Hercules in New York

This is one of the worst movies of all time. The four-hundred-and-something witless souls who awarded this a 10 should be permanently banned from voting.

Forget that it was made on a shoe-string budget, and that at one point Arnold fights the worst bear costume in movie history; forget that he takes his shirt off in every other scene, often with zero motivation; forget that the Mount Olympus scenes are obviously shot in New York; forget even that the acting is of such monumental ineptitude that James Karen (one of the worst actors in "Return of the Living Dead") is far and away the finest thespian in sight. The fact that anybody invested as much as a nickel in a script that one monkey working for one hour could easily have done better is what really blows my mind. The premise is painfully stupid, and the execution of it is as heavy-handed and amateurish as anything you're likely to see. Most porn movies are produced with more consideration for plot.

I recommend "Hercules in New York" to anyone who likes to go to the dentist or enjoys a hard punch in the nose. This is an hour and a half of pure agony.

A film of at times incredible and hilarious ineptitude (scenes of the "gods" on Mount Olympus are interrupted constantly by the sounds of honking horns, which are often louder than the heavenly dialogue) saved to some extent by the sincere starring duo of Stang and Schwartzenneger (whose voice is dubbed in the theatrical version, perhaps unintentionally making this film funnier for those like myself who've seen more than a few Italian "pec epics").

Not a true action picture, more of an attempt at comedy that is more often funny against its intentions. Try to count how many times Arnie says "I am Hercules" (as if to convince HIMSELF that he's truly acting), and if you can make it to the end I'll give you a cracker or something.

You gotta love this film.

Ha! This is hilarious. Arnold Schwarzenegger - going by the name of "Strong" on the titles, is the demigod son of Zeus (Ernest Graves) and he's bored hanging around Olympus keeping out of trouble. Finally his father loses his temper, hurls a thunder bolt at him and he ends up down on earth befriending the weedy "Pretzie" (Arnold Stang doing a vaguely Phil Silvers impersonation) and getting involved with some crooks who see his might as a meal ticket. What now ensues is just harmless, witless, fun with a confused mythology - Roman and Greek names for the gods are interchangeable; an Olympus that looks like the herb garden of an English stately home and luckily Arnie doesn't have to wrestle with ancient Greek, just with 1970s English. There can't have been much budget so don't be looking for visual effects or a tangy script - nope, none of that, just the future Governor of California looking almost cherubic in his spray-on shorts demonstrating the truthful nature of the American dream. Anyone can make it, however humble the beginnings.

If I feel down, all I need to do is think of Arnie fighting the grizzly bear in Hercules in New York and it cracks me up. The grizzly bear is actually just some big guy wearing a Halloween costume, he even moves like a human. But thats not the silliest scene. Arnold also fights a group of sailors with a plank and throws them in the sea, the sound effects and horrible choreography in that scene is hilarious. I've got the version of this movie with Arnies real voice, and just hearing that makes this movie worth getting. But Arnold is not the worst actor in this movie, his partner, Arnold Stang is much worse. The Mafia is even this movie, well, three guys...played by actors who probably auditioned for The Godfather but didn't make it. Yeeeaaahhhh....

The "brilliant" theme song in this movie is played about 500 times.

I would give this movie a one, but it made me laugh...so I guess it deserves a 2. Hoo-Ya.

This is a very bad film--there's no denying this. Imagine having a young Arnold Schwarzenegger (whose command of English was MUCH worse than when he did his movies in the 1980s) playing a Greek god who comes to New York for a few laughs! Now the concept COULD have actually worked--if the leading man hadn't been barely cognizant of the English language. And, had the writers not been chimpanzees, the story could have been turned into a cute little tongue-in-cheek tale. But, in the end, through total incompetence, it's a dreadful movie. BUT, for people who like watching stupid films and laughing at them, then they are in for a treat with HERCULES IN NEW YORK!

The film begins in a very minimalistic Mount Olympian headquarters for the gods. Including the cost of the pillars, I think the set was created for about $47.50. Well, in this sketchy looking layout, the gods are all standing around when Hercules announces he's bored and wants to go back to Earth. Zeus forbids him and they argue. Ultimately, Zeus tosses him out of the sky onto the earth and from here on Hercules has a lot of adventures. For the most part, Schwarzenegger plays the role like he's a lovable moron...goofy and looking a bit like Jethro Bodine when he first went to the big city! Among the exciting(?) adventures he has are various wrasslin' matches, fighting an escaped bear (a guy in one of the worst bear suits I've ever seen) and hanging out with Arnold Stang--a man who has somehow learned to talk entirely through his nose. I'd tell you more about the story, but really don't think it's all that important. Suffice to say, Jethro runs around New York (often with no shirt) and gets into wacky trouble.

As far as the research for the writers goes, I think they'd have been better off if they'd read a few comic books or asked the average high school student for advice. When it comes to knowing even the basic information about the Greek gods, they often got is completely wrong--mixing Greek and Roman names for the gods again and again (for example, Juno, Venus and Hercules are Roman names and Zeus and Nemesis are Greek) as well as having little understanding (or care) about the gods themselves (Mercury was NOT Hercules' brother, Pluto was NOT the Devil nor did he live in Hell, etc., etc.). In addition, at the end of the film, Samson (from the Old Testament) and Atlas (whose job it is to hold the Earth) come to the rescue!

There are also two versions of this film. Traditionally, the version most have seen has a dubbed voice for Arnold, as he's occasionally barely comprehensible. But, this is also really silly as the voice is very robotic and obviously not his. This is the case with the version posted on IMDb (though, oddly, this version also lacks music and many basic sound effects). For those wanting to see and hear Arnold, the DVD has the original restored voice--but won't give you the option to hear either one. Additionally, at the end, when he talks to Stang from the radio, it's NOT Arnold's voice but that of the robot-dude.

Overall, the film was a shoddy and silly mess. But there was a certain goofiness that make it fun to watch despite its many, many obvious shortcomings. Not a good film at all, but fun to watch if you need a laugh.