Diamonds of Kilimandjaro

Jess Franco makes exploitation films, and he has made tons of them. Franco is responsible for some of the most shocking films in cinema history, and god bless him for it. Unfortunately, The Diamonds of Kilominjaro is a truly awful movie that is not up to his usual standards.

Exploitation films should be judged on story, sex, and gore. What else is there? This film fails on most of those benchmarks. The plot is paper thin, placing a nubile young girl in the jungle among cannibals. We really don't get information on why she and her father were there in the first place. As expected, her father is the "Big White Chief" and she becomes a goddess, sitting in trees, naked. Add fortune hunters and precious stones, and you have your basic rescue the girl for greedy intentions plot line. The characters are stock, not adding an ounce of believability to the proceedings.

Gore? None, or at least very little. This film is often mentioned in the same vein as the classic Italian cannibal movies. Those seeking that type of gore need to run the other way. Save for one cheap be-heading, this movie features surprisingly little blood and guts.

As best I can tell the only reason this movie exists is so Katja Bienert, Aliene Mess, and Mari Carmen Neieto could run around naked. Actually "Lita" (Mari Carmen Neieto) does the full frontal heavy lifting, while the two jungle ladies are bare chested throughout. Yes, there are love scenes....probably the most sterile Franco has ever supervised. The women are beautiful, but nothing here to really make this movie an erotic classic either.

This movie just reeks of low budget buffoonery. The sets are laughable. The acting is horrid, and the editing is confusing. There is no real story to hold this together, and not enough of a budget (or effort) to shock or titillate. I think Franco fans have come to expect more out of the master of exploitation.

Diamonds of Kilimandjaro (1983)

* 1/2 (out of 4)

A plane crashes in the jungles of Africa and a little girl survives. Fifteen years later her mother (Lina Romay) sends a search party out looking for her but they've also got their eyes on some priceless jewels. I enjoy these jungle adventure films but this one here dies off after a decent start. There are a few good moments but not enough to really keep the film moving as well as it should. I've heard that Franco didn't shoot all of the material here but it certainly looks like his work.

Jesus Franco made many bad films, and some of the worst were the ones he did with the ultra-cheapskate French outfit Eurocine. This is probably the best of the a bad lot, but it IS a chance to see Franco regular Katja Beinert in a role that might actually be legal by US standards (some of his earlier films with her probably pushed even the much more liberal Continental European age-of-consent laws to the limit). I doubt this movie will appeal too much to the "barely legal" crowd though as Bienert seems to have sprung from the womb with a body that would put any 25-year-old woman to shame, and all she really does is wander around in nothing but a ridiculously low-riding loincloth for most of the film.

Biernert plays a female version of Tarzan who is adopted by a tribe of Africans along with her godfather after their plane crashes in the deep jungle. This tribe is so pathetic that they not only worship a teenage white girl as a goddess, but also make her drunken Scottish stereotype of a godfather their "Big White Chief". The one rebellious tribes-member meanwhile is about the same age as Beinert and looks like Lisa Bonet circa 1987. The "plot" begins when some mercenaries looking for the titular diamonds stumble across the barely-legal white jungle girl. They return with some of her relatives who are planning to kill her to get their hands on the inheritance of her sickly, dying mother (Lina Romay, in a highly unusual role given that it was the height of her hardcore porn career). It would have made a lot more sense to pay the mercenaries to just keep quiet, rather than to follow them into the jungle to kill the girl, but, oh well.

There is much less violence than the earlier Franco/Eurocine cannibal films. The only real sex scenes come courtesy of the luscious mistress (Maria Nieto) of one of Bienert's greedy relatives, who gets so turned on after being nearly eaten by stock footage of a crocodile while skinny-dipping that she drags one of the mercenaries (Anthony Mayans) into the weeds for some afternoon delight while Biernert's character curiously watches them. Mayans, playing the most out-of-shape mercenary in cinema history, later also takes a roll in the hay with the jungle girl but off-screen (probably a good thing as there are already WAY too many shots of his flabby ass in this movie).

This is not good by any stretch of the imagination, but it is a pretty harmless movie (aside from a couple sex scenes and National Geographic-style nudity, it could have gotten a PG rating in America). It has serviceable plot, occasional drama, and a setting that you can sometimes believe is NOT just a European zoo. And it's "Citizen Kane" compared to the other Franco film ("Golden Temple Amazons")it's paired up with in Shriek Show's new "Jungle Girls" box set.

This film is a cheap rip off of King Solomon's Mines and "She." Those books have been done so much better in other films. But this one manages to grab all the tropes from those classics and trot them out in a cheaper version.

Do you want a native tribe protecting jewels Check Do you want a white woman as the tribe's goddess? Check Dp you want a native shaman dancing for the tribe Check Do you want stock footage of a jungle? Check Do you want women running around in skimpy loin cloths? Check.

And when it comes to continuity.... Well, I am sure the director would echo the classic line: "Continuity? Continuity? We don't need no stinking continuity".

So, for example, quick cut to a rhino chasing a jeep. Wait, we didn't get into the jeep yet. Film that. Now add the same cut of the rhino. Don't worry about the first one - no one will notice.

There is just so little to like about this movie.

Ummm. A Jess Franco-movie from the early 80's. So what would you expect? Right: actors incapable of acting, incredibly dumb dialogue and a whole lot of joyful nudity (and downright disgusting sex scenes with totally unattractive guys and girls). Which I regard as absolutely worthwhile and entertaining - but that's just my personal opinion. The story? Story?? oh, well, it's kind of a remake of TARZAN, plus some adventure- and cannibal-stuff. But basically it's about seeing Katja Bienert nude, and it works when it comes down to that. Just realize: she was about 15 or 16 when this film was made, and she was really not very shy. Anyway: go get this one if you're able to find it, but be prepared to feel the urge to throw it in the garbage can once you've seen it. P.S.: This film has been re-issued in 1999 by the german label X-RATED CULT MOVIES, but with a different title: MONDO CANNIBALE 4. Obviously for marketing-reasons. Cause you'd better not expect to watch one of the infamous Euro-Cannibal-flics when you put this in. Franco has done better than this. Katja Bienert has, too. But the jungle has never looked more corny. So ... you get the idea. I like it.