Noah's Ark

Was expecting a cutesy kids film that probably didn't adhere too much to the traditional account but this strayed so far it didn't even make sense. The plot was so thin it was almost transparent. The characters were one dimensional. Shem, Ham and Japheth were no where to be seen. It was nice that Grandma Ruth (Mrs Noah) was a woman of colour but a bit weird that she kept making potions to fix her ancient ailing idiot of a husband (Noah). There were lines added obviously for modern relevance that didn't add anything to the story (and they could have done if they weren't just isolated oddities) like one about not getting the one male one female, what about all the other types of families? Or God getting too many voicemails when one text would have done. All in all just a total mess.

Two musical mice - "Vini" and "Tom" are taking a well earned nap one afternoon when they hear God having a bit of a rant at his old pal Noah. He's had enough of his project Earth and wants to start again, so tells the man to get building. A ship big enough to hold two of each creature then he's going to send enough rain to wash the slate clean so animals from far and wide are invited - by airmail - whilst he sets about building his ark. Now this boat isn't quite as robust as the one Russell Crowe built in 2014, but after a few shenanigans the critters are assembled and down comes the inundation. The flaw in all of this meticulous planning is that the menacing lion, backed by his henchmen, is soon intent on raiding what little supplies that vessel caries before proceeding to an exceptionally fresh all you can eat buffet. Can the intrepid little mice - now joined by "Nina" do anything to thwart this grand design long enough for the dove of peace to struggle through the wind and the rain in the search of land? There's nothing remotely religious about this story, it's just an amiable animation that characterises a few jungle creatures and uses some forgettable musical numbers to deliver a sort of "Ark's Got Talent". It's probably half an hour longer than it needs to be, but when it gets going it doesn't hang about delivering a tale of friendship and determination, whilst reminding us that bullies are usually the most cowardly of any group. Sure, it's a bit derivative and it certainly reminded me of the "Lion King" at times, but it's harmless family fun that will be fine to leave the kids in front of the telly with at Christmas.

The animation is OK, some of the imagery is meh, but some of it is engaging. The humour is OK. The plot is very thin and it deserved a much better story than a song competition. But for children it will definitely be fine. Just like a lot of other animated childrens movies this movie is mediocre and deserves a mediocre rating.

But if you look at the rating distribution (a lot of 1 ratings) and read some of the negative reviews, it is clear that this movie is cluster bombed by religious fanatics disappointed that it is "too silly" and not taking the religious doctrine seriously. Even highlighting stuff like "profanity" or "mixed marriage".

Although I doubt it will share the same fate of infamy, it does feel like this movie follows in the footsteps of movies like Life of Brian. An overwhelming attack from relious people without humour. Surely this movie doesn't deserve a top rating, but neither has it received a fair judgement on it's own merits. But I guess the problem is that it is reaching an disproportionately large religious audience and doesn't attract enough people with a sense of humour. It should have been marketed more like a parody to reach the right audience. Especially with a different title.

Of course it's Today, so you know that Noah and his wife Ruth are a ... mixed marriage. Noah is portrayed as a bumbling lunatic, while his wife uses potions and magic to heal him when he gets sick. Luckily, they aren't in the film more than five or ten minutes total, though that is more than enough. For some reason, their granddaughter (who looks suspiciously like a little boy) is on the Ark with them, but the little girl's parents are no where to be seen, nor are any of Noah's children.

Then you've got the animals. They spend the entire time trying to eat each other and fighting over "who controls the Ark" while the humans do nothing. There is only one gorilla, and one bear, but they want to throw a hissy fit over three mice being onboard. I mean, if we're going to be a stickler for the rules, let's be consistent.

The script was written to try and be "modern" - what with Noah complaining about God's voicemails and text messages - but it just makes the whole thing cringe. I swear when the lion declared the competition "fake news," I just knew that he was going to come out sporting a certain blonde hairdo.

The entire movie is boring beyond words. It's not cute. It's not entertaining. It's not fun. The ONLY redeeming quality was the lion's song was a LITTLE catchy. Other than that, this whole thing is utterly forgettable. There are FAR better adaptations of this Biblical story, including the many animated versions.