A Polish Vampire in Burbank

Some of the reviewers here need to lighten up a bit. The negative comments on this film are evidently by those who cannot appreciate how hard it is to make a movie for $2500 and have it gross a half million because of it's cult status. Are the jokes bad? Absolutely. Is the acting awful? Some of it, yes. But to me this is what cult cinema is about. It doesn't take itself seriously and viewers shouldn't either. It's 84 minutes of fun with more than a few laughs. Eddie Deezen calls this his worst movie he ever appeared in and even he misses the point while making the film a joy for those who love bad movies. He's brilliant! Is Mark Pirro going to be the next Alfred Hitchcock? No but he's done something major studios only dream of. Make a film for nearly nothing and 40 years later people are still discovering it and smiling. I did. Find it. Watch it. And please write a review that will absorb the bad ones that don't get it. They'll never get it.

A young polish vampire is taken out by his slut sister to finally penetrate a victim with his small fangs in California. A nonstop barrage of groan worthy puns, silly sight gags, and stupid little sound effects pummel the victim..umm..i mean viewer into submission. This film is simply awful, and at not even an hour and a half is STILL way too long. I found myself bored to tears. Even '80's ultra-nerd Eddie Deezen can't save this foolish film from crashing and burning. Falling to the trash heap of cinematic history. Some people may find this turd funny. I never wish to meet said people.

My Grade: D-

DVD Extras: Director's commentary; Mark Pirro bio; TV spots; 3 minutes of deleted scenes; 29 minute documentary; Teaser and full Trailer

Unlike the other rancid cheese from the same (I hesitate to call them this) filmmakers, Queerwolf, A Polish Vampire in Burbank is worth watching for the "Judo for Jesus" sequence.

While I do love camp vampire movies, this flick is too lowbrow for camp. If you are looking for quality camp in a vampire flick, stick with Innocent Blood or Buffy, The Vampire Killer. But when you already have a sixpack in you and a have your cardboard silhouette of Joel and the robots situated in front of the TV screen and feel hungry for some truly stinky cheese, then A Polish Vampire in Burbank with its Judo for Jesus and The Vampire Hookers (absolutely dreadful, but the song during the credits is hilarious) is for you.

I used to watch this when "USA Up All Night" was still on the air (Gilbert Gottfried and those timeless B-movies). You can actually order this movie directly from the company (Pirromount Pictures) for about $19.99.

Is it perfect? No, but it's the most fun you'll have watching something put together on a less-than-shoestring budget. There are some really funny scenes in here, and some classic lines. In my opinion, it's better than anything Troma ever released.

8/10.

Greetings And Salutations, and welcome to my review of A Polish Vampire In Burbank; here's the breakdown of my ratings:

Story: 1.25 Direction: 1.00 Pace: 1.00 Acting: 1.25 Enjoyment: 1.50

TOTAL: 5.75 out of 10.00

Since I'd never heard of or about A Polish Vampire In Burbank, I was rightly suspect about its quality. Even though the story is quite rudimentary, the direction is rather amateurish, and the cast is below par, the movie is surprisingly entertaining.

The story is written, directed and stars Mark Pirro - God, I can imagine the arguments he must have had with himself when the director asked for a script re-write or the actor disagreed with his lines or his director's direction. It'd be enough to drive a bloke insane.

Writer Piro gives the audience a coming-of-age tale about Dupah, a reluctant vampyre. He doesn't possess the attitude required to drain the blood from a resistant victim. He would much prefer to rob a blood bank. Luckily his father assigns his sister to aid him in his quest for a true Bloody Mary or Bob. Sadly, Yvonne has little luck in releasing his true nature. But on one of their nights out, Dupah meets Delores Lane as she comes out of a Vampire movie because she loves Vampire movies. Rather than heading for her jugular, he takes her out for a late meal and ends up lovestruck. Will he ever bite the neck that feeds him? Or will he turn out like cousin Sphincter? To find out, you'll have to watch the film. As for the comedy elements, they tickled my funny bone. I particularly liked the opening sequence with the prostitute on the street corner under the lamp. She asks the John, "Wanna party?" He nods his head with stupified eagerness. "You got the bread?" She inquires, to which he holds up a loaf and replies, "And the mayonnaise too." I do so like an abstract joke now and again, and this one made me chuckle. Though, the best comedic element is Eddie Deezer, who plays Sphincter. This guy could read a shopping list and make it funny. His delivery and timing are superb. That doesn't signify that the writing is below par - it isn't. Pirro bestows his characters with strong identities. The scene where Daddy Vamp waxes lyrical and proudly about how his son should be spending his nights is humourous, witty satire because it's contrary to our "normal" way of thinking. There are some entertaining and amusing skits and dialogue throughout the narrative.

Director Pirro is not as skilled with the camera as Writer Pirro was pushing the pen. There's so much involuntary camera shake I thought the camera person (look at me, I'm PC) had Parkinson's' and hadn't heard of a gimble. And some of the close-ups get too close. I don't need to count how many nose hairs the star has up his snotter. In fact, all that was required was polish - buffing-up and not the nation. There are plenty of scenes where you can see that Pirro is attempting to engage the viewer with entertaining cinematography. The prostitute and bread skit displays this best as he uses mutliple camera angles and points to add pizazz to the scene and the punchline. Sadly, through all his endeavours, the movie feels amateurish. This impression isn't terrible because it adds an air of heartwarming asperation. If Pirro could accomplish all of this, there's hope for all the determined filmmakers. For me, the pace was a tad too leisurely. He could have enhanced a few segments by utilising a faster or slower tempo, especially to eke out a few more laughs from the audience.

Actor Pirro is impressive, as is the cast, especially when you realise that not all of them are professional. In a simple movie such as this, you expect some performers to overshadow others. Thankfully it's not the case here. Though Eddie Deezen gives a more adroit performance, he doesn't take anything away from his co-stars - Everybody does well in their portrayals, even if they are slightly wooden or over-the-top. Luckily it adds to the comedy.

All things considered, I found A Polish Vampire In Burbank to be a delightful way to pass an hour and a half. It made me smile, and it made me laugh. Yes, the acting and direction could have been better, but strangely, the amateur feel works for the film. It added a charm all of its own. I would happily encourage the Horror and Comedy fans to check it out, should you be able to find it on a streaming service. I wouldn't advise purchasing a copy as it's not the kind of movie you'd watch that often.

Now remove your fangs from that pretty young woman's neck and cast your eyes over my Absolute Horror and Just For Laughs lists to see where I ranked A Polish Vampire In Burbank.

Take Care & Stay Well.