Die Todesmaschine

Death Machines. This old classic action film in a kind of tale of a difference...

This movie asks us what the plot is all about? Well basically, it's all to do with these highly trained assassins who work for some mysterious chinese woman who sends them out to terminate anyone who stands in her way...

Have you got it..? Well, to me that film was dull in some parts especially those "machines" that don't even say a word in this film. Yep! They just basically going round killing people left, right and centre..

Another thing that bothers me was that when the film finished, the three men just stood there as they're making their way off somewhere.. I don't know where.. But, as me the viewer, it didn't say "The End" to say that the film has finished. It just plays the music and the men are just standing there like a bunch of bananas..

Well, if you ever see that film, see what you think..? You may the plot but you'll never know the ending...

Fans of trashy, bad 1970s cinema gather 'round. I've found a real winner - Death Machines. Calling Death Machines "so bad it's good" doesn't begin to explain how deliriously enjoyable this movie truly is. Sure, it's bad - in fact you'd have a hard time finding anything quite so inept - but it's also an incredibly fun experience. What little plot the movie has concerns three assassins for hire - one white, one black, and one Asian (Think of the Death Machines as the Rainbow Coalition of killers - how politically correct!). These killers are all but indestructible - they're even impervious to bullets (the movie may have explained why or how, but I must have missed it). On a mission to take out a local karate studio, they inadvertently leave one man alive. They may have taken off one of his hands, but he's alive nonetheless. The police can't seem to find any leads into the karate studio killings, so it's up to our hero, Whining One Hand (as I like to call him), to bring down the gang of killers.

Oh where to start? This is one of those instances where I could easily write paragraph after paragraph about the ineptitude on display in Death Machines. But I'm not sure I can do the thing the justice it deserves. So instead, I'll summarize some of the highlights:

• The plot is little more than one set-piece after the next that only fit together because some of the characters are the same. The attack on the karate studio, the killing of the man in the phone booth, the bazooka shot at the airplane, the obligatory fight scene in the police station, and the bombing of the bank president - the only connection is that a familiar character or two appears in each scene. Otherwise, you might get the wrong idea and start to think the Death Machines actually had no real, coherent plot (wink, wink).

• The killers receive their marching orders from one of screendoms most bizarre master criminals. Madame Lee (and I only know her name by reading the credits on IMDb) is one weird cookie. To begin with, she seems incapable of opening her mouth and speaking as a normal person might. Between that, her thick accent, and the boom operator's inability to get close to her, it makes it just about impossible to understand what she's saying. And then there's that wig! Why in God's name did anyone think it would be a good look to have her wear a 12-inch high geisha wig? She looks ridiculous. Add to that her strange way of walking, her unusual choice of wardrobe, and her totally out of place facial expressions and Madame Lee is a sight that must be seen to be believed.

• The fight choreography is laughable. The opening fight scenes where Madame Lee is picking her three killers is beyond ridiculous. My 6 year-old son takes karate and I'm sure he and a few of his friends could have put together more believable fight set-pieces. And what's with the gun? Who told the white guy to bring a gun to a karate fight? And was it just me or were the opening fights rigged to ensure the racial diversity of Death Machines? White guy fighting white guy, black guy fighting black guy, Asian guy fighting Asian guy? It's too funny.

• Has there ever been a more ineffective hero than Whining One Hand? When not whining about his problems, getting beat-up by an old man in the bar he works at, or making love to the most unappealing nurse imaginable (I think I might have just thrown up a little in my mouth thinking about it), one of his lone contributions to the movie is to follow the bad guys, crawl through the tall grass, and watch as they blow up a plane and the unknown passengers therein. Does he do anything at all to try to stop the baddies? NO. He merely watches. By the time he shows up at the run-down house (that's obviously a stand-in for an opulent mansion- just use your imagination) the Death Machines have left, Madame Lee's right hand man is already dead, and yet he still manages to get attacked by the wobbly sword welding Madame Lee and her gigantic wig. What does our hero do? Again - nothing. Thank God the police were on hand to take out the dragon lady or Whining One Hand might have ended up being Whining No Hand.

