Metropolis 2000

****CAUTION: This review is Rated R*** (because of: offensive language, mild drug references, exaggerated violence, a soft erotic sex-scene not mentioned in the review, idiotic nonsense)

What can I say? To give you a good idea of what this movie is all about, I'll try to make my comments as pointless as the movie itself. The plot? There is none. But there is a premise: In 2019 the Nuclear Apocalypse has happened. The Templars are a group of violent nut-cases driving modified 'futuristic' looking cars that would make the vehicles in MAD MAX 2: THE ROAD WARRIOR turn around by themselves, drive to the nearest Nuke & Repair Auto-shop and go into hiding until this film is over. The Templars wardrobe and hairdo's are a nightmare to every designer with at least a single notion of good taste, or (depends on the way you look at it) a dream-come-true to fashion-experts high on Swedish designer-drugs. The Templars simply look THAT hilarious. You won't believe your eyes!

The Templars are on a mission, apparently... A simple mission at that too: This world is dead. So, accordingly, everybody in it must die too (except themselves, of course).

The characters in I NUOVI BARBARI have all remarkable, profound-sounding names (like Scorpion, Shadow, Father Moses, One,...). Scorpion is the loner-hero. As much as the Templars have no reason for killing everybody, Scorpion has absolutely no reason for being a hero. As well as Fred Williamson has no reason to be in this flick. All he does is drive around in his amazing buggy, give Scorpion some sort of Jedi-like training during his revalidation and shoot explosive arrows (and boy, do they go "booom!" indeed).

Now, it has been a while since I had so much fun with a very wrong movie like I NUOVI BARBARI. Most of the movie consists of superb (?) action-sequences of the Templars driving and crashing their cars. With a lot of amazingly (?) shot, but utterly pointless slow-motion shots.

The two main attractions of this movie are:

-- The cars: The vehicle's designs are simply mind-boggling. I can not put it any other way. Most of them even have very vicious 'boobie-traps', such like: grenade-launchers, ultra-long drills coming out of the front-grid, car-doors that launch themselves and explode on impact, flame-throwers (of course) and my personal favorite: a circular saw, expanding from the side of the car which decapitates innocent civilians running for their lives.

-- Claudio Simonetti's completely warped musical score: I have simply no idea on how he did it, but he came up with his most spaced-out compositions I've ever heard from the man. It sounds like he might have dropped some extremely nasty LSD and then went nuts on his Korg Analog Sequencer. I tell you: this is a milestone in Soundtrack History. Echo's of Pierre Henry's pioneers-work in electronic music can be heard in Simonetti's score. As well as sounds and bleeps still used by todays electro-acts like Tosca and Autechre (to name only two totally unrelated ones of the so many). His score is motivationally groovy, pulsatingly warped, hauntingly electronic, strangely rocking and almost unbearably dripping with 80's cheese. And will you just please listen to the many completely unworldly sound-effects? Simply every machine or electronic device (from the cars over the guns to broadcasting equipment) makes completely undefinable noises. I will go on a frantic quest in search for this soundtrack on CD. Simply must have it!

Other highlights of this movie are undoubtedly the many various ways to blow people up (often in slow-motion too): Full body-explosions. Head-explosions. Chest-explosions,... One scene even has a guy riding a motorcycle with his head blown off for several seconds! And then there's this one incomprehensible torture-scene: The Templars have captured Scorpion and they're gonna make him die like a Templar. He's hanging in chains on some metal device. Then, George Eastman lashes out with 'something' at Scorpion's body. Then it looks like he is opening his pants (!) ready to give him the ass-f#@k of his life (!!) while some other prominent Templar seems to be holding up a sword ready to chop off Scorpion's head (!!!). I mean, WTF $@%#?!?! Only, you absolutely can't tell for sure what is going on in that scene, because the editor starts cutting up every shot with strangely framed pointless shots while Simonetti's wildly psychedelic sounds come on again. I had no clue what the hell was going on there, other than what I previously told I got out of it.

I just mentioned the utterly pointless framing, right? Well, the cinematographer was very persistent about that technique. Consistently throughout the whole movie, he keeps framing his shots with complete pointlessness. Most shots are often zoomed-in too closely on the action (whether the action be just people talking or cars crashing into something; doesn't matter). Resulting often in the viewer feeling the urge to try and look left or right of the TV-screen to see more of the action. But of course, the viewer then finds himself, very annoyingly, staring at his TV-speakers. Completely puzzling, the way they shot this film.

And to round it up with a final message this film seems to be carrying: Drugs are bad, okay? I don't know if George Eastman's character's superior visions initially came from using drugs too much, or his megalomaniac ramblings were already there to begin with, and they simply got enhanced by doing the stuff. One scene has him smoking the (probably radio-active) green herbs while getting even more high on himself, listening to his OWN recorded voice (on a tape) declaring nonsensical philosophies. You just gotta dig that. Simply hilarious, again.

