Night Train to Terror

This is a grab bag of a movie, with all sorts of things to offer as long as you don't expect to see a conventional film in any way, shape, or form. It has gore, nudity, bondage, humor, stupid stuff, smart stuff, and everything in between, AND MORE! I had to cut loose with this one, it's so much weird fun. I have to wonder what it would be like to watch this one on any kind of drugs. What we have is a train carrying a kitschy 1980s new wave band doing some hilariously dated vintage-MTV-style routines. Also on board are God and "Mr. Satan", who are engaged in competition for souls of some other people supposedly on the same train. (Of note also is the small role of the conductor, who has some cool, darkly humorous dialogue.) We get to see the cases of the people whose souls for which God and Satan are vying for, which, in actuality, are three different movies (the unfinished movie "Scream Your Head Off", "Death Wish Club", and "Cataclysm") cut down to size for your warped, brain-numbing enjoyment. Two of these entries feature Charles (a.k.a. Richard, or "Bull" from "Night Court") Moll! My favorite of all the stories is definitely the one that was culled from "Scream Your Head Off", which would've been a cool movie if they would have been able to complete it. What a shame! I swear Richard Moll makes for one memorable psycho in that one. Another thing I love is what God has to say about rock n' roll music! I tell you, if God were this cool, I'd be in church everyday! I dig this whole paste-up movie, as you can tell. It's this wild overload of stimuli, like they were just taking everything weird and off-the-wall they could think of and tossing it into one big, freaky mixing bowl. I admit the "Cataclysm" entry is more sluggish, but it's interesting in a lot of its own ways. (I love the on-air speech Moll gives: "What I'm about to say will cause you pain...") I am glad I was able to find this forgotten extravaganza of stylishly bad cinema for only two dollars, because it is loads of wacky fun.

My review was written in May 1985 after a Times Square screening.

"Night Train to Terror" is a hodge-podge of at least three separate horror films, crudely edited together as an omnibus picture.

Wraparound footage has God (Ferdy Mayne sporting an arresting white beard) and the Devil (Lu Sickler) quarreling on a train over which human souls they will get, giving rise to three case histories. (An inept rock group is also on the train with its souls up for grabs, and irritating musical numbers interrupt the action at random.)

First two cases were filmed circa 1982 by director John Carr and play like excerpts from unfinished features, both presented here with the entire story carried by voiceover narration. John Phillip Law toplines in "Harry", sent to a sanitarium after his car crashes, where mad doctors and a crazed orderly (Charles Moll, of tv's "Night Court" series) use him to pick up pretty girls who are then killed, their organs sold to medical schools. Segment includes lots of nudity, gore and many shots filmed out-of-focus. Next, Meridith Haze portrays "Gretta", an aspiring pianist, duped into joining The Death Club, where jaded folks play fatal, sadistic games.

Finale, apparently shot in 1979 as a feature title "Cataclysm" (which received an R rating in 1981 from the MPAA on its own), is a religious tract in which veteran screenwriter Philip Yordan gets on a soapbox. James Hansen (Charles Moll, again) is a Nobel prize winner who has written a book "God Is Dead" and goes on tv preaching his anti-religion party line. He gets his comeuppance from an ageless Nazi named Olivier who in fact is the devil's emissary. Cameron Mitchell appears as a cop hunting Olivier.

Mishmash features stock footage, including widescreen shots hilariously "squeezed" in an attempt to match the other scenes, plus several stop motion animation monsters that comically battle tiny puppet versions of the cast members.

I remember having seen "Night Train to Terror" on VHS twelve or thirteen year ago when I was a kid.This trippy and disjointed celluloid nightmare was sewn from condensed version of low-budget horror movies "Death Wish Club","Cataclysm" and an at-the-time unfinished 1982 film "Scream Your Head Off".The campy discussions between God and Satan takes place on a train known both as the Heavenly Express and Satan's Canonball since it carries unknowing souls to one or the other destination.In the first story "The Case of Harry Billings" a man is kidnapped and taken to an insane asylum were he is put under hypnosis and lures victims to become tortured and murdered as part of an organ-harvesting operation.The second story "The Case of Gretta Connors" entails two young lovers who become involved in a sinister cult of people fascinated with death.The final story "The Case of Claire Hansen" involves an apprentice to the Devil who is out to destroy mankind and a group of immortals who are out to stop him.Very amusing and and inept horror film perfect for the lovers of cinematic trash.8 out of 10.

Night Train to Terror (1985)

* 1/2 (out of 4)

God and Satan are on board a train where a rock band is playing. The two talk about who is respected more and then we see three separate stories. The first story deals with a man who feels guilty over a drunk driving death that he caused. He finds himself involved in a strange experiment. The second story deals with a medical student who falls in love with a beautiful woman and gets drawn into a strange world of monsters. The final story has a detective (Cameron Mitchell) investigating a murder that leads to a Satanic playboy with special powers.

NIGHT TRAIN TO TERROR is a really, really bizarre little movie with an even more bizarre behind-the-scenes story. The only new footage here are the scenes dealing with the rock band and God and Satan. Everything else is footage taken from three completely different movies. What's so strange is that all three of those movies are available to view in their complete form so it's kind of pointless watching them chopped up to fit 20-30 minute segments.

The biggest problem with this movie is that all three stories are completely confusing and they never make too much sense. THere are so many logical issues with each of the three stories and it's easy to see why because all of them are missing over a hours worth of footage. To say that this film was a complete hack job would be fair and it's also fair to say that the studio was just trying to make some cash out of the previous films that I'm guessing they already owed. Why not cut them down, add a wrap-around story and try to pass it off as something new?

Whatever their reasons were, it's funny to think that NIGHT TRAIN TO TERROR has remained easy to find over the years while the three other complete films (MARILYN ALIVE AND BEHIND BARS, THE DARK SIDE TO LOVE and CATACLYSM) aren't as easy to track down, although THE DARK SIDE OF LOVE was released as a bonus feature for the Blu-ray release of NIGHT TRAIN TO TERROR.

As it stands, this is a pretty hard film to judge simply because of the editing process. The end result is quite poor and it's hard to be entertained by NIGHT TRAIN TO TERROR simply because the stories are so bad as they are presented here. To really judge them you'd need to see the complete films. As it stands, NIGHT TRAIN TO TERROR is pretty bad but the backstory is much more interesting.

Night Train To Terror is a genuine modern classic. It's a three-part horror anthology edited from three movies, two of which were released separately (Cataclysm and The Death Wish Club) and the third of which was never properly finished. It doesn't make any damn sense, although Richard Moll appears in two segments complete with hair.

The stories are hosted by God (played by "Himself," really Ferdy Mayne) and Mr. Satan (played by "Lu Cipher," ha ha indeed) who sit on a train where a terrible breakdancing '80s band plays the same song over and over again. Highlights include, well pretty much everything. The first segment (the unfinished one) is the most extreme, featuring lots of sadistic violence and gratuitous nudity. The second, The Death Wish Club, is the weakest, although it's still basically a series of cheesy, fun death scenes. The third segment, Cataclysm, has been punched up with new footage of badly-animated stop motion monsters throwing dolls of the characters around.

Not one of the three stories is coherent, but the whole thing is immensely entertaining for fans of strange bad movies. Sit down with some friends and some kind of intoxicating substance (by which I obviously mean beer or other alcohol, I wouldn't advise anyone to take anything illegal, no sir) and you'll have a whale of a time with this one.