankfully!) very little dialogue, and there is much 'artistic' music to ram home the horror!

And yet all this awfulness is compelling - you have to watch it through just so that you can say you've seen it. I've not even got onto the barren sets, the 'plot', or the risible special effects; this really is the 'how not to do it' school of filmmaking. This must be viewed - spread the word, and let the world all join together in puzzling over what on earth is happening at the end

The best thing, though, is that they made a sequel.

Much to the annoyance of past housemates, I enjoy watching B-grade films as well as the more commercial ones. So when a friend said he'd lend me his copy of "The Roller Blade Seven" and said how bad it was, I assumed he just didn't understand how good and bad B-grade film could be. To add to this, he bet me I couldn't watch the movie from start to finish, and that no one had been able to do it. Challenge accepted!

Challenge failed! This movie is simply unwatchable. Having read a few of the other reviews of this movie, I know how they're trying to get the message across of just how abysmal this movie is. I don't think it can be done. One reviewer compared it to "Razor Blade Smile". This is also a bad movie, but an Oscar winner in comparison to the Roller Blade 7. No amount of panning or explanations can possibly get the message across of what this movie is actually like.

This movie isn't just bad, it makes you angry. The copy that I watched is lucky to still be in one piece as an angry viewer was stopped mid stomp as he attempted to destroy the video so that no one else would ever have to be subjected to it again.

If the chance comes around to see this movie, you should take it. It will make you appreciate every other movie you've ever watched so much more.

To the people who made this movie, this simple question needs to be asked. Why? If you have some spare time and money, please don't use it to make films like this. It's paramount to mental abuse.

The Roller Blade Seven is a bizarre creature, it's a truly terrible film with awful production values yet features a host of famous names.

Set in a post apocalyptic world much alike the Mad Max (1979) universe, except there are ninjas, religion and everyone wears roller blades for some reason.

With audio that often sounds like it was recorded through a sponge, the same segments repeated, fight scenes that make Jerry Springers look like it's well choreographed and a story that makes no sense at all.

It's one of those films that has to be seen to be believed yet you don't want to put anyone through a film quite this terrible.

I award it 2 not 1 purely on the basis of novelty value but make no mistake it's the absolute pits.

The Good:

Nope!

The Bad:

Laughable soundtrack that doesn't even remotely fit the content

Awful audio quality

Embarrassing fight scenes

Cringe inducing camera work

Scenes repeated several times

We really don't need to know each actors name as they appear on screen

Things I Learnt From This Movie:

It is a reverends job to distribute samurai swords and see that people skate the path of righteousness

Even in a post apocalyptic world religious garments look ridiculous

Our hero is so anti-mainstream expectations that in a Jacuzzi with your standard bikini glad girls he keeps his clothes on and kisses them like you'd kiss your mother

Wearing shades during the night STILL makes you look like a douche

Joe Estevez is the lesser known brother for a reason

Frank Stallone is the lesser brother for a reason as well

So roller skate ninjas are a thing

Being hacked to pieces with axes will result in no wounds and no blood