Frankenstein '80

Trashy, sleazy, campy, exploitative and – of course – extremely pointless Italian version of the classic Frankenstein story. It's a variation on the traditional Mary Shelley tale, with some deranged additional ideas and awkward erotic undertones. The Italians tried to achieve this sort of concept before already with "Lady Frankenstein" and admittedly that was a much better and more memorable film than this cheap and amateurish attempt at making a motion picture. But still, that doesn't mean this piece of junk isn't good entertainment. The plot actually isn't too bad. Dr. Schwarz (which, I'm sure, is German slang for Dr. Penis) just invented a breakthrough serum that prevents donor organs from getting rejected by the patient's body after a transplant. This happens to be exactly what his vicious colleague Dr. Frankenstein needs in order to fix up his pet monster Mosaic. The serum disappears from Dr. Schwarz' laboratory and corpses start to pile up as Mosaic goes out on nightly strolls. The local police commissioner forbids his men to smoke until the case is solved (!) and another guy – a reporter who assigns himself private investigator – search for the serum to save his dying sister. "Frankenstein 80" is a hilariously amusing film, but probably not like its creators intended it. Ferdinando De Leone (although I suspect it was actually Fernando Di Leo; a prominent name in the Italian horror industry) and director Mario Mancini penned down a truly ludicrous script with the most one-dimensional character imaginable, absurd plot twists and the utmost imbecilic dialogs ever. Technically speaking, this is a laughably inept production as well. More than three quarters of the film is poorly lit, the make-up effects clearly cost less than a dollar and the editing appeared to have been done with a blending machine. The pacing is unspeakably uneven! The entire story is pretty much told after an hour already, but then still comes a lot of tedious filler-footage, like an overlong and dull striptease act, a full formula one race and even the complete development of a romance. The monster stumbles around until he literally passes his due date, which is interesting but not very thrilling.

What a bunch of hooey! There are so many plot holes that one could write a book. I loved that there was big bottle in the refrigerator with the secret serum used to help in transplant surgeries. Then there is some of the worst acting that can be imagined. The characters deliver their lines and wait a half second for the next person to respond. Did anyone notice that the doctor's name was Frankenstein? There is lots of gratuitous sex and violence. It gets pretty bad. I guess old Dr. F. should have left one part out of the mix. The monster is quite formidable, I can give you that.

Two of the strangest parts are the police and the the hero. The police are a bunch of idiots who are more concerned that they can't smoke until the case is closed. The guy who plays the lead is spookier than the monster. He has that real 80's look and wears a funny little hat when he is out and about. This has a few moments of violence that keep one interested, but beyond that, it's just not very good.

This is yet another of a strange series of films that attempted to combine Frankenstein's monster and eroticism (because, of course, nothing is more sexy than a monstrous amalgamation of reanimated dead tissue). Naturally, this cycle of films was mostly Italian with some German and American co-productions here and there (and Spaniard Jess Franco making his typically insane contribution with "The Erotic Rites of Frankenstein"). The best of these films was probably "Flesh for Frankenstein" with honorable mention going to "Lady Frankenstein". This is probably the worst--or at least the most offensive--film of the cycle.

Dr. Frankenstein has stolen a formula from another doctor that prevents the rejection of transplanted organs. For reasons that eluded me in the English language soundtrack, he uses it to create a reanimated monster he calls "Mosaic". "Mosaic" is the horniest Frankenstein monster ever. All he does is bone women--sometimes literally: he brains his first victim, a female butcher, with a giant bone then has his way with her lifeless body. This movie is more ridiculous than offensive though. Like when the monster steals money from the doctor to buy a prostitute, who he ends up raping and strangling anyway.

The movie has a couple washed up American and English actors (Jon Richardson and Gordon Mitchell). The monster is a played by a Greek wrestler with scarry goop plastered on his face (which strangely doesn't seem to alarm any of the women he encounters). The women all have nice bodies, but are otherwise bordering on unattractive. The only recognizable face is Dalila DiLazzaro, an Italian beauty who actually got to play the bride of Frankenstein the very next year in "Flesh for Frankenstein", and went on to appear in "Night Train Murders", "The Pyjama Girl Case", and Dario Argento's "Phenomenon", all of which are infinitely better movies than this one. This is only for die-hard Frankenstein sex fans I'm afraid.

Frankenstein '80 (1972)

** 1/2 (out of 4)

Italian horror film has a nice scientist creating a formula that will allow organs to have a better rate at living in a new body but the evil Dr. Frankenstein steals it so that he can create a human who turns out to be a sexual predator who goes on a killing rampage. If you like goofy, gory and sex filled Italian horror films then you'll probably enjoy this one for some mindless entertainment. The story is pretty stupid and familiar but I liked the added touches of gore and sex. The monster has a thing for beautiful women so this leads to several nudity filled scenes with the monster attacking women both sexually and physically. The film drags in certain areas and goes on a bit too long but overall exploitation freaks should enjoy it.

After years of work, Professor Schwarz (Roberto Fizz) has perfected his life-saving transplant serum. He keeps a bottle of the priceless serum, known cryptically as "The Schwarz Serum", in the staff fridge. Shockingly, the concoction is stolen within minutes!

Meanwhile, the world's ugliest man (Xiro Papas) is murdering women and removing their vital organs. The police are baffled.

FRANKENSTEIN '80 is a preposterous Italian horror film. Apparently made for no other reason than to show various bloody organ removals, the testicle transplant is a "highlight".

WARNING: Contains violent liver theft, nudity, garbled monster chatter, nudity, and icky monster love!

Highly recommended for those who seek to watch every movie ever made with the name Frankenstein in the title. All others may want to look elsewhere...