Girls, Games and Guns

Dona Speir and Roberta Vasquez once again essay the roles of sexpot government agents Donna and Nicole, who are targeted by crime kingpin "Kane" (Pat "Mr. Miyagi" Morita). He's sick and tired of them ruining his business ventures, so he forces them to participate in "games". He will sic supposedly expert assassins on them again and again. Fortunately, the girls have allies such as Erik "Ponch" Estrada on their side, as well as a cool gadget or two.

Andy Sidaris certainly never set out to make "high art". That said, there is something comfortable about the rigid formulas of his destined-for-cable-TV adventures. They're like comfort food, or a well-loved old pair of shoes. You know what you're getting: gorgeous, bosomy babes, equally gorgeous scenery (this was filmed on locales such as Hawaii, Las Vegas, and Louisiana), various action scenes and stunts, copious amounts of sex and nudity, and those aforementioned gadgets.

"Do or Die" is pretty much a solid example of what Sidaris did so well, with name stars like Morita and Estrada playing their roles adequately, and the physical assets of ladies like Speir, Vasquez, Cynthia Brimhall (who also belts out a catchy country & western ditty), Pandora Peaks, and Carolyn Liu placed front and centre. (You'll see how Ms. Peaks got her stage name.) There's even time for a fair amount of disarming humor, to show that Sidaris never did take any of these movies all that seriously. To that end, Richard Cansino and Chu Chu Malave play one of the teams of inept would-be assassins; they pretend to be Cajun chefs as their cover. The final team is a useless pair of ninjas played by James Lew and Eric Chen.

Lots of dumb bad guys - and good guys who always end up miraculously untouched - add to a "good" dumb fun movie for people looking for sex appeal and cheese.

Six out of 10.

It amazes me how far some stars fall. In this case, I mean Pat Morita and Erik Estrada. The "plot" involves two gorgeous, big-chested CIA agents being chased by six pairs of assassins sent by an Asian crime boss (Pat Morita). Seeing the guy from "Karate Kid" with thinning grey hair, sitting on the back of a gorgeous (and naked) Asian bombshell is enough to give one unpleasant thoughts.

Along the way, the gorgeous CIA duo pick up six fellow agents, who conveniently ultimately make up four boy/girl duos. Seeing how much sex they have, it's a wonder they don't get assassinated. One scene has the gang hiding away at a secret house on a lake and no one's supposed to know they are there. Estrada is on duty while the women sit in bikinis in a hot tub. Among the agents in bikinis is massive-chested porn star Pandora Peaks. Two assassins roar up on dirt bikes, ride out onto a dock within sight of the hot tub and pretend to be fishing. Estrada ignores them until one of the assassins shoots a flower pot instead of his target (presumably he is distracted since the sight of his scope is always focused on the women's breasts).

The good guys pretend to know what they're doing. They wear disguises, fly all sorts of planes, have shootouts and car chases, but it's just window dressing to showcase their best "assets." The scene in the trailer where a female assassin in a thong slowly shimmies into a pair of tight leather pants bears this out.

Also, beware the ending. It plays out like the producers expected to turn the film into a television series, which probably would have done more harm to Morita's career than "The Next Karate Kid."

If you want T & A, check out "Do Or Die." If you want serious action, try "Live And Let Die" or "March or Die."

My review was written in June 1991 after watching the film at a Times Square screening room.

Pat Morita switches to a heavy role with excellent results in "Do or Die". Sixth entry in the "Malibu Express" series of campy actioners is a potent picture to titlllate home video and pay-cable audiences.

Due to a tough marketplace for smaller indies, this feature is getting only minimal theatrical exposure in Nahsville ahead of RCA/Columbia's video release. It's a shame since voyeuristic action audiences would get a kick out of "Do or Die' on the big screen.

Writer-director Andy Sidaris has a streamlined plot line this time, inspired by "The Most Dangerous Game". The pair of beautiful CIA underover operatives in Hawaii, Dona Speir and Roberta Vasquez, are informed by international gangster Pat Morita that he has assigned six two-man death squads to hunt them down in fair combat. It's a trial run for his plan for world domination.

Aided by a crack team organized by their boss William Bumiller, the Molokai-based duo trek to Nevada, Louisiana and Texas with the mercenary assassins in hot pursuit. It's not surprising to fans of this pic series that the macha femmes handily dispose of the villains, even in hand-to-hand combat during a climactic ninja battle. Morita's underplaying, aided by moody lighting by Mark Morris, lends panache to his scheming role and the "Karate Kid" star also has fuin in several scenes dallying romanticlally with his statuesque Asian-American assistant Carolyn Liu. Erik Estrada, the villain of the previous entry "Guins", is back in a new role as a good guy this time.

Full complement of movie veterans from this series is augmented by several impressive newcomers: notably Atlanta's extremely bosomy dancer Stephanie Schick who has a memorable, nearly NC-17 sex scene under a watefall with handsome series regular Michael Shaen; and Ava Cadell as a smug villainess quickly dispatched by Speir and Vasquez.

Sidaris changes the action series' balance by finding time for numerous sex and/or nud scenes no matter how perilous the situation. For action fans, excellent location work in atmospheric locales delivers the goods with motorcycle, speedboat and dune buggy chases. One highlight is a quarter-scale model airplane show in the Nevada desert to set the stage for model gimmickry a la James Bond flicks.

Tech credits are above average, giving this well-produced (by the director's wife, Arlene Sidris) picture a look and scale well beyond its modest budget.

The sixth in Andy Sidaris' series of Playboy Playmate/CIA agent extravaganzas is probably one of the most entertaining, although the story actually makes more sense than usual -- which robs it of some of its camp value. (Part of the fun of Andy's movies is trying to make sense of his unnecessarily convoluted plots, which he gleefully admits to cranking out in longhand on legal pads in "about four days.") Asian crime boss Pat Morita (so that's what happened to Arnold after he left "Happy Days"!) puts out a hit on CIA bikini-stuffers Dona Spier and Roberta Vasquez, which basically sets in motion Sidaris' take on "The Most Dangerous Game," except we've got Erik Estrada and lots of nudity thrown into the mix. It's all utterly silly, but so funny and do with so much zest that you can't help but get a big kick out of it. In many ways, it's actually better than the James Bond films of the same period (ugh! Timothy Dalton!). "Do or Die" makes its DVD debut on March 25, 2003.

I've seen most of writer/director Andy Sidaris' movies. "Do or Die" is not the pick of the litter. The girls are dreamy, of course, but the movie seems to drag a little. It still delivers the cheap thrills I expect but for some reason this movie seems to be a little longer than its actual running time. It's not a deal breaker. It's just not my favorite.