The Kinky Coaches and the Pom Pom Pussycats

This 1979 film with John Vernon (fresh from ANIMAL HOUSE), Norman Fell (from top show THREE'S COMPANY) and leading man Robert Forster (just finished THE BLACK HOLE) and TV director Mike Warren, and presented by a major 70's producer Sandy Howard, and title song performed by The Cooper Brothers! You'll figured this was going to be a big film. Well it's not! They must be a reason why all the Canadian films made back in those Canadian tax shelter days, this one took two years to get released and was picked up by a company that disappeared a year later! This film looks like all budget went to the actor, producer, and director that the rest was made cheap.

The film plot is a feud between two high school football team, one school has a coach (vernon) who can think without his lucky underwear (that's supposed to be kinky?), and the other school has a coach (Forster) who plays football with the music teacher in bed (I guess that's kinky?). Fell plays a boring local radio sportcaster who is ingored by both teams. The only funny scene is when the team mascot get hit by a police car. It was good to see Forster and Vernon re-team (they did JUSTINE back in 1970!)!

This film barely played at the theatres in Seattle (three drive-ins and one multiplex) with no mention of the stars. In fact, Siskel & Ebert gave this "the Dog of the Week"! The US title of this film is terrible, but the Canadian title CRUSH is much better. In fact, the Canadian network actually played this film at prime time once!

There's a lot of football in this movie. Since I'm from Sweden I don't really understand American football. That might me one of the reasons why I didn't enjoy too much of this. And you have the ordinary crowd with some tough guys and some geeky guys. And the cheerleaders who of course look pretty. There are a couple of brief boob-shots during a strip poker game, if you think that nudity is a requirement in an 80's comedy. And the plot isn't too predictable, to be fair. But when you reach the end of the movie, you really don't care who wins or whatever happens. The type of humor you see in 80's movies often feels dated nowadays. This is no exception.

As a rule, teen-oriented films aren't all that good. This is especially true of these films that were made in the late 1970's and early 1980's. This movie is no exception. I'll admit that this film wasn't quite as predictable as most others in the genre, but when every joke lands with a thud, I don't really care if there is a touch of originality. Quite simply, this film is just as bad as the title would suggest.

Okay, let's make one thing clear--this movie is dog doo, but a lot of people are misunderstanding it. It's awful, but it's the kind of movie that let you know that ahead of time. Nobody went to this movie taking it seriously. This was the kind of movie you went to when your purpose was to be with your friends and make asses of yourselves, not to actually WATCH it. Even better, you have to remember that even in '81, there were drive-ins everywhere, and people went to drive-ins to hang out, make out, socialize and eat greasy burgers and chili dogs with the gang. That a movie was going on was completely incidental. In fact, the more forgettable the movie, the better, which is why at drive-ins two movies usually played--one for watching, and one for background noise while you ran around to find your friends. The Kinky Coaches and the Pom Pom Pussycats (I REFUSE to call it "Heartbreak High") was definitely of the "background noise" variety. If you're expecting a brief review of the plot, you're about to be disappointed. I mean, there was something about a Big Game upcoming, and a rivalry between the opposing head coaches, some scheming and shenanigans, Norman Fell making his full array of funny faces, and buxom cheerleaders chanting "The bigger, the better, the tighter the sweater." I don't know! But that's the point! I'm not SUPPOSED to remember, because nobody expected anybody to pay attention to this in the first place.

It was a different time for movies, in a different economy. Nowadays, any movie you go to see, you probably expect some bang for your buck, given how expensive they are. That was not the case in '81, and this was one of those movies whose purpose was not really to entertain, but to just BE there while you and yours entertained yourselves. And this one . . . Magnificently succeeded in both objectives!

The Kinky Coaches And The Pom Pom Pussycats (aka Heart Break High) is a "teen" comedy about a football rivalry between Johnson High and City High, for the illustrious prize of the Hick Cup.

It's straight early 80's cheese, with some patently ridiculous- and often times just plain bad- moments.

Like, when the players from City High almost murder the mole they hire to film the Johnson practice.

When the cop is forced to eat a joint he is smoking in the bathroom at the local burger hangout.

And when the one dude they call Pigger- who only speaks in oinks- jumps on a cream pie, only for it to explode all over the kids from the rival school.

The stars for both teams are both after the same girl, Catherine.

A fledgling activist from Johnson High, who has recently decided to abstain from sex.

This is probably a subtle joke alluding to the film being shot in Montreal...St. Catherine, get it?!

Either way, City High likes to play dirty, and concocts a plan to make the quarterback from Johnson jealous, so they can honey trap him, and tire him out before the big game.

Which is so overtly violent, that it would be surprising if it didn't end up in an outright riot.

The whole thing is chock full of drunk driving, sexual assault, and old ass cops salivating over high school girls...you know, stuff that wouldn't in this day and age.

It's all pretty bad.

Especially the dialogue.

And neither of the titles make any sense.

I'm pretty sure Robert Forster would like to have this performance stricken from his record.

Probably the worst football film ever made.

3.5 out of 10.