A Polish Vampire in Burbank

I used to watch this when "USA Up All Night" was still on the air (Gilbert Gottfried and those timeless B-movies). You can actually order this movie directly from the company (Pirromount Pictures) for about $19.99.

Is it perfect? No, but it's the most fun you'll have watching something put together on a less-than-shoestring budget. There are some really funny scenes in here, and some classic lines. In my opinion, it's better than anything Troma ever released.

8/10.

A young polish vampire is taken out by his slut sister to finally penetrate a victim with his small fangs in California. A nonstop barrage of groan worthy puns, silly sight gags, and stupid little sound effects pummel the victim..umm..i mean viewer into submission. This film is simply awful, and at not even an hour and a half is STILL way too long. I found myself bored to tears. Even '80's ultra-nerd Eddie Deezen can't save this foolish film from crashing and burning. Falling to the trash heap of cinematic history. Some people may find this turd funny. I never wish to meet said people.

My Grade: D-

DVD Extras: Director's commentary; Mark Pirro bio; TV spots; 3 minutes of deleted scenes; 29 minute documentary; Teaser and full Trailer

This movie cannot be compared to any other movie. Thanks to the USA Network, this very low budget film has been discovered, thank goodness. This movie is not sophisticated, but what it is is funny. It's the story of Dupah, the reluctant vampire as he goes out for his first kill, presented by actors with good timing. The script is pretty good. Even if you don't thin it's funny, you have to admit the idea of a "Queerwolf" is creative. There are a few failed attempts at humor, and many of the running gags get old. Still, any movie with Eddie Deezen it has to be good. It's not easy finding this movie, but if you get the opportunity to watch it, go for it. As long as you like lowbrow.

Some friends & I found "Polish Vampire" on the video shelves one night over ten years ago, and it's tribute to simplistic humor and silly sound effects inspired us to create a series of films ourselves - which, should any of us ever decide to run for congress, you'll no doubt see. I found a copy of "Polish Vampire" on E-Bay, got some of the old gang together and we laughed at the same jokes and silly sounds of Dupah's stomach growling. We abstained this time from making more films, but all decided that "Polish Vampire" is, like, comedy for the ageless, for sure.

Unlike the other rancid cheese from the same (I hesitate to call them this) filmmakers, Queerwolf, A Polish Vampire in Burbank is worth watching for the "Judo for Jesus" sequence.

While I do love camp vampire movies, this flick is too lowbrow for camp. If you are looking for quality camp in a vampire flick, stick with Innocent Blood or Buffy, The Vampire Killer. But when you already have a sixpack in you and a have your cardboard silhouette of Joel and the robots situated in front of the TV screen and feel hungry for some truly stinky cheese, then A Polish Vampire in Burbank with its Judo for Jesus and The Vampire Hookers (absolutely dreadful, but the song during the credits is hilarious) is for you.