Die Chaotenclique

For months I wanted to drive around in a ghetto-fab taxi with rollers in my hair, but ma' wouldn't let me.

No one should ever admit to enjoying this flick, as it is awash in stupidity and dripping in dumbness. It is painfully, dreadfully, wretchedly awful... and I've seen it about 47 times. In short: A tasty hunk of Velveeta, fun to semi-watch while you're vacuuming your carpets or waxing your legs, but tell no one you did.

How many passengers?:

I found Mr. T's character to be the kidney-stone I couldn't wait to pass. And Gary Busey is all kinds of Sam Kinison fun (hint: not fun at all). But everyone else on hand delivers one or two sure-p**ser lines...my personal faves being a fur-coat sporting Marsha Warfield, threatening to beat Denise Gordy's door down and "beat your ass to fried whale-sh*t!" Or the scene stealing Charlie Barnett as roller-headed "Tyrone", jumping up and down on a barn screaming "Bruce Lee! Bruce Lee! I found him! I found that karate muther-f*cker!"

And the always under-appreciated Adam Baldwin, aka 'the only Baldwin that matters' turns in yet another competent performance as Albert "Whitebread Chicken-sh*t" Hockenberry. Plus, I've been finding him kinda dreamy ever since he played the teenage ax-murderer 'Ricky Lindermann" in "My Bodyguard". Forgive me this transgression...

Where to?:

"D.C. Cab" can't make up it's mind whether or not it wants to be a family film or "Animal House" on wheels. But it's far more successful when it's being lewd, crass, and it allows it's precious child actors to spit lines like "you are, a pitiful bitch!"

What do I owe ya?:

This cab is more hoopty than Cadillac, but a fun ride despite all the potholes.

It's vulgar, sexist, racist and extremely stupid in several parts. Perfect family picture.

Any film with Mr. T, Gary Busey and Barney Miller's Det. Wojohovitz as cabbies who try to foil a kidnapping plot, find missing violins and learn all about self-worth is a solid rent, especially when mixed with the "Animal House" slobbery that makes this crass crew so likeable.

Don't go in expecting Preston Sturges. Maybe Laurel and Hardy....

Three stars. And if you want a cabbie to drive you to Hell, travel light.

When I first saw this as a kid I was sort of let down because Mr.T's name and image were all over the ads and what I got was an ensemble piece instead with Adam Baldwin as the lead. My reaction was "huh?".

Watching it again 20 years later and knowing not to get too worked up over Mr. T (c'mon, he had his own cereal for crying out loud) I felt completely different about this film. First of all, I had to put myself back in 1983. Many popular comedies of the day were mostly crude, sexist, racist, homophobic and would make a PC advocate shriek and hide under the bed. I bring this up because Joel Schumacher, an openly gay director, should've known better but since he co-wrote it with someone else I don't know which jokes were his so I'll give him the benefit of the doubt. Porky's, Doctor Detroit and Car Wash are just some examples of this kind of humor. Back to the movie: As a kid I had no idea who they were but today it's kind of cool seeing a young Paul Rodriguez, Patricia Duff (yes, THAT Duff...Ron Perelman's very rich ex), Gary Busey, Marsha Warfield, Irene Cara and Bill Maher when he wasn't gray. Because of the ensemle nature of the movie some shine more than others. I don't even know why Maher is in this movie as he has very little to do. You may laugh at Mr. T's sermonizing (in a very funny but great zoom-out scene involving the Lincoln Memorial no less)but it's refreshing to him delivering the same "make something of yourself" message today. It fits with the theme of the movie. Still, this isn't for little kids because of the naked women and the nature of the humor. A few words on the very underrated Adam Baldwin. He was only 21 in 1983 yet he's the glue that holds this motley crew together. I liked his roles early in his career but I haven't seen him much after "Full Metal Jacket" which is a shame because he holds his own in that too. Working with Kubrick couldn't have been easy. Sure there are problems with this movie, for example a romance between Baldwin and a waitress that doesn't really go anywhere and a thin kidnapping plot but nevertheless, "DC Cab" is an entertaining, feel-good time capsule. A refreshing escape from the mean-spirited, recycled or self contgratulatory comedies Hollywood wants us to pay $10.50 for today. If you think Joel Schumacher's movies are garbage today as I do, check your prejudices at the door. This is way better than Batman & Robin. With "DC Cab", you'll have yourself a new guilty pleasure.

An enjoyable film for 80s buffs and fans of the not-for-everybody 80s screwball comedy. Often juvenile, often exploitative, never meant to be taken seriously, an uneven performance from its lead (particularly an inconsistent accent) and occasional sloppy sentimentality drag the movie down. There are some great turns from bit players, including a young Charlie Barnett and an old Whitman Mayo. Max Gail is solid and Marsha Warfield is thin! The film features some classic lines in addition to allegedly funny lines that will make you cringe. Mostly, the movie is a harmless goof with a touch of idiotic 80s energy. 6.5 out of 10

The 4 erroneous assumptions made in the making of D.C. Cab:

• Casting out of comedy clubs garuantees that said comedians will be funny on-screen as they trample through even the blandest of scripted "comedy".

• Audiences won't mind that Mr T, despite being on the poster, video boxes and all other advertising related to film is actually a small cog in the comedy wheel.

• Devoting a large narrative strand to where-are-they-now?/who-were-they-then? regular Irene Cara will ensure timeless appeal to Irene Cara fans for years to come.

• Idealistic Adam Baldwin is not made of cardboard.

These failings aside, the movie offers a few ace Busey moments (You ever done drugs/I don't remember.).

In short, it's an ensemble comedy, in the same Hollywood line that gave the world Revenge of the Nerds, the Police Academy movies, and Summer School. This movie sits somewhere below these. The cast is a little overcrowded, with too much of the "plot" devoted the weakest parts of the ensemble.

Just out curiosity: How hard is it to write a movie around Mr T or Gary Busey? It seems that too often T is forever looped into heavy-with-a-heart-of-gold roles, while Busey just gets 2nd bananas, villains and maniacs.