Killing Yakuza

I wanted to like this movie, Robert Davi as a bad biker, john savage as a weirdo cajun killer, ninjas, drugs and nudity. Should be b-movie gold right?

Wrong. Zero plot, terrible action and one of the worst soundtracks ever. (A chinese flute plays constantly when our ninjas are in a scene).

Here is the story: Two ninjas avenge the death of a sister by drug dealers in New Orleans. Robert Davi and a very bored Michael Pare investigate but actually do very little. Then John Savage and another guy kill some cops.

Davi and Pare meet up with the ninjas and team up. Lots of dialogue someone thought would be very cool sounding but they had no idea how to make a coherent conversation with it. OJ Simpsons ex girlfriend is a side love interest for Robert just to have a sexy lady in the cast. Also a bum named Flea rides around in the baddies trunk for hours to keep tabs on them.

After an exciting beginning of a girl buried in concrete then Davi has a shootout in a cemetery, things get boring quick.

Three stars simply for the cast. The only way this should be watched is as a highlight reel of cheesiest moments.

Sliced and diced...just like Nicole Simpson. Makes me wonder.

Is this movie any good? Well, if you read the cast list and the plot then you should realize that no, this movie isn't any good. If for some reason you're still wondering what makes this a bad movie then let me try to be a little clearer:

*Paula Barbieri is part of the cast. *Michael Paré plays a character named "Random." *This movie contains both brother and sister ninja warriors AND Cajun warriors.

Who thought it was a good idea for Paula Barbieri to give acting a try? I just don't understand why Paula (whose character name was also Paula, that probably made life easier on her) couldn't deliver a single line fluently. "What ... are ... you ... doing?" JUST ACT LIKE YOU'RE HAVING A REAL LIFE CONVERSATION! Is it that hard? It can't be. Goodness. I almost stopped the tape when she said something to Robert Davi about "the ... world ... is ... our ... oyster."

Speaking of Robert Davi, what in the wide world of sports is he doing in this movie? Did he have some major gambling debts to pay off or something? I guess he's actually decent as the biker warrior, but there's no way you'll care. Joel Grey has an inexplicable role as some homeless guy who rides around in the trunk of the ninjas' car and feeds information to Davi and Paré through the use of his cell phone. Don't ask me because I have no explanation. It made about as much sense as the rest of this stinkfest. Most the rest of the cast consisted of people who have appeared in at least one episode of Walker, Texas Ranger.

I know I shouldn't be surprised, but the movie made no sense! And I sure don't feel like trying to make sense of it. There were lots of senseless explosions and mindless action that can't be described as either very explosive or action-packed. And I know I don't have to say this, but the end was just stupid. It had something to do with Davi and Paré finally understanding the ways of the Samurai and... OH I JUST DON'T CARE ANYMORE!

Stephanie and I did a lot of searching, but we finally found a Hollywood Video that had this movie in stock. Things got off to an excellent start when I took the movie out of the case and it looked like a store-bought video. It had a sticker on it with a hand-written label that said something about the video being replaced. It wasn't rewound all the way either. We joked that that was probably as far in the movie as the last people got and they just stopped the tape and hurried up and took it back. We figured they decided paying the rewind fee would be worth it. When I tried to rewind it, it wouldn't work. Something more supernatural was at work.

Turns out that the tape had been cut or torn and someone tried to put it back together with scotch tape. Against our better judgment we fooled around with it until we were able to rewind it and watch the movie. God was sending us a message. We should've listened. Once the movie was over I realized that somebody was obviously trying to cut out portions of the movie to try to piece together some sort of plot. Nice try, but it didn't work.

THE GIST:

If you're watching this movie with about four other people, then you might be able to get a few laughs out of it, but there are so many other *bad* movies out there that are more entertaining. I certainly can't recommend that you go out of your way to find this movie and spend your hard-earned money on it, but if you ever do watch it, and a couple of weeks later somebody asks you what it was about, then your response may go something like this:

"Um, it had lots of violence, Paula Barbieri in a mini-skirt and high heels, and uh, hmm, ninja warriors, and ... oh, I don't know. I'm still trying to figure out if there's a way to get those 96 minutes of my life back."

I first saw this film when it came out in 1994. I was struck by the characters and the way the movie played out. I have been a fan of (I hate to call them this)"chop sake movies" but this brought back the reason I love movies of this genre. I agree the plot was predictable and the acting stiff, but overall I am fascinated by the way the film was shot. The actors have gone on to better parts but this one sticks in my mind, more than any movie of someone like Bruce Lee, or Mark Dacascos. I loved this film.

B-movie stars Michael Pare and Robert Davi headline a subpar flick that checks all the cliche boxes ninjas included. The issue is how shabby the whole thing looks, feels. Story isn't anything new - Japanese infused flicks were popular in the early 90's - and it's certainly not fun. The action is low level and even by dtv standards not done very well.

A Japanese lady is caught taking pictures of crime boss Tito (Juan Fernandez) in New Orleans and killed. Her brother (Cary-Hiroyuki Tagawa) & sister go about slicing up the low life involved which leaves cop Random (Pare) with dead bodies, a lack of answers and in need of help. Enter Japanese specialist Davalos (Davi) who comes back to town and is forced to work alongside as Tito hires killer Emile (John Savage) to take out everyone bothering him.

Both action openings that establish Pare, Davi are super poor. Ditto any piece after and the ending is a joke. Elliot Gould shows up for one scene to make his next Lexus payment. Paula Barbieri plays an ex girlfriend in a piece of stunt casting and doesn't lead where you want it to. Though Pare gets it on with a blonde and stops include a strip club, porn set.

'The Dangerous' is a poor dtv flick justifiably left in the past. Working on a low budget there isn't a lot of skill involved and the story is a bore. I like Pare, I especially like Davi and no denying Cary-Hiroyuki Tagawa has popped up in a lot of fun titles as well. However this was one of the worst things I've grabbed off a video store shelf and ultimately how it'll be remembered.