Auf und nieder - ich könnt schon wieder

It's not clear what the intent was with HETERO SEXUALIS, an exhaustingly dumb comedy populated by beautiful soft (and hard) adult movie actresses. Character actor Michael Pataki got caught up in this mess and exudes considerable flop sweat in advancing an unworthy cause.

Setting is a sort of boarding house/nursing home run by mean Miss Victor (Betty Mitchell of THE BLACK ALLEY CATS). Motley crew includes a heavily made-up dying man Mr. Griffin who's a vampire (looks like Pataki), semi-retarded (or is it just how Pataki plays the role) lead Virgil, and an ailing beauty Emily (the nipple queen of porn Lynn Harris), who is attended to by lesbian nurse Candy Samples. Though the edge is taken off by the softcore format, film's porn highlight is Candy inserting a huge cucumber into Lynn's posterior and then getting ready to masturbate with a super-sized salami - neither of these insertions is visible.

Cast overacts and talks dirty in a slapstick format, when all the fans at adult houses showing this film wanted was some stimulating sex scenes to watch. Coming off best is cute Becky Sharpe as Marylou, an ingénue whose big talent for breaking into Hollywood is unfortunately just tap dancing. Writer-director John Hayes sets up tapping as an aphrodisiac for perhaps his best running gag.

Pataki's highlight is his trotting out an extended verbal Richard Burton impression - I enjoyed this for the sheer novelty of such an off-the-wall inclusion in a porn film. Extremely corny conclusion has guys in white coats (one doffs his to contribute male full-frontal-nudity to the proceedings) arriving to take Miss Victor to the funny farm.