Colonials

It only takes a few minutes to realise this film is more inline with an episode of Jabberjaw than actual science fiction. The virtual sets and ridiculously annoying cast are as wooden as postman pat or thomas the tank engine. The out of focus camera work on their green screen bedroom set seems like it has more to do with zoom abuse in post production but I don't really care what the actual reason for that is, it's just unwatchable crapola.

The desperate vibe from the cast makes me think they thought this was going to be a real film once it all came together, they give off a cheesy vibe like they're actually thinking their lines are hitting just right. I guess they are if you enjoy the feeling of extreme cringe.

Giving this 1 star is a wild assumption it even deserves a rating at all, I'm writing this review more as a warning to anyone wondering if this is worth watching. Just to be very upfront if you misunderstood my past words, it's not worth 2 seconds of your life.

This is quite possibly one of the worst film experiences possible.

Most obvious is a sound mix dominated by a deeply unpleasant low pitch rumble that adds nothing but gives the listener a constant headache. A hackneyed script entirely lacking in creativity and nuance is backed up by an edit that looks as if it was made using a blunt, rusty hatchet with the parts randomly shuffled. Some of the worst green screen film making I have seen with a complete lack of subtlety in the horrendous computer generated backgrounds. The unremitting use of oversaturated primary colours is painful to watch. It is an assault on the eyes and ears with no let up from start to finish

This film is entirely devoid of any redeeming qualities.

Right, well the poster/cover for the 2023 sci-fi movie "Colonials" definitely seemed interesting, plus the movie's synopsis also seemed interesting. And that was essentially sufficient to make me sit down and watch "Colonials", and usually I am not overly keen on sci-fi movies.

And after suffering through 18 minutes of this movie, I gave up. I simply just couldn't take more of the dumpster fire that was "Colonials". Seriously, how does something as atrocious as this get to see the light of day in 2023?

The storyline in the movie, well based on the synopsis seemed okay. But after just 18 minutes of laughable CGI and insanely wooden acting, I have to admit that I don't know what the storyline was about. Nor do I actually care anymore.

The acting performances in "Colonials" were wooden, rigid, sluggish and amateurish. And everything was filmed at a green screen, and it was painstakingly obvious. I gave up on the movie after watching leading actor Greg Kriek (playing Silas) perform the most laughable scream of terror ever performed on screen whilst inside an atrociously rendered CGI vehicle.

Needless to say that I wasn't familiar with the cast ensemble, not that there were a lot of performers on the screen in the 18 minutes of sheer torture I sat through. But I perused IMDb after turning off the movie to check who was on the cast list. Not a single familiar face or name on the list.

Now, what really amazed me about "Colonials" was the God awful CGI that was used for virtually everything in the movie, aside from the actors and actresses that were on the screen. Everything was green screen. Terrible green screen, mind you. The CGI was flat, lacking texture and just moved in rigid and awkward manners. It looked worse than a PC game from the 1990s. It was, actually, so horrible to look at that it just drained away all will to watch the movie. How does such horrible CGI get a thumbs up in 2023?

I doubt that even the most hardcore of sci-fi fans will actually get any enjoyment out of watching directors Andrew Balek and Joe Bland's 2023 movie "Colonials".

This was without a doubt the worst movie experience of 2023 so far. The best thing about this project from writers Joe Bland and Cyrus Cheek was actually the cover/poster. This is definitely not a movie that I would recommend you waste your time, money or effort on.

My rating of "Colonials" lands on a well-deserved one out of ten stars.

Wow, I thought the recent War of the Worlds was bad, but this dire piece of garbage movie-making actually made that look professional.

I can't figure out how films like this actually see the light of day.

Terrible acting, terrible script and terrible CGI. Ok it gets 1 star for occasionally having a not too bad CGI scene but 5 seconds later they are back to looking like something an 8 year old did on their iPad.

Maybe it was supposed to be like this, the scriptwriter and director(s) were trying to make the dullest cheesiest sci-fi mangled steaming pile - in which case, well done, you succeeded beyond your dreams.

Hot garbage would be too nice to describe this movie. The acting is horrific, the SFX are laughable and the story is mind numbing. Anyone giving this above 1-star must be part of the cast trying to bring the rating up. There isn't anything else to say, but you need to fill the "required characters" so I'll keep typing. Random words. Terrible movie. Do not watch. Most sets look like a junkyard. More random words. Filler,filler. Crazy guy playing in dirt. Trailer park. 1970s satellite dish. Did I mention how bad the CGI is? 8 bit games are better than this movie. Looks like I've finally filled all the characters I need.