Robot Monster

ROBOT MONSTER is often heralded as the worst movie ever made, although I've seen plenty that are more boring than this zero-budget effort, which is enthusiastic if nothing else. The nutshell plot of the film sees a family struggling to survive in the aftermath of an apocalypse, where they're menaced by the titular alien.

The film features an anything-goes, shot-in-your-own-backyard feel which makes it hard to take seriously. I'm a huge fan of '50s sci-fi, but this has more in common with the dodgy offerings of Ed Wood than a real film. The acting is sub-par, the script even worse, and the attempts to enliven things by shoving in stock footage are simply helpless.

Things aren't quite so bad as all that, though. ROBOT MONSTER is a film that it's easy to laugh at, which counts for a lot, and Ro-Man is quite an entertaining menace...at least, he's highly amusing, whether it be his bizarre look or the way he talks in that portentous voice. As a movie, it's also very short, which makes things easier to take. Watch it as an unintentional comedy and you might even find yourself enjoying it.

Robot Monster is the Citizen Kane of abysmal 1950s science fiction. It has everything modern viewers have come to expect from movies of this genre: a laughable plot line, completely improbable situations, ludicrous acting, unbelievably awful special effects, cheapjack production values, gaffes galore, and examples of how to fail miserably at every major aspect of motion picture production. For good measure it also sports easily the most ridiculous "monster" in the history of film! The plot is so thin that it can't even be stretched comfortably over the film's 66-minute running time without generous padding. A family, headed by the requisite German-accented scientist and including a "hot" chick, a "manly" guy, and two cutesy-poo kids wander through the desert after Earth has been annihilated by a guy in a gorilla suit wearing a plastic diving helmet. That's basically it, except for some nonsensical pap about an immunity serum. When the guy in the monkey suit is far and away the best actor in the picture, you've got a MAJOR problem--but compared to John Mylong as "The Professor," Ro-Man is Laurence Olivier. You could drive a semi through the plot holes. The dialogue clangers pile up like horseshoes on George H.W. Bush's lawn. You feel embarrassed for director Phil Tucker, and almost ashamed to laugh at this movie when you learn that the bad reviews of the film drove him to attempt suicide. The experience of watching this film, even with its abnormally short running time, is so excruciating that it feels like you've wasted five hours of your life. It's so bad that after a while you begin to marvel at its very badness, and ultimately you come away awe-stricken.

I call it a masterpiece because under normal circumstances only a talented and determined genius could make a film that sinks as low and violates so many rules of film-making, storytelling and suspension of disbelief as this one does. It takes real talent to make Ed Wood look like Stanley Kubrick, but Phil Tucker pulled it off. For that alone he deserves a place in film history.

I haven't seen that many classic bad movies, but Robot Monster is one of my personal favorites. It is simply hilarious to watch. The gorilla costume and diving helmet are so entertaining that one could enjoy the movie with the sound off. With the sound on, though, you get to appreciate the "acting." In all fairness, the music in this movie is actually pretty good, which contrasts from every other aspect of the movie. The stock footage that appears every so often is an unexpected treat. The mind-blowing plot twist at the end really finishes the movie with a bang. I hope that anyone who enjoys bad movies checks this one out...you will be rewarded. "If I were a HU-man, would she treat me like a HU-man?"

Fans of bad movies probably know all about this film. However, if you haven't had the pleasure of experiencing this infamous laugh-riot, allow me to explain...

The film opens with an arrangement of Sci-fi pulp magazines behind the opening credits, so you're obviously expected to throw your common sense radar switch firmly to the off position before viewing commences. Then we're introduced to a family, for some reason having a picnic in a quarry.

The young boy takes a tumble, and when he recovers, he finds Ro-man, conquerer of Earth and destroyer of mankind, hiding in a cave.

Ro-man. Now how would you describe Ro-man? How about a man (George Barrows) in a gorilla suit, probably left over from the forties, wearing an old-fashioned diving helmet with the visor blacked out, and a TV ariel sticking out of the top of his head? There are many legends of course about director Phil Tucker running out of cash and, unable to finish off the spacesuit, simply used an old leftover Gorilla custom. Let's face it however, would 'Robot Monster' be the cult favourite it is today if he had found the funds to finish the costume?

We discover the truth soon after our first encounter with Ro-Man; that Earth was attacked by the alien simian, who wiped out all but eight members of the population. We know this because Ro-Man's gleefully reveals the plot to his superior - 'The Great One' (also George Barrows in the same costume) - over a super hi-tech communications device. I write hi-tech communications device, but what what I actually mean is an old 1940s radio on a wooden table attached to a bubble-making machine.

Somehow, in the aftermath of Ro-man's destructive rampage, prehistoric creatures were unleashed (yes, it's the old 'One Million B.C.' (1940) footage reeled out for about the 1,500th time; and there's even footage from the antiquated 'Lost World' of 1925!). Thankfully, our poor family are helped in their struggle to survive by their doctor friend and his anti-everything serum, which protect them from Ro-man's deadly Calcinator Ray.

If you think this all sounds rather childish, well you're right, but this is fused with some quite unexpected adult themes. Ro-man murders the doc's child daughter, and then plans to mate with her older sister. You'd think that the intelligent and beautiful heroine of the piece (Claudia Barrett) would shudder from this evil, and probably smelly, beast, but she doesn't exactly shun him, even remarking 'Oh Ro-Man, you're so strong' as he drags her across the barren wastes to his cave.

Despite all this, 'Robot Monster' does seem to drag a little in the middle (not an easy accomplishment for a film only just over a hour long!), especially after the novelty of old fish-tank head wears thin. But if you love/like/can tolerate bad movies, you really do owe it to yourself to see this; it lacks quality of any kind.

It's an old theme, and one particularly pertinent to the cold war. Aliens conquer the earth, and earthlings are too small minded to put aside their grievances, so all is lost. However, in the case of Robot Monster, the aliens are big guys in ape suits and old-school scuba gear (odd concept of a robot, IMO), and all the action in the film appears to be either stock warfare footage or scraps of bad sci-fi films found on the cutting room floor, spliced in with some pathetic burning miniature rocket ships, and all not even loosely tied into the "plot".

George Nader, who helped Frankie Avalon ruin the masterpiece of garbage cinema "Million Eyes of Sumuru", is the star, but the only people who act in this film are Claudia Barrett and John Brown (the Ro-Man), and even so, they're not very good at it. As a man well aware of his limits, Nader doesn't usually bother with acting. Like most of the cast members of Robot Monster, he simply recites his lines and adds a smile, a chuckle, or a gesture here and there.

It gets worse. I am a professional archaeologist, and though I appreciate the credit this film gives my profession, I sincerely doubt that any archaeologist will ever develop a serum that makes humans immune to every possible form of disease. Furthermore, I have ethical concerns about the fact that he tests it on HIS ENTIRE FAMILY, even if doing so allowed them to be the only survivors of the alien holocaust brought about by Ro-man! I guess this makes Robot Monster a pioneering cyberpunk film since the entire plot takes place after the destruction of most of earth's life. Most of the plot is incoherent, utterly ridiculous and unexplained.

You continue to watch because, despite the mediocre cinematography, worse than mediocre directing and script, you want to see just how much worse it can get. In that sense, this film is no disappointment. It gives Manos a run for its money, but in the end does no harm, and its a lot more fun, so I gave it a two (the extra star is for being harmless). This is an amazingly goofy and silly film, comparable in its absurdity to Santa Claus Conquers the Martians. Go for it if you're into that kind of thing, or if you harbor a secret desire to see George Nader get married without a shirt in a ceremony performed by a German archaeologist.