The Opening of Misty Beethoven

I must admit that I gave this movie a 10 partly because I was relatively young and was seeing my first 'porno flick'. In the many years since then, I have seen many of both good and bad quality.

But this particular one has always held a special place in my soul. The dialogue was actually decent, the visual effects were absolutely stunning and there was a good humor that came through from everyone involved.

I'd love to see it again!

Opening of Misty Beethoven, The (1976)

*** (out of 4)

George Bernard Shaw's Pygmalion is the inspiration for this porn film, which has been called the greatest ever by many critics and I'd have to agree. In the film a sexologist (Jamie Gills) picks up Misty Beethoven (Constance Money), a second rate slut who refuses to do anything but straight vaginal sex. With the help of a friend (Jacqueline Beaudant) Misty is taken back to a secret location where she's formed into someone who can perform at a lavish party. Yes, it's MY FAIR LADY porno style and it works. Having gone through many of the "classics" from this golden era of porn I had been led to believe that many of them were well acted, directed and featured good screenplays that would rival the normal movie playing in theaters at the time. This turned out to be wrong as most were better than your typical bump 'n grind flick but nothing else. This film, however, is actually good enough to where it could compete with a mainstream film. Not only do we get some good acting and directing but the screenplay is extremely smart as well. We get some very funny dialogue and the film is smart enough to even take a few pot shots at the people who would sit in a theater just to watch porn. There's a very funny sequence early on with Misty having to serve Napoleon in a theater and the people inside this place make for a few good laughs as well. We even get one guy who keeps losing his passion but Misty finally gets him to the bathroom where an elderly woman eventually walks in on them. There are countless scenes here that just work and most of it is due to the wonderful direction by Metzger who would not only helm this porn movie but countless mainstream flicks including the 1978 remake of THE CAT AND THE CANARY. Metzger has a masterful editing style that makes this film look so professional and it adds so much to the jokes. There's a terrific sequence where Misty is trying to learn to pleasure three people at the same time and he edits this against some other stuff going on and it just makes the joke so obvious and clear that you can't help but laugh. We even get some wonderful jokes aimed at stewardess and various types of things you can do or order on a plane. The acting in any porn film or softcore flick has never been better with Money giving a wonderful performance. You can believe her as this snotty, light hooker but we can also believe everything she's going through in terms of changing. Gills is also extremely fun as the know-it-all who must teach Misty what to do and when. The two have some wonderful chemistry together and how often do you say that in a porn flick? Even the supporting players handle their parts extremely well. Even though this film has a lot of plot it also features the most sex from any of these films from the period. I was surprised to see how much sex there was here but that wasn't a bad thing because it either worked as comedy or was very erotic in how it was shot. Typically I don't buy into reputations as I often find myself disagreeing to a certain extent but I think the reputation of this film is right on the mark. It's smart, sexy, witty and just downright fun to watch so it being called the best porn flick is probably true but it's certainly recommend.

Try crossing My Fair Lady with Deep Throat and you'll end up with "The Opening of Misty Beethoven", a porn film with good production values, surprisingly decent acting, and a young, knockout female lead actress.

This film could never have been made today where all you see are numerous gynecological closeups with copious amounts of spewing bodily fluids. Instead you are treated to an imaginative film with a lot of laughs wrapped around enough sex to earn it's XXX rating.

Constance Money, worth seeing in this film by herself, plays the Eliza Doolittle role as the classless gum popping French street hooker (Misty Beethoven) who gives hand jobs in a dingy Paris movie theater. Jamie Gillis plays the Henry Higgins part as Dr Seymour Love, willing to take on Misty and turn her from this cheap trollop into a high class "Goldenrod Girl" with the help of Jacqueline Beaudant (a female Colonel Pickering?).

There are some very funny sequences on the adult airlines and in the training sequences which brought to mind the "Rocky" films. The sex is not of the grind house variety that you find in most XXX films but it is highly erotic, entertaining and with Ms. Money, surprisingly romantic. This is a jewel of an erotic film.

