Die sieben glorreichen Gladiatoren

I had the misfortune of seeing this movie at the theater as a kid. We did not come to see this movie, but rather the science fiction film "Dreamscape". Unfortunately, for whatever reason that movie was taken out and this one inserted in its place. Whatever you may think of that movie it was certainly better than this one which seems to be some sort of gladiator version of "The Seven Samurai". Well it is not, it is not even in the caliber of a Conan movie, it is not even in league with the Marc Singer film "Beastmaster". The film just plays out in the most absurd possible way, I saw this under the title "The Seven Magnificent Gladiators" and let me just say that there just not seven gladiators for very long in this film. They drop like flies in this movie with only Lou Ferrigno being a sure survivor. Poor Lou, I am guessing he was hoping he could have a career in acting other than being the powerful Hulk. He just never became the big star Arnold was and you have to feel a bit sorry for him as he was deaf and that impeded his ability to act. Still, I enjoyed his brief performance in "The Incredible Hulk" movie and I hear he did the voice of the Hulk and he did a good job with that as well. Hear, he is dubbed and the movie is just laughable. I laughed at the theater when that one woman gave that one guy the magical sword and he died and the lady who gave him the sword did not really seem that concerned.

Move over Kurosawa and Sturges, Bruno "SS Girls" Mattei has got this. Basically the old Seven Samurai plot reworked for ancient Roman times. A demigod douchebag is terrorizing frightened villagers. So some of the village women go and get a magic sword that only one man can wield (heard that before?). Then they recruit Lou Ferrigno, Brad Harris, sexy Sybil Danning, and a few forgettable types to help fight the villain.

Reunites the stars of Cannon's Hercules movie, released the same year. It's directed with what can only honestly be called a complete absence of talent. Badly acted, badly dubbed, with stunt choreography that appears to have been made up on the spot not unlike my brother & I play fighting as kids using sticks as swords. Filmed in Italy and utilizing actual ruins as sets, this should have at least had some local flavor or scenic appeal going for it. But nope. I wanted to like it in spite of itself, but it's just not that much fun.

The problem with this movie is not that it rehashes the plot of "The Magnificent Seven"; after all, even that movie was a remake of something else ("The Seven Samurai", which I have not seen yet). The problem is that it rehashes it in a plodding and unimaginative fashion. The main difference between the two movies (besides the obviously lower production quality, of course) is that "The Magnificent Seven" were interesting, intelligent and articulate characters; "The Seven Magnificent Gladiators" are 5 primitive muscleheads, a rookie, and a warrior woman (Sybil Danning). The fight scenes are mostly Bud-Spencer-and-Terence-Hill-do-sword-and-sorcery-style. And being this a PG film, it completely lacks any of the blood and nudity usually found in the genre. A sensuous (but brief) female bikini wrestling match is as risqué, and as thrilling, as it gets here, folks (and no, Sybil is not featured in it). (**)

This Italian made, Lou Ferrigno lead remake of Seven Samurai (1954) is the epitome of atrocious.

It tells the Seven Samurai story, tweaked with Gladiators instead of Samurai and instead of excellent it's ruddy awful.

Ferrigno may have been an outstanding human specimen but he was certainly no actor. Surrounded by people honestly not much better, with poor action sequences and an excessively simplified version of the original plot and this is a a travesty.

One for fans of bad films? No. Good films? No. Seven Samurai fans? No. Basically this is for, Ferrigno fans? And hardcore ones at that.

Yikes!

The Good:

Nope

The Bad:

Cringe inducing acting

Cheesy score

The villians outfit, yikes!

Things I Learnt From This Movie:

The Hulk didn't do Ferrigno's physique justice

Nothing on television again and man this is on. Lou (Hulk) in this and man this is so bad that it hurts to watch but I am anyways just to laugh at it. How can the Director and Producers even think that this is something someone would love to watch? So many bad movies that get rated higher.

Not this movie being rated higher but there are. This one is just nothing to praise for it but the acting and playing too much instead of being a serious movie. Who ever likes this has to be completely nuts. No way someone could like it. Lou is terrible actor and okay body builder.

Oh well, they just keep showing bad movies on television. Just like America 3000 is bad too.