Queen Gorilla

Queen Kong (1976)

BOMB (out of 4)

A tough female director is in the tough jungle with her tough female crew when the latest actor quits. She's able to find a man (Robin Askwith) who takes the lead role but once in the jungle the crew runs into a giant female ape. Sure enough, the ape falls for the man.

QUEEN KONG is a British production that was meant to try and make fun of the Dino De Laurentiis film KING KONG. This wasn't just your typical rip-off but the film also tried to be something like Monty Python and to say it failed would be an understatement. If you read around for reviews you'll see that there are many people out there who hate it like me. However, I think some of the reviews were quite unfair. As awful as the movie is I'd argue that it was at least semi well-made and it at least wasn't on the same level as something from Jerry Warren.

With that said, it was quite torturous to sit through this film because of how unfunny it is. I mean, there wasn't a single time throughout the film where I even cracked a smile. The worst thing about the movie is the fact that it's so darn annoying and that's especially true for the lead actor who is given some of the worst one-liners that you're ever going to hear. I'm not sure what type of drugs were being passed around by the screenwriters but whatever lines they wrote that they thought was funny just didn't come across on the screen.

Even with the comedy being so awful one would wish that they could at least have some fun with the monsters but that's not the case either. They all look incredibly cheap and awful but to be fair they're really no better or worse than the majority of the Godzilla movies that were made earlier in the decade. QUEEN KONG has an awful reputation and it really deserves it. The entire idea just really blows up in the viewers face and they're left with a really challenging movie to get through.

What happens when a big-shot film producer like Dino De Laurentiis orders to take a low-budget production like "Queen Kong" out of circulation, supposedly because it discredits his own remake of the classic 1933 film? That's right, "Queen Kong" immediately became an immense cult-hit and probably a lot more popular than it ever would have been if De Laurentiis had simply ignored it! This is one of the most deranged comedies ever, only you laugh at how ridiculous it is and not so much at the script-jokes or parody situations. "Queen Kong" looks fresh & funny for about 10 minutes; during the opening sequences in which you unexpectedly witness that women are the strong gender here and men are all just redundant and insignificant wimps. The humor stops right after the "Libertine Lady" song which, I admit, has some of the coolest lyrics ever ("Burn your bra...Burn your panties...Call your mum...Call your aunties") and the rest of the film is amateurish nonsense and actually quite boring. Copying the original "King Kong" bit by bit, the story revolves on a female film crew that sets foot on a tropical island where the (once again female) natives idolize a humongous (oh yes...female) ape, named Queen Kong". She immediately fancies the male love interest of the film crew (character name: Ray Fay – ha ha!). Watching this film is only amusing in case you're severely drunk or under the influence of soft drugs, as it is a series of absurd gags that you simply can't appreciate in a sober condition. The special effects are lousy and the monsters even look faker than the ones in the absolute cheapest Japanese Godzilla rip-offs. It's a real shame that several of the cast members agreed to star in this garbage. They all previously starred in good, solid Brit-horror films. The gorgeous Valerie Léon was in "Blood From the Mummy's Tomb" and Linda Hayden (luckily, she only has a cameo) was in "Blood on Satan's Claw" and "Madhouse". The male lead Robin Askwith played in "Horror Hospital" and the regretfully underrated "Tower of Evil".

Never has a film contained so much embarrassment. Not only on the part of the directors, producers, writers and actors, but on the person who has accidentally been duped into watching it. Perhaps the first thing I should say is that I watch bad movies - BAD movies - all the time. They don't phase me, I can sometimes see things in bad films that others can't. Maybe those things aren't there. Either way, bad movies get a lot of bad rep.

Farouk (Frank) Agrama's 1976 atrocity, Queen Kong, is almost certainly the worst film I have ever seen. Worse than Plan 9. Worse than Raiders of the Living Dead. Worse than Bride of the Monster. It is about 750 billion times worse than the Dino DeLaurentiis remake of King Kong and about 984 billion times worse than Peter Jackson's over-long take on the story.

Frankly, this film was doomed from the start. It was produced by Harmony Gold, a typically useless independent company (though they managed to drag themselves out of the gutter in the 80's and are now quite reputable). The writers/producers Ronald Dobrin (Robin Dobria) and Farouk Agrama (Frank Agrama) have assembled one of the worst casts, constructed THE worst ape suit and hired the least skilled effects technicians. The result is, as you can imagine, not pretty.

Much of the film takes place in Lazanga (where they do the Konga...apparently) though you would be forgiven for mistaking it for the English countryside. Combined with the bottom rate acting of Robin Askwith (better know for "Confessions of a Window Cleaner" which is hardly Citizen Kane) and the obviously embarrassed Rula Lenska, this is indeed a depressing affair. The utterly ridiculous ape suit is beyond laughable - much like the film itself - it is just depressing.

As the location moves to London (which recreates the theater scene from the 1933 King Kong in a cheaply designed open air setup) the script descends even further and the production values crash and burn. Surprisingly, it isn't the first time London has been ravaged by a giant ape (see 1961's KONGA) but it IS the first time the ape has looked so unconvincing. Cue cut scenes of postcard London landmarks and a dire-straits intimate moment between Queen Kong and Ray Fay (like Fay Wray - geddit?). Before you know it the film is over and you have lost 90 minutes of you life.

If you want to see a bad film, watch Agrama's 1980 effort (Dawn Of The Mummy) and avoid this one. It is beyond being simple 'bad', it is a crime against cinema (it seems that Paramount Pictures agreed, they attempted to sue Harmony Gold in 1976). This film is also guilty of theft. It WILL steal 90 minutes from you which you WON'T get back. Go ahead, call the police, they won't be interested! Do yourself a favour. Don't. Just don't.

Movie director, Luce Habit (Rula Lenzka) needs a leading man for her latest epic. She discovers Ray Fay (Robin Askwith), drugs him (!), and whisks him away from London to Lazanga. With her all-female crew, Luce is all set for filming.

Native troubles, the entrance of the titular beast, and general idiocy ensue.

QUEEN KONG is -obviously- a British parody of its male counterpart. For a comedy, it suffers from a dire lack of any real humor. It's peppered with antiquated, anything-but-funny "jokes" that couldn't possibly have elicited laughs, even in 1976! It's sort of like a really long, completely awful episode of The Benny Hill Show.

Yes, there are bikini-clad dancing girls.

This could possibly be the most inane, eye-gouging-ly dull movie to ever come out of the UK!

In addition to the "monster" of the title we also get a woman-eating rose bush, and a man in a cardboard dinosaur costume.

For his part, Askwith seems to be having a blast, like he does in all of his movies. His Mick Jagger / Brian Jones-hybrid look and goofy persona are always likeable. It's just not enough to salvage this saggy saga.

Good luck with this bowl of rotten bananas!...

This was a scene-for-scene parody of the original King Kong, with a merry but uncomprehending wink at the women's liberation movement. The better you know the original, the more you'll enjoy the in-jokes.