Love Feast

"The Love Feast" serves as proof that the presence of Ed Wood in any film project was a guarantee of failure. Even in the relatively undemanding genre of soft-core pornography, where such Wood trademarks as bizarre dialogue, improbable plotting, and awful acting are par for the course, this is a certifiable stinker. Despite the film's theme, and the near-constant full-frontal nudity, there is nothing erotic, or even remotely arousing, in this film. And that's not just my opinion- I watched this film with a group of five people, representing both of the major genders and various sexual orientations, and we all agreed that it was a strong contender for the least arousing pornographic film in existence. There's not much more to say about this film, except that after it was over I felt sorry for Ed Wood. Even someone as talentless as he was shouldn't have to work on such a miserable project.

I've never seen an Ed Wood movie I didn't enjoy on some level... until I saw this vile thing. The previous comment was right on the money. This film is so anti-erotic it's horrifying. Imagine the nightmare of seeing a bloated, groggy Ed Wood cavorting in his underwear with pimply, pale-skinned floozies who look like they were rounded up from the local VD clinic. I couldn't sit through more than ten minutes of this movie at a time. To survive one viewing, I had to take frequent breaks during which I'd watch something else to clear my mind of the awful images from the film. The movie is so aggressively ugly and difficult to watch that it could convince people to give up sex entirely... or at least give up watching sex films entirely. Unless you have a strong stomach, this film is unwatchable. Just getting through the hideous opening credits is a chore. One thing is certain: when it comes to sexploitation, Ed Wood was no Russ Meyer.

Rhino should be ashamed of itself for releasing this film to DVD under the title "Pretty Models All in a Row" and brazenly marketing it to Ed Wood fans. If the company really wanted to honor the memory of Ed Wood, they'd round up every print of this abomination and bury them where no one would ever find them again. The DVD also contains the entertaining Wood documentary, "Look Back in Angora," which is available separately on video.

If you simply must watch one of Wood's nudie flicks, please go for "Orgy of the Dead" instead. Even though Wood didn't direct that one himself, it has all of his signature touches... and it's a hell of a lot more entertaining than "The Love Feast."

Man, after seeing this I feel like I fell down a flight of stairs. I'm not sure I'm going to recover from the sight of Ed Wood on his hands and knees in a pink nightgown licking a girl's boots. Plus one girl pulls off Ed's underwear, hands them to another girl who proceeds to rub them over her chest. Yikes. Celibacy here I come.

The orgy in the bedroom seems as if it was imagined by a small child who knows what all the parts are but is not sure how they fit together. There is a lot of touching and rolling around but no real sexual contact.

Exactly who did the film-makers think this would appeal to???

Some Ed Wood fans are convinced that he directed "THE LOVE FEAST", even though the film's credits blame Joe Robertson for this atrocity. Given Ed Wood's sickly and inebriated appearance in this travesty, I feel it's much more likely that Robertson directed it, and Ed just embarrassed himself by acting in it. As the film progresses, Ed acts more and more sexually exhausted, even though no one in the orgy scene actually appears to be getting LAID! Everyone's just rolling around on top of each other, giggling and smiling mindlessly, and the whole sordid tableau just goes on WAY too long! Ed leaves the orgy room several times during the course of the film to wolf down some alcoholic beverages on screen, giving the Ed Wood aficionado what may be the only surviving cinematic reenactment of what was reportedly a common occurrence at the Wood homestead during his latter years. The thought even occurred to me that the booze he's putting away on screen may have been his entire compensation for appearing in this horror-show. I wish I could erase the memory of his sagging man-boobs and flabby buttocks from my brain, but I'm sure the awful sight will pop up in a future nightmare. I almost wish I could've burst onto the set while this film was being made, grabbed the poor sot by the hair and screamed "Ed, what the HELL are you doing? Put your clothes on and let's get out of here. I'll buy you a bottle on the way home!"

LOVE FEAST, THE (1969) aka PRETTY MODELS ALL IN A ROW

** 1/2 (out of four)

An old pervert (Ed Wood) pretends to be a photographer so that modeling agencies will send beautiful women to his house. One day, ten women show up so they all jump on a bed and start messing around. This here is a silly softcore film, which has Wood giving a funny performance and his screenplay has the usual funny dialogue, which makes this a slice above the normal type of flick. To say the film isn't well made would be a given but fans of Wood will get a kick out of seeing him act along side so many beautiful women.

Rhino released this to DVD but it's now out of print.