Deadly Spygames

This not very entertaining BOMB turns up occasionally on cable channel B-Mania. I caught it today and forced myself to watch it, just to see "Tippi" Hedren and Troy Donahue, both of whom must wish this project had never gotten off the shelf. Everything about it is comically dreadful: script, acting, production values. Truly, it plays like a bad porno movie—without the sex. And that makes it all the more intolerably unwatchable. Tons of footage appear to be lifted from armed forces stock footage, and matches poorly with the lamentable melodrama featuring a pudgy, bottle-blond "hero" played by director/actor/auteur Jack M. Sell. A film-within-film device takes up lots of time, is pointless and tedious, and is clearly little more than padding: footage taken from some already-and-poorly-made Christmas-themed slasher film (no doubt a previous Jack M. Sell production). It has nothing to do with espionage, so it feels utterly unrelated, and when we get past all that junk the primary storyline simply stops. Roll credits. Ugh!!! Winking one-liners and slo-mo action scenes would be marginally laughable if it all weren't so poorly done by rank amateurs. Seeing "Tippi" Hedren and Troy Donahue, even if their performances were embarrassing (which they were), warrants a generous score of 1 star--everything else about this wretched mess deserves a nothing more than Zero stars.

What do you have when a laughably cheap James Bond knockoff runs out of money so it's padded maximally with scenes from one of the filmmakers previous DTV flicks? Answer is 'Deadly Spygames'. A vanity project that starts on a high note before dropping off quicker than a meal from Taco Bell and ultimately just as unsatisfying.

At the height of the cold war, Cpt. Banner (writer / director / star Jack M. Sell) a top level US operative is tasked with retrieving a secret film that reveal a Russian serial killer that the Soviets want kept a secret. That's when he's not blowing up satellite dishes, banging chicks, being a one liner badass trying to avert WWIII.

Known names "Tippi" Hedren & Troy Donahue pick up quick paychecks, max embarrassment. Sell's real life wife (Adrienne Richmond) a fellow agent / love interest. Though the film from bad to worse belongs to Jack. With dyed blonde hair he comes in super hot. Hilarious sex scene open then the vanity male butt shot, main theme credit sequence sung by the star all within the first ten minutes.

For all the wrong reasons, I was on board with 'Deadly Spygames' for the first 20 mins. Poorly shot, poorly acted, etc. Then it takes a huge dump and the next hour is a waste of time. Large pieces of a horror spoof from his 'Outtakes' take over along with stock footage. The fun unintentional humor dries up and it becomes a bore.

Possibly one of the worst films ever made. Never mind that the performances, direction, editing, props, locations (usually a backyard) and plot are uniformally appalling. What sets this atrocity apart from other dud vanity films is that at least a good third of it appears to have been culled from an entirely different movie. However, this crudely assembled mish-mash of cutting room leavings is often hilarious - the pathetic kung-fu fight in a room of cardboard computers is a high (or low) point. Watch out also for the soppy flashback sequence, composed entirely of holiday photographs that seem to have little connection with the movie.

There is bad, very bad, truly awful, horrific....and this film, which is in a class of its own for hideousness. Troy Donohue and Tippi Hedren must have been destitute and starving when they agreed to appear in this disaster. Either that, or their kids were abducted and held for ransom by the director.

When your film requires submarines, planes, kung fu fights, tanks, high tech spy equipment, beautiful women and you have none of that, you probably shouldn't make the film. Watching this was just a pure waste of my time and I feel stupider because of it. Warning: PLEASE DON"T WATCH!