Enemy Gold: Amazonen rechnen ab

You know, it takes a big man to do a good job at a hard task. But it takes an even bigger man to admit he what he cannot do, and then strive to do what he does best. That is Andy Sidaris in a nutshell. True, while he'll never be the next Steven Speilberg, he is truly a master at the task which is presented to him: B-movies. I have only seen three of his films and can tell this already. Enemy Gold is one of them. This film is a slap in the face to those who say that the exploitation of Sex, violence, and rock-&-roll are wrong, and then rubs the slap down with a little ice. What I'm trying to say is, that this movie, while not entirely wholesome, is still a good movie, no matter how you slice it. The enormous juggs are just a way of keeping peoples attention.

This film essentially begins during the American Civil War with a couple of Confederate soldiers stealing some gold that was being transported by the Union Army. One of them is wounded and dies trying to escape enemy patrols while the other is killed by Indians somewhere in East Texas. Before he dies, however, he manages to write about the stolen gold in his journal and subsequently buries it as well. The scene then shifts to the present day with two federal agents named "Chris Cannon" (Bruce Penhall) and "Mark Austin" (Mark Barriere) planning to conduct a raid on a Bolivian drug lord by the name of "Santiago" (Rodrigo Obregon). Just prior to that, they are joined by a female agent named "Becky Midnight" (Suzi Simpson) who has only recently graduated from training. In spite of that, she performs her duties quite well and the drug raid is a tremendous success. What none of them realize, however, is that Santiago has certain resources at his disposal and he is not somebody who can tolerate any interference in his illegal business enterprises. Now, rather than reveal any more, I will just say that this film had a certain amount of potential but it was undermined to a great degree by a poor script and extremely weak acting. Admittedly, these weaknesses were mitigated somewhat by having three attractive actresses like Tanquil Lisa Collins (as "Ava Noble") along with the aforementioned Suzi Simpson and Julie Strain to enhance the scenery. But even then, it just wasn't quite enough and I have rated this movie accordingly. Slightly below average.

Another cheap and silly thriller from the Andy Sidaris stable, this one actually made by his son. Julie Strain, the pneumatic scream queen of the 1990s, co-stars. The story is about the usual wooden good guy agents battling criminals and at the same time uncovering a cache of civil war gold, leading to more action. The only emphasis is on pin up models wearing very little, and it's all rather silly, although fairly well shot for its budget.

This movie is in a league of its own. Caught this on Beer Goggle Vision on Spike TV at 2am, and it reaches the final frontier of B rated (C rated) movies.

The conversion between the producers of the movie must have went something like this.

Exec 1: "Hey, so we got these two playboy chicks, maybe we should make a movie with them"

Exec 2: "Ok, but we will need a plausible story line that will work with their gigantic breasts, and lack of acting ability"

Exec 1: "True, I've got just the thing. Let's stick in Bruce Penhall and Mark Berrier into the movie. Next to them Suzi Simpson will look like Elizabeth Taylor."

Exec 2: "Fantastic, but whats the plot"

Exec 1: "Lets go with the usual. Special agents fighting a drug lord. They find some diary, and look for gold"

Exec 2: "Brilliant!"

Exec 1: "We can call it Enemy Gold"

Exec 2: "I like it! Also, we can get the one of the A Team directors to helm the film"

Exec 1: "Okay, lets start shooting tomorrow. I want this in theatres next month"

So yeh, that sums it up. If you need a good laugh, grab some smokes, some beer and some friends and you got the night made.

"Enemy Gold" marks a turning point in Andy Sidaris' filmography: his son Christian is sitting in the director's chair, and Dona Speir, Roberta Vasquez and Cynthia Brimhall are gone. The female lead this time is Suzi Simpson, and she is quite a find (I wonder why Sidaris didn't use her again): she has a great body (no matter what angle you look at it from), combined with a sweet, innocent face and a cute smile; she is appealing in the same way that Hope Marie Carlton was, plus she fights a bit more than other Sidaris heroines. Tai Collins, as a higher-in-command agent, is another total knockout, and Julie Strain, as an assassin-for-hire, is like a mythological Amazon come to life. Looking at this woman is much better than listening to her - her delivery turns her character into camp. The pacing of the movie lags in the second half, and when it's all over you have the feeling (as with other Sidaris movies) that it could have been much better. But what is there on the screen is still enjoyable - some of the lines are funny and all of the women are sexy. (**1/2)