Contamination .7

I'm prompted to write this review because my cable company is promoting this... feature film... as a PAY PER VIEW. I kid you not.

Let me open by saying that it's not the worst film I've even seen. That honour goes to US Seals. It's not even the worst horror; there's a dubbed Swedish monstrosity involving terrified cats being thrown at bored actors that just (JUST) edges out Crawlers.

Let's count our blessings though. The production company that "funded" this movie is an Italian outfit that thankfully hasn't managed to branch out beyond the likes of "Troll 2" and "Quest For The Mighty Sword (aka Ator III: The Hobgoblin)". And both of the writers had never written anything before - and haven't written anything since. Let's be thankful for that.

The future of bad movies seemed grim and uncertain during the mass-destruction of the American drive-ins...but with dreck like THE CRAWLERS continuing to pop up, there may be hope for the future of schlock after all.

About the film...it involves a small town being threatened by creeping carnivorous tree roots(rubber garden hoses, in all honesty). Take this hopeless premise to further lows by putting it in unsteady hands of monolithic movie-making incompetence. Now, provide a cast of featureless thesps, and give the dire results of these efforts a misleading re-title which implies that it's a follow-up to something which in no possible way could have generated enough enthusiasm to merit such an endeavor. PRESTO! there you have it. Instant bad-movie gold.

I own a copy, and you should, too. 3.5/10

Let's face it, the only reason anybody knows about this movie is that it was st one point known as "Troll III" in an attempt to cash in on the infamous "Troll II". Problem was like Troll II it had nothing to do with the original movie or had anything to do with trolls, goblins or a town called Nilbog.

No instead here we're dealing with radioactive trees that were created using toxic waste. And yes, that is as stupid as it sounds. It's not even an enjoyably bad movie. It's dull, boring and totally not worth your time. I actually got this on one of those multiple DVD sets where they put 4 movies onto the same disc, or two discs in this case, and because you want to see one of them you wind up seeing all four just to see how bad they are. And trust me. They're bad.

So yeah there is no reason to see this movie even out of morbid fascination. It's just not worth it.

I don't know what to make of the title "Contamination .7" or "Troll 3." I saw this on video as "The Crawlers." There is nuclear contamination in the movie, but the figure ".7" and what it might mean was not mentioned (that I caught), and there are no trolls in the movie, but I haven't seen Troll or Troll 2, so I can't comment on what it might have in common with them.

The best thing about this was the cover of the video box. It has a pretty good illustration. Actually, the DeSoto was pretty nice too.

The movie starts dividing our attention between two young women on a bus. One gets stranded at a small gas station, while the other is returning to her small town home after having left it and her fiancé when she was in high school. For some time we keep cutting between the two of them, which is awkward.

Most of the acting was pretty poor, unfortunately. The Sheriff and his deputy, the nuclear plant's executives, goons, and whistleblower were are particularly bad. The threat in the movie is roots which have been contaminated by radioactive waste. They're now extremely long and carnivorous. What isn't clear is if they are just roots crawling around like worms, unconnected to anything, or if they are the roots of some tree or trees that are likewise mutated. We never see.

At one point, the townspeople show up to fight the roots. How that came to happen is not explained. Inexplicably, their solution is to find the barrels of nuclear waste that had been dumped in the forest and dig them up and put them in their trucks. They start to do this without any protective suits! Another solution is to bury the barrels under even more dirt, which doesn't make much sense either. Why the roots would stop attacking, or why they would die, when the barrels are carted away or further buried is entirely unclear.

The ending is particularly bad. It involves two horror clichés: the end that is not an end, and the freeze-frame.

They say lightening doesn't strike twice but check out Crawlers. This film is produced by the people who brought you that masterpiece known as Troll 2. Honestly this film doesn't match the pure genius of Troll 2 but it sure comes close. First, check out the Alaskan setting. Everyone knows that Alaska is beautiful and scenic but who knew it was so freaking hot! That Alaskan summer will kill you. At least five characters complain about the ungodly Alaskan heat. Second, the boss at the nuclear power plant might be the greatest actor I've ever seen on film. His tone of voice never changes. Its an amazing feat of line reading and I do mean line reading. This man deserved an award for this performance. No one can be that horrible. I believe its a commentary on the robotic nature of our everyday lives. This man deserves our respect. Third, look out for those flying roots. Tremendous special effects work permeates this film. Check out that helicopter crash. Was that a fisher price model? I do believe it was. And how about the tonka truck bulldozer. I guess they only had enough money to rent the real deal for a very brief time. All in all this film isn't quite as good as Troll 2 but it come pretty close. Watch and learn about the true art of filmmaking.