Five the Hard Way

This movie shocked me. It shocked me over the time I wasted watching it, the very realistic trash performances, and of course...sidehacking. I have never heard of this sport. Plus, the beating of women, rape scene, and all out violence makes this a wonder to comprehend. Rommel is a grease monkey sidehacker and JC is the beatnik, alcohol swigging hepcat who puts on the trailer park performance in cinematic history. I think my favorite character was Jake. "He hit big Jake!!" Regardless of the dark ending, I'm glad I formed no rapport with anyone in this flop.

This is on my 10 all-time bad movie list.

Definitely in the Manos: hand of fate pile of hard to watch movies. The sidehacking racing scenes are as boring as the driving scenes in Manos. This movie is terrible and should not be watched unless under the influence of heavy painkillers. Lighthearted scenes of playing in the grass, followed by sleeping pill racing with a sick story of revenge and loss. Very bad combo that does not work. The psycho (JC) does make you hate him though because he is so vile. Avoid unless you have a memory like 50 first dates or Clean Slate.

The Sidehackers, what can be said about this movie? After viewing it, not much. I would like to know whose bright idea it was to make a movie about motorcycle racing, and then ditch that idea altogether. Things start out bad, and it all goes down hill. Rommel (that magnificent SOB) enjoys the sport of sidehacking. Along comes J.C. who asks Rommel to ride with him on the circuit. Rommel declines and J.C. goes nuts. Starts talking about how he loved him, and how he treated Rommel like a brother. J.C.'s girlfriend comes on to Rommel, and after he turns her down, she calls him an SOB. Rommel's girlfriend is killed by J.C. and Rommel enlists the aid of a strong man, a bad joke telling hick, and Nero former emperor of Rome to find J.C. Well, they find him, Rommel and J.C. tussle and finally someone dies. The end. Now, why couldn't this have happened about fifty minutes earlier?

I've seen almost all the bad movie classics. Most of the classics of bad cinema are bad because of low production values, bad acting and silly plots. No such luck here. The production values are adequate for the subject matter and the plot is fairly standard. Unfortunately, these are the things that make the classics entertaining.

What we're left with is a meandering script with a very standard plot, bad acting, and worst of all, incompetent direction. The movie is filled with long sequences, such as the sidehacking race from which it gets one of its titles, that add nothing to the plot or characters that couldn't have been accomplished in one tenth the time.

If that weren't enough, what little plot is stuck between these sequences is either difficult to follow or just doesn't make sense. For instance, at one point a character is killed and it took me a while to figure it out. Not that it was supposed to be a secret, the point just wasn't conveyed the way it was apparently intended. And throughout the whole movie, up to and including the end, I couldn't understand why the characters were doing the things they were doing. In the few places I did understand, I didn't get why they were going about it the way they were.

In short, this movie is incredibly bad, and not in any fun way. It's quite probably the worst movie I've ever seen. I would not recommend this to anyone for a straight viewing. The only way anyone will get any fun out of it is by ripping into it with friends or letting the professionals do it for them via the excellent MST3K treatment, which is available on DVD.

I saw this movie as featured on Mystery Science Theater 3000, under the title "The Sidehackers." I'm used to these bad movies having lots of different titles (Heck the alternate titles to Plan 9 make more sense than the real one), but "Five The Hard Way"? That doesn't even come up in the movie. That makes it sound like it's a card game.

The Sidehackers is a much better title for this dreadful movie, cause it features the ultra-underground sport known as "sidehacking" (or as I call it sidehackin' with an apostrophe, much cooler that way). A sidehack, or uh yeah I guess that's what you'd call it, is a motorcycle with a sidecar. The sidecar is actually just a platform with a bar so a person (Unlucky and no doubt highly stupid) can stand on this thing and lean left and right in the turns to "balance the car out." You could have also tried just getting rid of the sidecar altogether. But hey then I guess there'd be no title, and they'd have to call it something ridiculous like Five The Hard Way.

Eventually these wacky racers get embroiled in a plot that involves murder, revenge, and idiocy. Basically it's a downer, and by the end most of the characters are dead (In this film, the more sympathetic you are the likely you are to get offed). I'm not sure what I was supposed to take out of the film, except maybe that good doesn't always win, or maybe that ESPN's X Games have a lot more to answer for than I thought.

I would not watch this movie again without the help of the MST3K crew. It's pretty terrible, and after the first couple of racing scenes, isn't the least bit cheesy (Dumb throughout, but not cheesy), and it's really a bit of a downer. That and the hat the main character Rommel (You know a character's in trouble when he's named after half of the rant the Hamburgler shouts) is absolutely ridiculous. I hope I get one for my birthday this year.