Der Bohrmaschinenkiller

Which tool will he use next and how?

Not in the toolbox, a vibrator used in a highly erotic scene

Fun.

"The Toolbox Murders" is a late-'70s slasher flick that I watched some years ago and could remember nothing about. That's probably not a good sign.

I will say one thing for it: it's sleazier than most. Three girls disrobe in the opening twenty minutes. The last one gets fully naked and stays that way for a decent stretch. We also watch her masturbate in a bathtub.

The killer has a pretty lame mask. Hell, Michael Myers' was just a painted William Shatner mask they got at a joke shop, and it became iconic. The one in this movie is just a woollen ski mask.

The movie does have a decent gimmick, though, which is alluded to in the title. Yes, the killer uses a toolset to dispatch his victims, first a claw hammer, then a nailgun - which is used much more convincingly than the one in "The Nailgun Massacre", even if they forgot to tell the actress playing the victim to look scared while he uses it.

But get this: for the third victim, the killer just smothers her with his hands! Was the toolbox too heavy or something?

The protagonist seems to be a guy who looks like a third-rate Luke Skywalker clone whose 15-year-old sister is kidnapped, presumably by the killer. He doesn't appear too worried. He teams up with a guy who looks a bit like John Stamos, but less charismatic. They decide to do some snooping of their own to find the kidnapped girl, and discover a vibrator in the masturbating woman's house, as if to underline what a sex freak she was (?).

The movie then makes the regrettable decision of revealing the killer's identity to us. Some slasher movies do this, granted, but here it seemed unnecessary. We get a long, boring scene with the unmasked killer and the kidnapped girl.

He seems to talk about the masturbating woman from before. Apparently he's some kind of religious crazy who wants to punish women for doing "unnatural" things, like masturbating. How did he even know she did that?

And if the movie is just going to show us the killer's identity, what was the point of the mask, which certainly wouldn't have helped his homicidal efforts? The only people who see him get killed. Anyone else would have been immediately suspicious seeing a man with a mask running around. If not for that, probably nobody would have even noticed him.

There's also a "twist" at the end which is so out-of-nowhere that you just feel cheated. A "good" character turns evil. Why? They don't even bother giving you a shot of him making the revelation of what's supposed to be the turning point. And what a turnaround. It just feels stupid and tacked on.

Then there's a laughable text-edit ending that tells you the movie was based on a true story and what happened to the characters in real life or some such garbage. Sometimes when a movie is supposed to be "based on a true story" I actually look it up to see if that's really the case. This time, I don't think I'll bother.

"Banned since 1982" screams the video box. After sitting through an hour and a half of this crud you'll be lining up to have it banned for another twenty years. Not because it's controversial, too violent, or objectionable in any way (except perhaps aesthetically), but simply to save your fellow movie watchers from having to experience this incoherent, pointless mess. And it is a MESS. Badly written, directed and acted, with no redeeming features. And I LIKE horror folks.

The first 20 minutes or so features a series of murders of young women by various items from a toolbox - drill, hammer, nail gun,etc. (why a toolbox you ask? Good question...). The victims are all attractive and seem to share a taste for MOR country music. The killer wears a ski mask and sometimes hums to himself. (Maybe he's a country purist and is offended by their lack of Hank Williams?)

Anyway, after that the movie rapidly gets duller and duller, a girl gets kidnapped, some inept cops investigate the murders and are baffled, even though you'll pick the killer as soon as you see him. B-grade legend Cameron Mitchell hams it up sucking a lollipop and singing spirituals, and the faceless supporting cast are as bad as the stinker of a script. If you haven't seen 'The Toolbox Murders' well, you haven't missed anything much. Not even bad enough to be funny.

I heard about this film at the start of last year and instantly became deeply intrigued by it. I was overjoyed to see it finally released on the 'VIPCO' video label (here in the UK) but, alas, this all seemed to be in vain. I guess overall it was somewhat of a bathos and failed to rouse any serious interest in me whatsoever. The acting was, at the best of times, marginal and the plot...let's say it wasn't exactly ground-breaking: At the same time though I doubt that director Dennis Donnelly (who has also worked on episodes of 'Dallas' and 'Airwolf'...if I recall from my childhood) was attempting to change the world with the tale of a deranged Ski-mask wearing killer wielding, amongst other items, nail guns and chisels. The killings portrayed are rather nasty and bloody but, as I am now aware, are slightly cut here in the UK. I doubt (sincerely) that if they were shown in their entirety it would have made any valuable difference.

Perhaps what I found most disturbing about the film itself was the general visual aspect ( - vague I find you asking yourselves). The film looks very much dated now, which for some may not be a problem but it tended to make me feel decidedly 'sickly'. By this I mean that it just reminds me far too much of photos from my childhood *shudders*...with its ghastly floral interiors and fashion sense. I guess this is just a reflection of my own personal dislike towards nostalgia and is no serious reason to comment negatively on the film.

To conclude, 'The Toolbox Murders' is a tedious and poor (sorry to be harsh) horror flick at best. At times it appears to imitate Tobe Hoopers classic 'The Texas Chainsaw Massacre' in the sense that the film was, allegedly, based on 'real' events. It also follows a fairly congruous and typical narrative: a series of murders followed by an abduction and, inevitably, torture...only to have the attractive protagonist narrowly escape death. The fact that 'The Toolbox Murders' focuses on the notion of the 'family-gone-wrong', a la 'The Texas Chainsaw Massacre', or Pete Walkers 'Frightmare', for example, only seems to strengthen this argument more. The main problem: it falls flat on its face in trying to do so. I consider myself to be a die-hard horror film aficionado but this was just unfulfilling; certainly not to be mistaken as a 'cult classic'.

The Toolbox Murders starts out with 20 minutes or so of grisly and very well done kill scenes, all of which involve tools. If you like violence, then you'll love the introduction of this film. I personally don't have a preference when it comes to nudity in horror films (since it's overdone and pointless 90% of the time), but if you're a sucker for that sort of thing, then you'll appreciate the introduction to this film for that as well. After the kills are complete, however, many people will be bored by the lack of action that takes place on screen until the final moments of the movie. The middle portion of this movie is a lot of talk with little or no gore. I didn't mind this, because I found the dialog between the killer and the kidnapped girl to be very interesting. "What's it like?" the killer asks, referring to dying. The girl responds that "everything is purple, like a lollipop, and you can't see God, and there are people flying around, and you can see all of their thoughts, and you know the answers to all of their questions, but you can't answer them because nobody can talk." I enjoyed listening to this conversation, and although I'm sure I didn't get it word for word, there is something creative and maybe even worthy in here. Lots of people complain that the acting in this movie is terrible. These people cannot be horror buffs, as I have seen countless other films in which the acting is much MUCH worse. I would go as far to say that the acting in this film is very decent. If you have the attention span to sit through 'slower' moments of this film, then you'll find something to enjoy in it. I give The Toolbox Murders an 8/10.