Puma-Man

Puma Man - who is he? Why is he here? Where did he come from? Why is he a manic-depressive?

All of these questions - or at least most - can be answered by watching "L'uomo puma" (or "Puma Man", as I know it). Made (solely) to cash in on the "Superman" craze, this comes in at just barely more tolerable than "The Indian Superman" (never seen that one? Check out "Stomp Tokyo").

Seems Aztec priest Vadinho ("an onion?") is throwing guys out of high-rise windows all over London to see which one is a super hero. Well, if there's no better way to find out.... Then he comes upon college professor Tony Farms (Alton, whom you probably haven't seen since those old "dry look" commercials), who survives a three-story fall quite nicely. Vadinho then bestows a magic belt on him that grants Tony the heroic powers of a puma.

Okay...stop there. Comparison time. Tony jumps, pumas jump. Tony claws things, pumas claw things. Tony flies, pumas.... Aah, there, SEE? Of course, if a puma was going through the air, it would probably flail its limbs all around and have its butt up the air, too.

Anyway, Tony's first assignment: stop the evil Kobras (Pleasance!!) from taking over the world by staring at people through an aluminum foil mask and controlling their minds with papier-mache mock-ups of their heads (poor representations, too), and while wearing leather S&M suits or silver nehru jackets. Oh Donald, what were you thinking? "Paycheck", no doubt.

Everything here suggests the film-makers were trying to attain the lofty heights of "Superman"; but this group doesn't even get close to "Super Mario Brothers" territory.

Love the disco soundtrack, though, as well as the special FX (no more special than back projection technology) and that perplexed look Donald Pleasance has on his face throughout the film. Maybe he was expecting Steve McQueen to drop by and help him escape?

At any rate, MST3K is the safest, least harmful way to witness the disaster that is "Puma Man". For certain, Mike and the robots supply the best dialogue (favorite - "Couldn't control me bladder - sorry, mate!")

Three stars for "L'uomo puma" (for sheer joy in its stupidity), and ten stars for the MST3K version.

Catch it, just to see what puts the "poo" in "Puma Man".

Pumaman has got to be one of the worst superheroes of all time. His "costume" consists of a shirt with a Aztec happy face on it, a pair of Abercrombie and Finch cargo pants, cheap pleather cowboy boots, the WWF Hardcore Championship belt (the only thing that's "hardcore" about this loser), and a fey red cape. He flies at about the same speed as the Goodyear Blimp, he can rip the top of a Jaguar but has a hard time wrestling a sixtyish fat man to the ground, he can teleport, but only to places he has been before (such as his friend's firetruck(?)), and his theme song sounds like a commercial for a personal injury attourney. Worse, he has a hulking mongoloid with a Moe Howard haircut following him around doing all his dirty work, like getting beat up by bad guys or tying Pumaman up during one of his many suicide attempts. In the same vein, the "villian", Donald Pleasance, has one of the worst evil schemes of all time: taking over the world by staring at manniquen heads through a mask mounted on a pole. Other idioic characters include Pumaman's mouth-breathing girlfriend (why she wears a leather flying helmet is beyond me) and a whole army of thugs as cannon fodder for this wuss and his Aztec. ONLY watch this on MST3K!

Dear god. This was a terrifyingly bad movie. If ever a film made me want to hang my head in shame, this was it. Donald "All quiet on the Balding Front" Pleasence is anything but. Sydne Rome (awfully close to Syndrome isn't it? I'll she has a couple) and Walter George Alton shared a romantic moment or two that looked more like a vacuous stare at some bit of food in the others mouth. And the way the Pumaman "leaps" from building to building got me thinking of wedgies while hanging from my elementary school's jungle gym. Bottom line, I would rather have my colon examined by Jar Jar Binks than watch this movie without a healthy dose of morphine.

As I've said before, you've just got to love those wacky Italians and some of their wacky cinematic "achievements". The Puma Man (or The Pumaman as the title card indicates) tells the story of Professor Tony Farms (Walter George Alton) who reluctantly accepts his superhero birthright. A direct descendant of extraterrestrials, he is given the power of the puma (Until I watched this movie, I had no idea that pumas could fly? Who knew?) so that he might defend the secrets of the Aztecs. One of those secrets, a golden mask that grants its possessor the power of mind control, has been stolen by the evil Kobras (Donald Pleasance). With his Aztec guide Vadinho (Miguel Angel Fuentes), The Puma Man must put a stop to Kobras' plans of world domination.

It might be screwy, but I can't help but enjoy parts of The Puma Man. The movie comes across like a twisted, no-budget mix of Superman and the U.S. television series "The Greatest American Hero". From the superhero costume that includes brown slacks straight off the rack at Sears to the poorly done rear projection special effects to the repetitive (but admittedly catchy) Casio keyboard soundtrack to the Christmas ornament-like space ship, it's obvious that the budget on The Puma Man was less that what I spent on dinner last night. But the odd thing is, regardless of how cheap looking most of the movie is, it's got a charm to it that money can't buy. And while that doesn't necessarily make The Puma Man a great movie or anything, on occasion the movie overcomes its many faults (or it might be because of these faults) and is often quite fun. The acting isn't much to write home about. Pleasance proves he could be a scene-chewer without equal. His insistence on pronouncing "puma" as "pyuma" is hysterical. Our would-be hero, Alton, is generally ineffectual. The female lead, played by Sydne Rome, while reasonably attractive, doesn't display much in the way of acting skills either. Still, given the material they're given to work with, the entire cast is serviceable. But probably the best thing I can say about The Puma Man is that it's not dull. In fact, it's well paced and generally entertaining throughout its runtime. And as I've argued so many times, entertainment is the single most important thing to me when watching movies.

