Küss mich, Monster

Unfortunately the version of 'Kiss Me Monster' I watched was the 75 minute, badly dubbed version. I'm blaming most of the movie's inadequacies on that. I enjoyed 'Sadisterotica' as a change of pace for Jess Franco - a campy spy thriller rather than his more typical erotic nightmares on film - but this is nowhere near as good.

The 'Red Lips' detective team (Janine Reynaud and Rosanna Yanni) return, as do a few Franco regulars. The plot this time around is paper thin. Some sheet music leads the girls to an island where a missing scientist has been experimenting on people. They pose as saxophonists (!) while they investigate the mysterious goings on there, which somehow involve a secret cult. There's all the usual double crosses, plot twists, skimpy outfits, and a totally gratuitous go-go dancing sequence, but the emphasis this time around is more on humour ("humour" - it isn't the least bit amusing) rather than action. Not Franco's best effort, and certainly not a good introduction to his oeuvre. 'Vampiros Lesbos' and 'Succubus' are still the best way for newcomers to begin.

This is an appalling movie by most people's standards, but I totally loved it. A must for anyone with a weakness for camp 60s psychedelia (of the Barbarella/Modesty Blaise/Diabolik variety) this Jess Franco film regales us with the further adventures of the 'Red Lips' gals - Diana (Janine Reynaud) and Regina (Rossana Yanni) who last brightened our lives in the still-more-outrageous Sadisterotica.

Two sexy undercover agents on the trail of a mad doctor and his race of Frankenstein-style monster hunks, Reynaud and Yanni strut about in deliriously over-the-top high-fashion outfits. Bicker back and forth like Edina and Patsy in Absolutely Fabulous. Reduce any unfortunate male who crosses their path to a pool of helpless mush. Oh, and they even find time to perform a transvestite nightclub act on saxophones. Now that's what I call style!

As for the 'plot'(if there is any) I've seen this movie twice and still can't fathom it. Something about a tropical island, animatronic muscle men, whip-wielding lesbians, feathered cabaret outfits, effete and sinister scientists and a mystical secret sect who sit around in black Ku Klux Klan hoods and crimson robes and struggle (vainly, it turns out) to explain what is going on. The continuity is even more abysmal than in most of Franco's oeuvre - so much so that the girls seem to be driving a different car in every shot!

Yet as an introduction to this mad genius and his deranged and surreal style of movie-making, you could do a lot worse than Kiss Me Monster. At least in the version I saw, there's almost none of the lurid blood and sex that was standard in Franco's later work. The one truly nasty moment here is a brief-but-gruesome surgery scene. Otherwise, it's all good, clean, campy, psychedelic fun. Everyone on and offscreen seems be in a drug-induced haze. Well, it WAS the 60s after all!

When one of the first scene of a film contains the line, "Well, let me tell you the story about what happened," you know that you're in for a classic. This is that kind of classic. KISS ME MONSTER is a short, sometimes dull, and always sleazy film that makes you wish there were still drive-ins. How else could this have made it into theaters, except for maybe a few grindhouses.

KISS ME MONSTER is a hodge-podge of cliches, lots of red herrings, and a plot that is practically indescribable. In fact, I'm not sure if there really is a plot, just a series of scenes that are excuses to show the two female leads in different stages of undress. The dialogue is ridiculous (to be fair, this may be the fault of the below-par dubbing), and the characters are mostly unlikable.

But, in its own cynical yet silly way, the film has its charms. The blonde lead is very attractive, and she gives karate-chops, too. Plus, Jesus Franco, as cheap a director as he is, usually accomplishes come good photography. Plus, some of the jazz on the soundtrack is pretty good.

I liked KISS ME MONSTER, but for all the wrong reasons. I laughed out-loud so many times, I kept wondering if it was supposed to be funny. Alas, I don't think so. If anyone can explain how the plot leads to the island with the mad scientist, please let me know. Because I was scratching my head the whole time...

As terrible as it was, I enjoyed this in a perverse "oh god, I could do better than that" kinda way. The guys who looked and acted like they'd flunked the Thunderbirds casting call. The dubbing that made me grateful that chop socky cheapos weren't dubbed in Germany by unemployed bierfest toastmasters. The stock footage that made me pine for the infamous white Jag 3.4 going over the cliff again again. The flashless guns that somehow kill people they're not aimed at (Did Roy Rogers ever patent them?) And the bouffantastic hairstyles that screamed "WIIIIIIIIIIIG!!!!!" loud enough to influence Divine and Joan Collins.

Somehow, I understood what little evidence of plot there was. This can probably be put down to a childhood diet of duff mangas and creaky Godzilla movies. The idea is that they get from scene one to finale without being mangled by the badddies. Erm, that's it. My brain barely broke sweat, but my funnybone was in overdrive. I'm not going to give it a post modern ironic 10, but the 5 is praise for making me hoot with incredulous laughter at the lapses in acting ability, plot, and continuity. The soundtrack is surprisingly cool. The band in the disco seem to be performing an excellent ersatz Detroit r n b breaks medley, and the kooky jazz pieces seemed seemed perfectly apt in context.

I've seen worse.

RELEASED IN 1969 and written & directed by Jesús Franco, "Kiss Me, Monster" stars Janine Reynaud (Diana) & Rosanna Yanni (Regina) as detective duo The Red Lips who seek the missing Doctor Beltran who has concocted a formula for super-human clones with the mental capacity of canines. Key informants keep winding up dead so the girls go undercover as a nightclub act on an island off the coast of Spain where they charm the mogul, Eric Vicas (Adrian Hoven), whom they suspect has something to do with the killings and the missing doctor.

Quickie filmmaker Franco released 7 movies in 1969, including this one, which was shot in 24 days in August/September, 1967. It's the second of a duology featuring the detective pair; the first being "Sadist Erotica," which was released earlier in the year. Being thrown together so quickly, the plot is virtually incomprehensible unless you're aware of it up front (as described above). Another problem is the lousy dubbing, which (1.) doesn't fit the lips of the characters and (2.) isn't congruent in tone with what's happening on screen.

But, if you can get past those flaws, there are several things to enjoy in this spy parody/adventure, which comes across as a melding of late 60's flicks like Raquel Welch's "Fathom" (1967) and "Beyond the Valley of the Dolls" (1970), but worse than both due to the issues noted above. Some highlights include the Spanish coastal locations, the groovy percussion-oriented soundtrack, the late 60's chic and a few good-looking 60's babes. Speaking of which Reynaud was 37 during shooting and Yanni 29. Neither do much for me (they're a little too slinky), but I definitely prefer Reynaud as far as sex appeal goes. Unfortunately, with the exception of a couple of outfits, the 60's apparel they're laden with doesn't exactly augment their beauty.

THE MOVIE RUNS 1 hour 15 minutes and was shot in Spain with one part in Munich, Germany. ADDITIONAL WRITERS: Luis Revenga & Karl Heinz Mannchen.

GRADE: C-