On and on it goes (I haven't even gotten into the technical issues, the lack of any sort of ending, the inappropriate Casio keyboard music, or the old time gospel music played over the fight scene in the grocery store/bar). Death Machines is a real hoot of a movie that I implore all fans of bad 70s trash movies to seek out. You won't be disappointed. As for my rating, I'll be honest, rating movies like Death Machines is difficult. On one hand, it's a stinker of epic proportions. But, on the other hand, I've always said that I rate movies based on my enjoyment. And with that in mind, I have to give Death Machines at least a 7/10 even with its numerous and all too obvious problems. Be warned, if the notion of a bad, plot-less 70s movie with characters that have no motivation or acting ability and big bad wigs with speech impediments doesn't appeal to you, stay away. Otherwise, enjoy!

"Death Machines" is a wonderfully precocious bit of bad movie nonsense, director Paul Kyriazi really lets a scene play out to it's conclusion, however unpleasant. There is a scene were two idiots destroy the world's crummiest dive bar. Kyriazi captures the dull poignancy of this act of stupid violence, it's an idiotic, mean thing to do, but at least they care enough to do it.

The story involves a Dragon Lady (Mari Honjo, in a one shot performance of a lifetime Carol Burnett could not touch) who are developing some machine like marital arts killers for use by an evil syndicate, problems arise when the killers learn to think for themselves. There's a pair of refreshingly plain lovers who are only trying to find a little happiness in a world where Death Machines come along and run right over you. A not by the book cop tries his best against all odds.

it's really hard for me to imagine how someone could not enjoy "Death Machines." It is quite cheap, and the final freeze frame suggest they just ran out of time and money and couldn't finish the credits.

If you remember the great Lee Marvin movie "Point Blank" you'll recognize the "pipe-smoking assassin" character originally played by James B. Sikking. As you watch "Death Machines" you find yourself constantly reminded of some of the great scenes or clichés you've seen in other movies. It's almost as if the makers just grabbed a handful of as much fun stuff as they could remember from other movies and tossed it all into one. Of course it makes for one very silly and (in that context) very entertaining movie. Can you see actress Mari Honjo actually biting the blood capsule after she is shot? Clearly this is one of the reasons she has never been seen on the screen again. Or anywhere else, at least lately. C'mon, how can you not appreciate a movie with a one-armed bartender?

A friend of mine bought this film for 25 pence and always said it was the worst film ever made. I didn't think it could be that bad. It is. In England it's on video as The Ninja Murders. There's a Chinese woman with a small mouth who seems to be up to something. Lots of ninjas who don't seem to know kung fu from ballroom dancing go around "attacking" other people who seem to have no purpose in the plot. That is if there is a plot. I'm not convinced.

There's one bit where some ninjas attack a fisherman and he disables them by gently pushing them to one side. We see lots of stock footage of a propellor plane landing. I never knew who was on the plane or why. Or what film this footage came from as I'm sure the production team couldn't afford the hire charge on a plane. The last time we see the plane land there is a blond man hiding. At the end of the film he is revealed as Frank. Well, a woman calls him Frank. I assume he was the hero. I don't recall seeing him do anything during the film and I certainly had no idea he was called Frank.

The most interesting thing about the whole movie is the plot summary on the back of the video casing. It says that a new warlord is gaining power and the old warlord is struggling for survival. Apparently they must "fight to the death before the MAIN BATTLE!!". Well i don't recall any warlords, though I suspect the chinese small-mouthed woman may be the new warlord. And don't bother sitting in great gaping-jawed anticipation for any fight to the death or main battle. What fight to the death? What main battle? The film ends with two men at an airport and then the height of all camera tricks is used to show they are a group of three men not two!! Maybe a great twist ending but as these men were about as familiar to me as Frank I had no idea what it all meant. Actually I have no idea what any of it meant or what was going on. I'm still baffled.

The great thing about this film is that you couldn't possibly make a worse film. Even if you tried so hard to make a film on a shoestring budget that was so bad it was unwatchable it would be like The Godfather in comparison to this pile of pants. I would conclude my review with words representing such abominable appallingness that I won't even bother. Avoid at all costs