Der Monster-Hai

The monstrous star of 2010 CGI creature-feature Sharktopus is (rather obviously) half-shark-half-octopus, which probably sounds like a fairly unique concept unless you've been unfortunate enough to experience Monster Shark, Lamberto Bava's god-awful movie from 1984, which also features this particular genetic mash-up. Italian horror film-makers are renowned for following US trends, but for once it seems like they actually got there first (and by a whole 26 years).

Don't expect much else in the way of originality from Bava, though: strip away a poorly developed subplot about a shady geneticist out to protect the vicious sea-creature and what you have is just another in a long line of uninspired low-budget Jaws rip-offs, terribly acted, poorly directed, and much more likely to bore than to horrify.

Admittedly, the incredibly bad monster does provide some unintentional giggles, and supplies the film with a few moments of shoddy gore as it chomps down on its prey, and Bava throws in a couple of enjoyably exploitative scenes in which a murderous hired thug (played with gleeful menace by Paul Branco) bumps off a few defenceless victims, but these 'high' points are few and far between; for the majority of the time, Monster Shark is a dull, derivative mess.

Moderate Italian killer-fish saga concerning a genetically created shark-squid thing munching on various extras and the marine biologists who go after it. Not enough excitement to keep things afloat plus some bad continuity (watch for the scene where a fleeing woman is tripped by the creature and her handy axe flies overboard, in the next shot it's a couple of inches away from her...) Not the horrible mess it's been made out to be, but simply boring.

I'm still trying to decide which is the worst "monster in the water movie," this or Jaws 4. If you like having your head squeezed in a vice, this movie is for you. This movie is the Italians entry into the already crowded Jaws rip-off market. Their spin: the creature is an artificially created being that combines the deadly qualities of both a shark and an octopus. It was created by a mad scientist played by an actor who never really got the mad part or the scientist part down. Please notice the super-beefy sheriff deputy try to say his lines with one brain cell working overtime. Also notice the supposed "medical doctor" who looks either like a serial kidnapper or cult leader. After the first ten minutes you won't care how they catch the monster.

My review was written in November 1986 after a screening at Liberty theater on Manhattan's 42nd Street.

"Monster Shark", previously titled "Red Ocean", is a poor science fiction/horror film from Europe. Since Universal is planning a fourth "Jaws" epic, there's apparently some life left in this lame material.

Yank actor Michael Sopkiw gets involved in a hunt for a giant underwater killer off the Florida oast when he's hired to rig up some electronic equipment for scientists studying the series of gory attacks on humans. Eventually they discover that the culprit is a 15,000,000-year-old ancestor of the shark, 40-feet long and hungry. Worse yet, the critter's individual cells are capable of reproduction, meaning that if it isn't found and destroyed soon the ocean will be filled with the beasties.

Cornball film relies once again for the usual conflict between gung ho scientists (led by William Berger) who want to save the creature for study, and practical types like the local sheriff (Gianni Garko) who want to kill it. Monster itself is a very fake-looking cross between shark and octopus, wisely shown in its entirety only briefly on screen. Cast is peppered with pretty women, but the acting is miserable, becoming downright funny during some exaggerate death scenes or shrieking bouts.

Surprisingly for such a routine picture, five well-known Continental helmers are credited in various capacities, wit the Italian contingent (Lamberto Bava, the film's director, as well as Luigi Cozzi and Sergio Martino) hiding behind pseudonyms, while their French confreres, Max Pecas and Gilbert Roussel, are less shy.

Italians movie-makers love to rip off American movies. All of our movies, and as often as possible.

I'm not stating that as a slur against Italy as a whole, but I would like to further observe that the Italian film industry does itself great harm by allowing travesties like this to go overseas to be seen by the world at large. That's all I'm saying.

And no more grave injury do the Italian people subject themselves to than by not sticking a harsh penalty upon those who made the world watch "Shark rosso nell'oceano" - which is, admittedly, a ripoff of the far-superior "Jaws" (as if you didn't know).

Let's dive into the plot (Get it? Haw-haw...): this huge monstrous swimming thing that looks like a cross between an octopus, a shark and Steven Tyler attacks many innocent Americans (ie: Italians) off the coast of Florida (ie: Italy) and the intrepid, beer-swilling Peter (Sopkiw) sails out with his anorexic, beer-swilling girlfriend and other beer-swilling people whose main purposes are to be eaten by the creature, killed by mysterious forces who want the creature left alone or just stand around and be otherwise useless (and swill beer)...or be the doctor in this film who defibrilates dying patients repeatedly (20, maybe 30 times in a row) without waiting for his paddles to recharge (must be one heck of a good battery there, doc).

Then there's the monster...brother, if you thought the "Jaws" shark was fake, look herein and have your mind changed IMMEDIATELY.

This is a movie that was directed as an afterthought (by a Bava!), edited with an onion chopper, acted by ambulatory (beer-swilling) pieces of driftwood and written by (PRESUMABLY beer-swilling) people who should never ever ever ever be let near a typewriter, movie studio or major city in the world ever again. If this is how the people who made this film think real people act in such a situation, they've obviously made one too many of them zombie movies. Or swilled too much beer.

Need I say this movie is bad? It is: bad like green cottage cheese; bad like a Hawaiian shirt at a formal wedding; bad like the "Bad Theatre" skits Dan Aykroyd used to host on "Saturday Night Live"; bad like Calista Flockhart Weight Gain Tablets - get it? Good.

Mike and the SOL gang slap this beer-drunk beauty upside the head repeatedly and reveal this "horror" film as what it is: horrible. Though, with a certain European charm: it's charming, when watched by a European - preferably a beer-swilling one.

No stars for the waterlogged, dead fish known as "Shark rosso nell'oceano"; six stars for the MST3K version. ...and now, anyone for a beer?