Fire Game

My review was written in May 1987 after a Cannes Film Festival Market screening.

"Feel the Heat" is an unabashed action showcase for oriental actress Tiana Alexandra, wife of film's scripter Stirling Silliphant. Previously seen in TWE's exercise video the "Karatix", Alexandra is a real looker, solid martial arts practitioner and the only reason to sit through this weak programmer.

With apologies to Whoopi, Alexadra stars as Checkers Goldberg, a government narcotics agent working for David Dukes, who is sent undercover to Buenos Aires to infiltrate Rod Steiger's drug ring. She poses in outrageous Suzie Wong slit dresses as a bubble-headed dancer, immediately turns Steiger on and stumbles upon the secret of the smuggling operation. It turns out (believe it or not) that Steige4r has $500,000 of heroin surgically implanted in his dancers' breasts unbeknownst to them, and sends them to America where silicone is substituted for the smack. Alexandra dutifully goes along with the gag in hopes that boss Dukes will arrive in the nick of time before her cover is blown, i.e., before Steiger and his doctor discover she already has a massive chest hidden under those tight-fitting gowns.

This nonsense is just an excuse for all-purpose chase scenes and shootouts, plus Alexandra kicking into submission various thugs, even felling the massive former wrestler Professor Toru Tanaka. She's alluring and sports a perky personality, but hubby Silliphant's klutzy script sinks the outing. It's hard to believe the writer of "Narcissus on a Red Fire Engine" for tv's "Route 66" seri4es and a horde of other interesting shows and pics penned the dumb puns and vulgarities here.

Dukes, Steiger and the supporting cast have little to do.

Tiana Alexandra plays kung-fu copper Checkers Goldberg. Yes, this is not a typo. Checkers freaking Goldberg. Despite being 100% Vietnamese she is given this goofy name (What, Shamus O'Reilly was too unbelievable?) and even goofier starring role as any hint of real talent is basically her knack for slow karate moves and looking good in a wet t-shirt (apparently bras are optional at this police department). Checkers and her partner Waldo, (David Dukes who tries really hard, no really he does!) are sent to investigate heroin dealers in Buenos Aires that have been shipping the smack back to Los Angeles. Turns out it's Rod Steiger with a toupee so bad it trumps any international crime the drug dealing might incur. Steiger's Jason Hannibal is also a talent scout and that's where Checkers becomes acquainted with him as.......Cinderella Poo! What is it with these names? Turns out Hannibal is smuggling the drugs into the U.S. by stuffing it into breast implants. Why they would send in a woman with sizable knockers in the first place is a mystery to me. With all the attention, rightly so, on boobs, you'd think you would get to see a pair every once in a while. You'd be wrong. This is like a Fred Olen Ray movie if Mr. Ray had become a Mormon. Not fun. Eventually Checkers kicks and chops her way through men three times her size all the while enduring every sexually charged innuendo by Waldo who was not aware of what a litigious society the work place would become in the nineties. A sideplot concerning Waldo's feelings for Checkers is clumsily heaped in to add another layer onto their partnership. The "heat" ain't coming from the sexual chemistry from these two that's for sure. A movie by boobs about boobs that show no boobs except for the boobs who watched this. Catch a nap instead.

This is, on almost all accounts, a routine mid-to-low-budget 80's action film, mostly set in Argentina, with its weakest point probably being Rod Steiger's totally boring, sleepwalking villain. So let's talk about the female star, Tiana Alexandra:

• She is VERY good-looking

• She has a charming smile

• She fills out a wet T-shirt and a tight sweater beautifully

• She can act (going from a foul-mouthed, no-nonsense cop to her undercover role as a naive young girl)

• She can dance

• She can fight (her ingenuity in dealing with the brick wall of a man "Professor" Tanaka inside a small room is certainly memorable)

• She can pose BEFORE the fight and take the mental advantage over her opponent.

Basically, she's the only reason for someone to see this movie, and it's a shame she wasn't given a second break. If this one flopped, she should be the last person to blame. (**)

If you're a fan of movies of strong and beautiful women and also enjoy a taste of the 80s, this is a must.

I don't understand all of the negative reviews. This is a typical action flick of its time with nothing at all wrong with it.

Storyline: Undercover police woman has a task to figure out how drug smugglers and murders are getting away with their crimes. There's a nice romance subplot between her and her partner and their growth is endearing.

Tiana Alexandra-Silliphant plays the police woman. It's the only action movie she ever stared in and it's a shame because she's an excellent and realistic martial artist.

What I mean is that unlike other movies where it's kind of obvious the woman would lose the fight in reality, Tiana's fights are believable. And often, the big guy she's fighting overpowers her and her ways of winning the fights are believable.

Quick pros and cons: I really liked how the writers used realistic fight sequences. As a fan of 80s music, that was okay, too.

However, the guns scenes were a bit ridiculous.

Everyone had machine guns and used them like toys. This movie is not a gun movie though.

Every scene with Tiana was charming and her character was adorable and fun. As a fan of movies with women who can fight, you should watch this and you won't be let down. It's free on YouTube. Just look up "Catch the Heat 1984" there. Also, give this a thumbs up if it helped you, or down if you're an Aussie (I know that means "like" to you people).

A tired-looking Rod Steiger was given top billing for this predictable action movie although his screen time is relatively brief. The story is unoriginal and most of the budget seems to have been spent on an exciting beginning and climax - what comes in between is extremely dull.

Unusually for its day, much of the action is handled by a woman and the film, despite all its faults, is popular amongst femfight devotees for the concluding scenes in which the sinuous but deadly Tiana Alexander, clad in skintight black leotards, uses martial arts to dispose of numerous opponents.