Compared with most everyone else on IMDb, my rating for The Puma Man sticks out like a sore thumb. Maybe I enjoy it for all the wrong reasons, but whatever it is, I do enjoy it.

"You are the worst I have ever seen, but you are the Pumaman."

-- Vadinho

Flying over Stonehenge, a UFO drops off a magical golden mask. A voice-over alien promises that the mask will be protected by his son, and his sons after him. They will be man-gods; blessed with the infinite powers of the puma (a Puma-man, if you will).

Naturally, any device of great power must eventually fall into the wrong hands. Quicker than you can say Warrior Queen, the mask falls into the evil hands of Kobras (Donald Pleasance!). He discovers that the mask can control the human mind (not unlike Pabst Blue Ribbon), which can be very helpful when wanting to take over the world.

Unfortunately, plans for world domination are cut short when alien hieroglyphics reveal that the mask is protected. Any NE'ER-do-well who attempts to use it for evil will fall to a grisly demise by Pumaman.

So logically, Kobras must eliminate the mask's guardian. But how does one go about finding a Pumaman?

Easy. By throwing random men out skyscraper windows. If they splat, they're obviously not Pumaman.

So Kobras and his goons spend lazy summer afternoons tossing random men out skyscraper windows. On the other side of town, Vadinho, native shaman and friend to all Pumamen, does his part in finding the man-god. Not wanting to break from the tried-and-true method, he too tosses random men out skyscraper windows.

Vadinho soon comes across Tony Farms, a paleontologist working at a local museum. After Tony survives his window toss, Vadinho runs up to him, tells him he's a Pumaman, and disappears. He's just mysterious like that.

(This later segues into the obligatory: "I'm not a Pumaman" and "You are a Pumaman!" conflict, but let's skip it.)

Unfortunately, Vadinho isn't the only one who discovers Farms' hidden gift. Kobras sets his sights on the heroic paleontologist, for once the Pumaman is out of the way, nothing can stop him from taking over - the world!!! (Pronounced "verld" with an echo effect to increase menace.)

This review is part of Secret Santa, the latest B-Masters' round table. Lyz, of And You Call Yourself A Scientist! fame, drew my name. I must admit that she went fairly easy on me. Out of mercy? Charity? Who knows? Pumaman isn't a good film, but it's not that painful, either.

The acting is sub-par, but that's to be expected. Besides, Donald Pleasance is always a treat. He hams like none other: The beady eyes. The emotionless line delivery. The shiny pate. As a director, you can't go wrong with big Don.

But you can go wrong with Walter George Alton. It's nothing personal. Considering the material, he does just fine. But why get Gary Busey when you can just as easily hire Nick Nolte? Meaning, Alton wants to be Dirk Benedict so bad he can just taste it. Fresh off Battlestar Galactica, Dirk could've brought some star-power punch to the production. Or was Donald Pleasance supposed to provide the ratings' draw?

There was lots of action; fighting and what-not. I'm not talking about fancy-Schuman's wire work or characters freezing in mid-air while a bullet flies between their legs. Apparently, Pumaman likes to mix the power of B. A. Baracus with the unorthodox dork-FUD of William Shatner. We get some thug tossing (across cars, into walls, but sadly, not into dumpsters) along with a dabble of "In real life, that would've never connected." Things like Pumaman falling between the legs of an attacker, then kicking him in the chest. With the lightning speed of, say, Jackie Chan, I might be able to accept this feat. With the clumsiness of Walter George Alton, however, it proves a bit harder to swallow. And if you're going to pay homage to Shatner, everyone knows you have to throw in a weak chop to the back of the neck. It's a staple.

Perhaps a chop to the back of the neck would've prevented Our Hero from being made a fool of by Donald Pleasance. Pumaman beats on a dozen bad guys without breaking a sweat, only to be out-muscled by Donald Pleasance in the film's finale? Suspending disbelief, I can accept Pleasance as a criminal mastermind. But he's just a little too doughy to be slapping around a man-god. Unless that man-god happened to be Corey Haim.

----

• Vadinho is a proud member of The Temple of the God Who Came From Other Worlds. If any organization was in desperate need of an acronym, this would be it.

• Hypnosis through shaky cam! Why spend lots of money on special effects? We'll just screw with camera lens. Nobody will know the deference.

• Pumaman spends a great deal of time flying and looking. Flying. Then looking. Then back to flying. Nothing is more exciting than bad blue-screen flight interrupted by periodic pauses to look around. It truly completes the effect.

• I can understand having a protector for a mask that could enslave the world, but it begs the question: Why bother dropping the mask off in the first place?

• The stirring love theme from Pumaman.

• Pumaman, as the name implies, is blessed with all the wondrous powers of a puma, which include:

The power of flight. The power to tear steel and crumble bricks with your bare hands. The power to telnet (I have a great story about this puma that deleted into my grandmother's bathroom in Wyoming, but for the sake of brevity, I'll refrain). The power to see in the dark. The power to punch guys really hard (my grandma was punched by said puma, but again, we should probably skip it).

-- Copyright © 2001 by J. Bannerman