Vomitron's final judgment: Was this a fun flick?: Hell yes, baby!!! Dig it, or don't! 8/10 Was it a good movie?: Geeezz... What do ya think? 2/10 That leaves us with an average rating of 5/10. Way to go Enzo G. Castellari!

I only write reviews of movies with low rating, which actually are not that bad. Give them a chance!

Yes, they tried to make another Mad Max and yes, they failed. But, the movie is still watchable and good in some parts. Vehicles are SO BAD that they actually look like the apocalypse happened! Nothing can be perfect when you have nothing! So I find this great! :) Acting is OK, Fred is great choice. Fighting scenes are bad, but if we look at the budget...

Don't expect much and you will watch it to the end, especially if you like post-apocalyptic movies as I do.

5.5/10

This is a crash-budget spaghetti-western (with open references to films by Sergio Leone) disguised as a post-apocalyptic action film ala "Mad Max" or "Escape From New York". Apparently the whole world has been reduced to gravel-pits, because the whole film takes place in one after another of these - a sure sign the budget allowed for zero set design. There's no point in trying to pretend it's a good film.

However, I should note that there is some good in it; whether enough to warrant a viewing is debatable - let the buyer beware.

First and foremost is that the director, having decided he was going to make an action film using only funds and resources he had at hand, has done a rather remarkable job of keeping up traditional action-film pacing throughout the film. This is largely thanks to camera angles and editing. We get rapid intercuts between close-ups of struggling hands, full-shots of bodies blowing apart, long shots of an over-all battle area - with very little excessive flashiness masquerading as 'art'. These guys intend to sell some tickets, period (and, at the time of 1st release, were actually successful at it). These film-makers either know what they're doing or are really trying to learn what to do (more likely). They certainly deserve points for effort.

Although the characters are all one-dimensional, the actors manage to flesh them out somewhat, even Fred Williamson. And the cars are silly and kind of fun in a dumb way. But it's really the pacing that saves the film.

Hey, it's late at night, you had to work over-time, you're over-tired, you wanna crash with a cold drink and numb out before a forgettable action picture - well, this could be the one.

THE NEW BARBARIANS (aka: WARRIORS OF THE WASTELAND) takes us to a post apocalyptic world, where survivors attempt to... well, survive, while a band of big-haired brigands, known as the Templars, rattle about in their rickety vehicles, made out of old furnaces.

Apparently, in the year 2019, poof-y Mohawks are all the rage, and normal people drive cars covered in dryer duct hoses. Led by the eeevil One (George Eastman) and his Cowardly Lion lookalike henchman, Shadow (Thomas Moore), the Templars seek to destroy anything resembling civilization.

Enter Scorpion (Timothy Brent), the rugged, TV preacher-haired "antihero" of the wasteland. His car not only has dryer duct hoses, but also sports a huge, obviously cool, plastic bubble on top! Scorpion is joined by the permanently glum Alma (Anna Kanakis), and the magnificently dressed Nadir (Fred Williamson). Together, they must discover how the Templars keep their outfits so clean and white.

This movie is the gloriously preposterous imitation of THE ROAD WARRIOR, that plays like a near perfect parody thereof! Everything about it is hilarious, from the clothes, to the dialogue, to the characters, to the utter cheapness of it all!

Since the real ROAD WARRIOR already told the tale, THE NEW BARBARIANS only wants to dazzle us with the audaciousness of its mimicry. This produces a dreamlike state, wherein viewers believe they might have seen this all before... somewhere.

BEST SCENES: #1- Any scene with dummies exploding or being decapitated! #2- Every scene featuring those wonderful clunkers of the Templars, complete with impossible gadgets and weaponry! #3- The final showdown, complete with Scorpion wearing a poncho, Clint Eastwood style, Nadir's endless supply of arrows, and Bob, the tragically aggravating kid from THE HOUSE BY THE CEMETERY!

This movie provides everything our bodies and minds could possibly need!...

OK. First of all this movie is one of the better B-movies I have seen for awhile. It is a cheap Italian knockoff of "Road Warrior". However, Mel Gibson has been replaced by a major phuckin ham of an actor and Fred Williamson is hilarious. The outfits are utterly retarded, especially those of the bad guys. Was I supposed to be scared of these guys? They dress like rejects from an Andrew Lloyd Weber show and their vehicles are golf carts covered in aluminum foil. Plus there must be some Weirdo,Italian thing going on that I don't understand. Why are the bad guys all Puritan, vigilante homosexuals? One of the more entertaining scenes is one our hero is captured and boned in the rump as initiation for execution, mainly because it is the weakest cinematographic displays of the movie. For a B-movie, this film has just about everything:Bad special effects, bad acting, lame plot, weak characters, crappy dialogue, Casio keyboard soundtrack, Fred Williamson, and way too many cliches. Rent it, get some cheap beer, and watch it with some friends for a good laugh.