When the filmmaker in Paul Thomas Anderson's BOOGIE NIGHTS waxes elegiac about what porn could have been--a porn movie that's a real movie--THE OPENING OF MISTY BEETHOVEN is what he's talking about. Directed by Radley Metzger under the nom de guerre Henry Paris, this remake of "Pygmalion" has some wit, stylish production design, a story, rhythm, characters, and, if you can believe it, some not at all bad acting. Nothing else--not even Metzger/Paris' big-selling BARBARA BROADCAST--ever equaled it. See it, laugh, and mourn for what could have been.

Here it is, the U.S. Gold Standard of porn by which all other Golden Age classics shall be held accountable, the finest adult film ever made both by critical consensus as from a fan's point of view. Director Radley Metzger of course had a solid background in mainstream movie-making with tasteful titillation along the lines of CAMILLE 2000 and THERESE AND ISABELLE to his credit before taking the plunge into explicit territory with a mere five high class productions. SCORE and THE PUNISHMENT OF ANNE, both of which contain a limited amount of hardcore footage might be considered borderline cases, and his collaboration on French fornication filmmaker Gérard Kikoïne's stateside endeavors THE TALE OF TIFFANY LUST and APHRODESIA'S DIARY has gone largely uncredited.

THE OPENING OF MISTY BEETHOVEN rests proudly in the middle of this fabulous five-some, following THE PRIVATE AFTERNOONS OF PAMELA MANN and NAKED CAME THE STRANGER yet preceding BARBARA BROADCAST and MARASCHINO CHERRY. Its charm, style, wit and grace - qualities not commonly associated with porn - remain unparallelled within even what is generally considered this genre's finest hour. Every single aspect of production has been handled with the utmost care, mostly by Metzger's "real world" collaborators hiding behind aliases if credited at all, from its sumptuous cinematography to its lively library soundtrack. Unlike other well-produced fornication fare though, this one also has all the scorching sex to cement its legendary reputation for generations to come. This is the kind of adult film that should sway even the most ardent of naysayers, unless the very thought of explicit eroticism repels them. It was made by and for intelligent people who can also appreciate a good dirty joke.

Borrowing its plot from Shaw's PYGMALION, MISTY finds noted sexologist Dr Seymour Love (porn's bad boy Jamie Gillis cast against type and delivering a career performance) cruising the streets of Paris and running into a coarse streetwalker by name of Misty - formerly Dolores - Beethoven, played to perfection by the all too rarely seen Constance Money who made only a handful of flicks. Never one to resist a challenge and fired up because of a wager with fellow jet-setter Geraldine (radiant one shot Jaqueline Beudant), Seymour invites the girl to come along to his mansion in the States where he will groom her to become the next Goldenrod Girl of naughty magazine publishing tycoon Lawrence Layman (shockingly handsome Ras Kean, star of Armand Weston's extraordinary neo noir EXPOSE ME, LOVELY), a title only bestowed on women who are revered the world over for their exceptional beauty, sensuality and lovemaking skills. On a crash course, Misty's put through her sexual paces, gaining insight and technique as she's presented with a number of "difficult" cases for seduction. All the while, she is falling in love with her mentor who doesn't or merely pretends not to notice

It is absolutely impossible to overpraise this magnificent movie. While other adult flicks made since might conceivably eclipse it in certain areas, there has yet to be one made that surpasses it all across the board. The sheer brilliance of the leads (who share a pleasingly palpable chemistry) is ably supported by a cast filled to the brim with fan favorites, most of whom deliver equally fine performances vertically as well as horizontally. Terri Hall, reuniting with Gillis following their perfect pairing in Gerard Damiano's scorching STORY OF JOANNA, shines as ballerina Tanya who does a sweltering Sapphic number on beautiful Beudant. Gay porn icon Casey Donovan of BOYS IN THE SAND infamy plays the effeminate gallery owner who finds himself at Misty's mercy and also supplies the buttocks for the Ras Kean pegging portion of the legendary three-way involving Misty and Gloria Leonard, the latter then at the start of what was to become a most distinguished career in the adult field.

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