KISS in Attack of the Phantoms

I'm no KISS lover, nor am I a KISS hater; I suppose I'm a bit of a casual fan. I am however, a lover of movies of the genre that is sometimes called "Inexplicable." KISS Meets The Phantom (Of the Park) is such a movie. A real head-scratcher. You'll be scratching your head so damn much your scalp will start to flake. I think this movie keeps Head and Shoulders in business.

KISS star as themselves (Sort of, they are the band KISS, but they only refer to themselves as "The Demon" or "Space Ace" and so on), in a, well, really, a TV movie, but even then, that doesn't explain how poor the quality is. TV movies look better than this, heck, most after school specials have this beat. Anyway, KISS is playing 3 days of concerts at an unamed amusement park (In reality, Magic Mountain in California), and in between their 2-song concerts (That's as much as we see anyway), they fight the evil shenanigans of an evil inventor who works in a secret lab underneath the park.

Although I can't recall him ever being referred to in the film as "The Phantom" I have to assume he is the titular character. He certainly doesn't wear pink tights and fire pistols; though that probably would have pepped up the plot, which is droll and inane to say the least.

Here's the main problem. Amongst the opening credits you will prominently see displayed as Executive Producer one Joseph Barberra, famous for the Hanna Barberra cartoons. You will also notice a lot of musical cues and story elements that seem plucked right out of bad episodes of Scooby-Doo, Super Friends, Josie and the Pussycats and others. I'm not reaching here, a lot of sounds and music are exactly the same. Basically, the film is a live action Hanna Barberra cartoon, complete with terrible laser beam eye blasts and fire breath (One time you can see the physical edges of the effect, not a proud moment for Gene). This movie could have worked as a cartoon, or as a KISS movie about, I dunno, a concert. Instead its A Hard Days Scooby, and a poor one at that.

KISS certainly don't help their cause, Gene is really the only one who seems comfortable in his non-performance scenes, and he's hindered by a weird reverb effect on his voice that makes him almost impossible to understand. Ace and Paul are both more wooden than George Washington's teeth, and "The Cat" sounds an awful lot like Duke from GI Joe (His voice having been redubbed in post because, well, it was bad). In one scene, Ace is also clearly a stunt double, who's...well, black. In another, he's Asian. Oops.

I know I've made it sound awful but...well, okay so it's awful. But KISS Meets The Phantom often achieves that rare goofy quality of a movie that isn't so much bad, as it is completely insane and way off base. It's not as funny as a Plan 9, or a Gymkata, but it is worthy of at least one viewing with a big crowd of rowdy friends.

Yes, the movie is horrible, and yes it is an embarrassment. However, if you grew up with KISS in the 1970's this movie will be very near and dear to your heart. The fact that this movie was even made is a testament to the KISS phenomenon of the 70's. It isn't so much a movie as it is a magical moment in time captured.

I can remember in 1978 when this movie came out. It was aired on October 29th, just 2 days before Halloween. The anticipation for this movie was kind of like being a kid at Christmas time. You know on Tuesday of this week that Rudolph is on Friday of next week. The days can't go by quick enough, and you anxiously await for it to finally air. Well finally, it did. At 12 years old, and being a huge KISS fanatic, that was the best movie ever. I can remember the next day, every kid in the neighborhood talking about the movie, and for about a week, playing KISS vs their robot doubles. To the hard core KISS fan, the tunes rocked. Rock And Roll All Nite started off the opening credits. Again....at 12 years old, it was magic.

Now enter 8 years later. The age of the VCR's, and cable TV. I had noticed in TV Guide that KISS Meets The Phantom of the Park was going to be on....next week. Just like 1978, I had to go through the anticipation phase again. But the night finally came, and I had the VCR and brand new tape all set. My movie finally aired. I watched it.......and it was totally and completely one of the most dumbest movies I had ever seen in my life. Needless to say....the movie didn't have the same impact on me as it did 8 years prior. I had come to realize that aside from wasting my money on a blank tape, I had just wasted 2 hours of my life that I will never be able to get back. The songs were still great, and the concert footage was good, but the acting was absolutely horrible. At least Gene went on to do a couple better movies a few years down the road(Runaway, Wanted Dead or Alive).

Because of this disappointment I experienced, I had come to the decision that I would never buy this video. I have since seen it on Ebay, record stores, movie stores, etc. And for cheap money at that. But I know deep down inside I'll either never watch it, or I'll start to watch it and get bored rather quickly. I find it better to hold it as a childhood memory.

In a note to the previous posting about Peter Criss' voice being re-dubbed because it was awful.....perhaps. The real reason is (as stated by Paul Stanley of KISS in the KISS home video Extreme Closeup)...the reason for the different voice is because....after the filming of the movie, the band had to go back to the studio to do what was called looping (re-taping their voices). Peter Criss would never show up, so another person had to do his voice.

KISS MEETS THE PHANTOM OF THE PARK... what a film! I first encountered this film as a Movie-Of-The Week on TV when I was about nine years old. I thought it was great then, of course, because back then (late '70s) ANYTHING Kiss-related was "great." When I saw it again years later on the late movie I found it hard to keep my drink from spraying out of my nose while I laughed hysterically through the entire movie. I ran out and found the movie on VHS the next day and spent many a happy Saturday night during college exposing my friends to this underrated gem. It became a surrogate "Rocky Horror" midnight movie for the metal heads in my dorm. The other posts on this movie have already beaten the "plot" (or lack thereof) to death so I don't need to berate it any further. Let's just say this: the script is hilariously bad, as are the performances, the special effects, etc., etc. But for KISS fans this is mandatory viewing at least once. In fact, I use this film as a litmus test when speaking to other KISS fans to find out how hardcore they are. I ask "Have you seen KISS MEETS THE PHANTOM?" and if they answer "Yes," I ask "How many times?" If the answer is more than five times, then I know I'm in the company of a hardcore member of the KISS Army. The band may hate this movie (I believe they even sued a DVD distributor recently for releasing the film on DVD and had it taken out of circulation) but I simply can't get enough of the Star-Child ("you're looking for someone...but it's not KISS"), Space Ace ("Insufficient data, Starchild! ACK!"), the Demon (There ARE no right hands but OURS!"), and the Cat Man ("Gene's brother was an only child!")in action. It's a bad movie to end all bad movies. I love bad movies, and I love KISS, so for me it's a match made in heaven.

This is such a terrible movie that i can't help but love it. It's so pointless! The plot is terrible, it looks like it was shot on a broken VHS camera by someone with a blindfold on. The acting really couldn't be any worse but the music is good apart from when the evil Kiss robots do a show. Can anyone tell me why Beth is in there, yeah it's a good song but it's not set-up, no-one comments on it and everyone is just posing... absurdly. The thing i love the most though is how Gene strides around in his platforms, he looks like he's been riding a horse for too long! It's such fun it has to be watched and absolutely essential if your in danger of taking Kiss too seriously...

These are the reasons why i hate this film and the reasons why i love it. Don't ask me how that works i'm as confused as you.