Der Dritte bringt den Tod

For thirty-three years I'd been jonesing to see THE TEACHER, grindhouse auteur Hikmet Avedis' homage to THE GRADUATE, which somehow eluded me during its original Times Square run. Blessed is the patient schlock film fan, for his forbearance shall be rewarded. Thanks to the miracle of DVD and the munificence of BCI Eclipse, I finally caught up with this much-touted jewel in the Crown International catalog, and am pleased to report that it was all that and a bag of Swavorski rhinestones. Like its contemporary, THE GODFATHER: PART II, THE TEACHER is daring in its narrative structure. Unlike the Coppola film it's also ludicrous in the extreme, but then you can't have everything. Part leering soft-core romp, part tender coming-of-age drama, part stalk-and-chill suspenser, the movie's mismatched ingredients come together to form a blissfully surreal, silly whole.

The cast list alone makes it deserving of enshrinement in the Psychotronic Hall of Fame.

First and foremost, there's top-billed and bottom-perfect Angel Tompkins as a middle schooler's fantasy come to life, the hubba hubba homeroom teacher who just happens to be freshly divorced, hot to trot, and living right down the block. Charming and sensitive, Tompkins gives a performance that goes above and beyond the call of booty. She invests the role with such persuasive passion that one can almost believe her attraction to a most unlikely lust object: Jay North, the actor formerly known as Dennis the Menace, age twenty-two, sporting a double chin, a perpetual smirk, a Little Lord Fauntleroy page boy, and no discernible acting talent. To his credit, North is in the moment and then some during several graphic clinches with Angel.

Mr. Wilson would have been aghast. Or green with envy. I was both.

The call sheet also includes such bizarro world superstars as Med Flory (Worshefski, the bullying football player, in THE NUTTY PROFESSOR) as North's bullying father, Barry "Janos Skorzeny" Atwater as a snoopy sheriff, BURNT OFFERING's Anthony James as a psycho stalker, and in WTF-writ large cameos, Katherine "Mother of John" Cassevetes and Lady "Mother of Gena" Rowlands as a pair of chattering restaurant patrons.

A hot-looking female teacher seduces a student while a psycho stalks them. In a plot that is not grounded in reality, the most implausible element is that this beautiful teacher practically throws herself at the doofus student but he avoids her like a scared puppy. Former child star North is terrible as the clueless student. Tompkins, a B-movie actress of the 1970s, is gorgeous and sexy as the "older" woman trying to impart carnal knowledge. She also gives a pretty good performance and is the main reason for watching this low-budget film. James is creepy as the psycho, but serves more as comic relief than as a scary villain.

"The Teacher" is every teenage boy's fantasy come true!! I have previously owned it on VHS video and currently await receipt of the film on DVD. I found the casting of 1950's tv child star Jay North (Dennis The Menace) to be a real surprise. It was however, a bigger surprise to see how his acting career had managed to continue up to this time, since he had certainly outgrown the effectiveness he had displayed as a troublesome small boy!! Angel Tompkins is competent and believable in the title role. The only thing that stretches believability is that a stunning and intelligent woman like her would be interested in a teenage boy!! Not to mention that she would be willing to risk her career and reputation!! The subplot involving a psychotic admirer of the teacher, played by Anthony James, seems out of place and drags down the film's breeziness somewhat. Most every teenage boy has probably admired an older woman, not unlikely a teacher, but more likely than not, few have ever had the opportunity to become involved with one!! The film touches on this quite realistically, but ultimately, the wrap-up is disappointing, unexpected and abrupt. In reality, most older women would find most teenage boys too immature for them and wouldn't give them the time of day. This film takes exception to that. Amazingly enough, "The Teacher" was sort of re-made in 1984, by the same director, as "They're Playing With Fire". It starred Sybil Danning and Eric "Private Lessons" Brown. In my opinion, it was even more unbelievable and unrealistic and at least as far as I am concerned, far inferior. I can certainly recommend "The Teacher" to every man who, as a teenager, ever admired an older woman, even a teacher!!

After his last day in a Southern California high school, shyly cute virgin Jay North (as Sean Roberts) goes out with a friend to spy on beautifully-figured Angel Tompkins (as Diane Marshall). Also watching the topless young teacher is psychotic Anthony James (as Ralph Gordon). The sleazy-looking stalker is in love with Ms. Tompkins. They (and we) get to see Tompkins rubbing her naked upper body with suntan lotion. Then, a tragic accident occurs as North's friend falls off a warehouse tower. The luckless lad is also the little brother of Mr. James, who blames North for the incident. Tompkins, who is no longer North's teacher, seduces him. This makes James jealous...

The three main characters proceed through the story without rhyme or reason. Considering how haphazardly writer-director Howard Avedis presents the action; they often appear, understandably, lost. The main reason to watch is seeing Tompkins topless. She's never convincing as a teacher or "older woman," but the show stops every time Tomkins takes her shirt off. Her upturned assets are highly appealing. North gets bits of genuine acting in here and there, but it's an aimless effort. Far from his famous "Dennis the Menace" role, North appears to enjoy himself as an "R-rated" movie star. Inexplicably popping in and out, James suffers most from the production's overall weaknesses.

***** The Teacher (5/29/74) Howard Avedis ~ Angel Tompkins, Jay North, Anthony James, Marlene Schmidt

One of the handful of pictures made by Hikmet Avedis, a classifiable low-budget director of not-quite schlock and drive-in flicks, The Teacher is ostensibly about a 28 year old teacher (lovely Angel Tompkins)- the hottie of the town without a husband as he's a drifter/biker somewheres- who bonds with the shy 18 year old former student neighbor (1/2 dimensional Jay North) and start up a passionate affair. This part of the story is basically more or less just a Penthouse letter extended to feature length (and, oddly enough for a drive-in flick, the amount of sex is actually shown to a minimum, above the belt as it were). What makes it just a little bit more interesting, if also insane, is the character Ralph (crazy-eyed Anthony James), who comes off like a 2nd string James Bond villain missing a couple of acting classes.

He's weird and a snoop, with an obsession with Diane holding a torch for her unofficially while also trying to hunt down Sean after the death of his younger brother. It seems stranger still why Ralph would be so distraught over his brother's death when all Ralph seems to do is sit in his warehouse by the harbor, take out a pair of binoculars from his coffin (which comes out of the mysterious hearse he drives around) which also has a rifle. But he's a villain nonetheless, creeping up at pretty much any instance Sean and Diane are out, or even while they're on her boat making love as he creeps up like a Z-grade Aquaman.

If nothing else his ridiculous performance of an even sillier, deranged cat makes it watchable, when all else is just kind of mundane romance (North especially can barely act his way out of a paper bag, at least Tompkins has her sex appeal). It's nothing very special, or memorable, but if the title ever came up in conversation it would be fun to wax poetic about Anthony James as Ralph, or to contemplate the ways it could make a decent self-made MST3K feature.