Die Sexparty

Sir Godfrey Beanbag, 9 and and third Earl of WuggPork Estate travels across flormtittsbury Nebula in a spacksuit to be retrieving of the mysterious bottlejohns with only a turtleless shellsnail for company.

He only eats from the Westbury mustard and his hair falls out in every scene so they kept gluing in the scene with his hair on so it's a bit repetitive.

My fabric television didn't have a good enough thread count to see the finer pixons, but I think I could make out little Jimmy Swimmson stealing my counterfeit flower press handle forgery collection and a house, which I live in. Now I don't know where I or my fake pressed flowers are. Small matters in the Grant Scales of Rings.

With his groundpenny thin as a weasel and the mouse door in keeping (tin and rum thistle excluded), the swimming lesson was complete. Jenny said toe, Murray said no. And the kettle drone foo makes us all better for it. And it continued on like that for a bit.

Back at Snailpork manor, a porksnail megapork snail was making its way across the isles of scilly towards a larger-than-usual pork drum snail aquaittence missile tactical coffee morning warhead, but it turns out it was just a tactical meganail pork medallion chamber containing 4 porksnails from the previous pork pail scene if you remembered them but you were probably too busy sniffing the sands. Pork nail.

A rather uneventful early picture from Pete Walker, who has little of the money he had to play with later on in his career. This one's a very low-rent thriller about a rather uncharismatic two-bit photographer who gets involved in a preposterous plot involving smuggled immigrants, plastic surgery and various gangsters operating in London and Brighton. Lots of brief nudity from the assembled actresses, but the action is non-existent and the most fun comes from seeing the stars trying not to fall over on the icy ground.

With a movie that's little over an hour long there's not really a lot to say. What I liked best about the film is the setting of a decadent London in the death throws of the swinging sixties, the ending at a fairground is well done, I love the scenes with the old machines you could play.

As for the story, John Carter( Sebastian Breaks) is implicated in a young girls murder, and along with Cathy (Virginia Wetherall) is forced by gangsters into posing for pornographic photos. The two leads are decent enough, especially Wetherall who would go not to appear in a few horror movies in the coming years.

The Big Switch (1968)

** 1/2 (out of 4)

John Carter (Sebastian Breaks) is a playboy who meets up with a beautiful blonde lady. The two plan on meeting in her room but when John arrives he finds her dead and before long he is accused of the crime. It doesn't take long for him to realize that the mob was behind the murder and now he must go up against them.

THE BIG SWITCH is an early film from director Pete Walker who is best remembered for a number of horror films that he made in the 1970s. I guess the best way to describe this movie is that it's a low-budget, wannabe James Bond that runs just 68-minutes and features a bit more sleaze than you'd normally expect from a film from this era. Is it a masterpiece? Not at all but it's a mildly entertaining spy picture.

I think the best thing that the film has going for it is the fact that it's just 68-minutes and it goes by rather quickly. Breaks makes for an interesting lead and I thought he added some fun to the picture. The villains are pretty much your standard bad guys but they too are mildly entertaining. Where the film really stands out is with the female nudity, which there is quite a bit of including some full frontal scenes.

THE BIG SWITCH will mainly appeal to fans of the director who want to see what he was doing before the horror pictures. There's nothing overly great about the movie but it was entertaining for what it was.

After about half an hour from the beginning, you realize that nothing has happened. After another half hour, you're still waiting for something to happen. And, nothing happens. Then you realize it's the kind of movie you want to finish faster. Probably the worst English movie ever made.