Lance - Stirb niemals jung

Only in the 1980s could we get something this gloriously deranged and utterly idiotic. It's flashy, and it's dumb, and it's obviously proud to be so. It's essentially a "junior James Bond" as John "Uncle Jesse" Stamos plays Lance Stargrove, a college athlete whose dad Drew (one time Bond George Lazenby) is a spy. Dad isn't THAT great at his job, though, managing to get killed by the movies' villain. And what a doozy this villain is. He/she is Velvet Von Ragner (rock star Gene Simmons), a hermaphroditic megalomaniac with a legion of followers who look like refugees from a "Mad Max" knock-off. Lance determines to get some revenge, hooking up with our leading lady, Danja Deering (supremely sexy Vanity), just one of dads' "associates".

This one is pretty bad, all right, but that doesn't mean it ain't entertaining. The action scenes are decent enough, the stunts and camera work especially effective. The costumes on the henchmen are absolutely hilarious. The upbeat pop soundtrack consists of some pretty rancid cheese, yet unfortunately it will stick in your head, especially the title theme song. Director Gil Bettman ("Crystal Heart", "Night Vision") works from a terminally silly script credited to Steven Paul (of "Slapstick (Of Another Kind)" infamy) and Anthony Foutz, that is wise to include some very alluring scenes with Vanity, as well as the kind of gadgetry we often come to expect in an espionage thriller.

Stamos is okay as the hero, no more; he lacks a strong screen presence. Vanity definitely fares better. Supporting roles and bits are played by the likes of John Anderson ("Psycho" '60), Ed Brock (in his one and only movie role), Peter Kwong ("Big Trouble in Little China"), Robert "Freddy Krueger" Englund (wasted in a nothing part), Tara Buckman ("Silent Night, Deadly Night", "The Cannonball Run"), Patrick Wright ("Track of the Moon Beast"), and Branscombe Richmond ("Hard to Kill"). But this thing really belongs to Simmons, who clearly realized he was doing a p.o.s. movie, and gives it some flair by camping it up something fierce as the bad guy / gal.

Recommended mainly to completists who'll gladly lap up the craziest things that the 80s had to offer.

Five out of 10.

This movie is so horrifying, stultifyingly bad that it's total lack of anything that could remotely be termed "quality filmmaking" deserves some sort of Nobel Prize. (After which anyone involved in this project, down to the caterers, should be bundled up and sent to The Hague to stand trial for crimes against humanity.) It's one of those very rare projects that leaves your jaw dropped in sheer aghastness from beginning to end. They say "Plan 9 From Outer Space" was the worst movie ever made. No. I've seen "Plan 9" and this makes it look like "2001: A Space Odyssey."

This movie is bad. But it's the laughable, entertaining kind of bad you find in movies like Grease II. You see great and crummy actors and actresses cast together that you would have never imagined, EVER. Gene Simmons of KISS fame plays the villainess gal with 'something extra'. You camp it up, Gene! You gotta love Gene Simmons, who has been playing in drag longer than Dame Edna. John Stamos plays himself basicly, no change in hair or motivation. He's handsome enough I suppose, but there is no acting range for this man. George Lazenby (one time James Bond) even makes an appearance!! Vanity made her career on those flawless cheekbones/exotic beauty, matched with dazzling clothes and sexy prancing, works her formula to the hilt. But she's convincing, because she seems like the type who really could beat the stuffing out of someone. She's a tough gal, secret agent with a heart of gold. The flirtation scene between John Stamos, Vanity and the garden hose will make heterosexual men lose sleep over her. (And make transvestites pine for Vanity's jungle bikini) The breast and nipple biting in this movie will truly surprise and titillate you! See it to laugh, to mock, and to marvel at the feminine charms of Gene Simmons. Nothing beats a great pair of legs!

Many films fall into that 'so-bad-they're-good' category. The guys at Troma have even made it a revered art form. But Troma has yet to match "Never Too Young to Die." Without realising it, the filmmakers have achieved the ultimate tacky 80's action movie. It has just a perfect balance of tacky 80's acting (with "Jessie" from "Full House," Gene Simmons from KISS, and Vanity--what ever happened to her?), tacky 80's action, tacky 80's music, and tacky 80's production design. The plot is the most convoluted mess I've ever seen. That is to say that there really is a plot, but you find yourself smacking your forehead repeatedly in disbelief as the writers juggle tacky 80's clichés, predictable plot turns, and convenient situations that no one would ever buy. And sometimes, it just doesn't make any sense at all. But when all is said and done, the final product is a movie that is just delightfully crappy. My suggestion: rent this movie with some friends and some booze, and have a rollicking good time bashing this movie. I give it a 0 for its poor quality and a 10 for its "entertainment" value. Total score: 5

Gene made me laugh until I cried. He took this horrible mess and ran with it. The rest of the cast...well, what rest of the cast? This one is a real stinker but if you're a hardcore KISS fan you can appreciate the utter hilariousness of Gene's performance. Don't get me wrong, this movie overall is the worst I have ever seen but if seeing Gene Simmons in drag will live on tape long enough for my grandkids to see it, then it's worth it. LOL I pull it out of the cabinet whenever I need a good gut busting laugh with a horrible script.